Funny but true quotes

"Hell! there ain't no rules around here! We are tryin' to accomplish somepn'n!"
—Thomas Edison

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
—Benjamin Franklin

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel."
—Homer Simpson

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
—George Bernard Shaw

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what the lie was.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.