December, 2006 The Hoser Weather: It's gettin' real cold so if you don't have a block heater in your van do what we did and put the Coleman under the oil pan. There's nothing to worry about because the melting snow will put out the engine when it catches fire.
Vol. 10, No. 3

Jolly Old St. McKenzie

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

Bob(whispering) Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougGood d... why are you whispering?
Bob(still whispering) Quiet!
Doug(whispering now too) Oh, right!
BobOkay, the reason we're being quiet is cause we're doin' the show from the basement of the shopping mall, eh!
DougYeah, we got jobs as Santa - that's me! And his helper elf Bob.
BobAw geez.
DougI get to be Santa cause I'm obviously more qualified to deal with children.
BobYeah, you're closer to their maturity level!
DougPlus he's a short guy, eh? Look at... ah, you can't see him. But get out your Great White North album, he's short on the cover, eh?
BobTake off! You know the real reason Doug gets to be Santa? Cause he doesn't need any padding. He's got a built-in beer gut.
DougHoser. Oh yeah, speaking of beer gut, we're not allowed to drink before coming down here, which is fine because I have to drive.
BobYeah, plus we'll be able to buy lots of beer after we're done.
BobWha? I'm already whispering!
DougNo, I mean the people we're buying gifts for will hear that we're getting them all beer for the holidays.
BobWell then it's your fault, cause no where did I say that we were gettin' the beer for other people!
DougNo way!
BobYeah way, just scroll back in your text editor. That's the beauty of doing this online.
DougBeauty, if this were real life we would have just hit the rewind button and you all would have had a real bad case of déjà vu when you saw half the show repeat itself until hosehead over here got the remote control working properly, eh?
BobHey! We should insert a backwards part!
DougNo, take off! It's too easy to just reverse the letters!
BobNo, it'll be great!
Doug(louder) Take off, it'll suck!
BobSHH! You're gonna get us in trouble!
Mall Manager(entering room) Hey! You two hosers are on in a minute! (leaves)
BobGeez, the way he talks you figure Christmas only comes once a year.
DougIt does.
BobYeah, but they put the decorations up the day after Halloween, so it really comes about 60 times a year.
DougBeauty call. You know what would suck?
BobYou on a Sunday morning trying to get that last bit of foam out of the beer bottle before you return it?
DougNo! Well, yeah. But living in one of those towns where it's Christmas all year round.
BobThere's no such thing!
DougThere is too! There's one in Michigan.
BobLike you've been there!
DougNo, but I know this stuff.
BobOh yeah, from where?
DougUh. Places.
BobYeah, well anyway...
Mall Manager(in next room) Hurry up, you nobks!
DougOh geez, we'd better get in there! (they walk to the mall and enter the centre court filled with hundreds of cheering kids)
BobOkay, good day! I'm Bob M... uh, Bob the Elf! And this is my br... boss, Santa!
Kids(cheering louder)
DougOkay, okay! Don't all get up at once!
BobAren't you forgettin' your line, Santa?
DougLine? Oh, right. Ho! Ho! Ho! Eh?
Doug(sitting on chair) Okay, little boy, what's your name?!
DougSo, Timmy, what would you like for Christmas?
Timmy(looking closely at Doug) Hey, you're not Santa!
DougYeah, I'm Santa, and this is my Elf, Bob.
BobHow's it goin', eh?
DougI've come down from the North Pole to visit this mall from uh... (looks at sign) 1pm to 3pm on Friday, and all day on Saturday. All day? Wha?
TimmyNo, I've seen you before! You're that funny looking guy who used to be on TV and now has a stupid web page!
DougUh, no! You're confusing me with uh... Bob McKenzie. Yeah, he's real funny looking.
BobI've seen him too, but he's nowhere near as funny looking as his brother Doug.
TimmyWell, whoever you are, I want a Playstation 3 for Christmas!
DougYeah, well so does Santa! Uh, I mean... I'll get my elves working on it right away.
DougOkay, uh. (to the Mall Manager) Hey, how do all these kids know who we are?
Mall ManagerBecause you're still wearing your tuques and earmuffs, you hosers!
BobOh no!
DougAw geez. Take off!

SCTV On DVD: Again!

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

So good day, and if you're lookin' for Christmas presents but don't wanna get everyone beer like you did last year, then head on down to your local store that sells DVDs and get SCTV: The Best Of The Early Years! And best of all, there's some of the earliest and rare episodes of Great White North included!


Section BTunes
Section CPics
Section DOther Sites
Section EYou Are Our Guest
Section FBob and Doug McKenzie News Page
Section GBack Issues
Christmas InsertTwelve Days of Christmas