Lawyer Jokes

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

A lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way a prostitute is an expert on love.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well greased.

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Joe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.z

Q: Why does the Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
A: 'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks it can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

Q. What can a goose do, that a duck can't, but a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q. What do lawyers do after they die?
A. They lie still.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q. Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got first pick.

Q. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A. Your honor.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school. Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

Preachers purge the conscience, doctors the body, lawyers the purse.

After Mark Twain finished addressing a New England society banquet, the attorney William M. Evarts stood up, hands in his pockets, and remarked, "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?" To which Mark Twain replied, "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar. "I resent that!" someone replied. "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!" 

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
—Ronald Reagan (given that politicians are mostly lawyers, this is quite profound)

"Law is mind without reason."
—Aristotle

"The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Famous quotes about lawyers http://members.aol.com/twh427/quotations.htm