The Hoser

February, 2005		Weather: It's gonna be cold outside which means the beer is harder to drink. So don't go outside.
Vol. 8, No. 5

On The Road With Bob And Doug (Part 2)

by Bob McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, we're back, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	Welcome, eh?
Bob	Last time we were talking about our road trip to the beer store, so if you haven't read it yet then like read it now, eh?
Doug	Okay, you'll notice this time that Bob is doing more talking, and that's cause he's not driving.
Bob	Geez.
Doug	And he's mad cause I'm not driving either. And why would that be, Bob?
Bob	I don't have the keys.
Doug	And where are they?
Bob	In the ignition.
Doug	And why can't we get at them?
Bob	Cause I locked them in the van.
Doug	So we're trapped here at the beer store, and we can't even drink the beer we just bought cause the manager of the store is watching us through the window.
Bob	What a hoser.
Doug	Well, at least he didn't lock our keys in the van.
Bob	Take off, eh!
Doug	So anyway, here's a hanger, I'm gonna show you how to break into a van or other vehicle.
Bob	No, get out, there might be cops reading this.
Doug	So? They probably know how to do this too.
Bob	No, they might arrest you for showing people how to break into vehicles.
Doug	It's our vehicle.
Bob	Oh. Right.
Doug	So anyway, where's those hangers we always keep for just such an occasion?
Bob	You mean the ones you steal every time we're at a place where there's a cloakroom but no coat check guy?
Doug	Yeah.
Bob	They're in the back of the van.
Doug	Oh, okay. (walks to the back of the van and opens the door)
Bob	They should be behind that seat.
Doug	Beauty, eh! (grabs a hanger and then closes the van door) Okay, now the first thing you have to do is straighten everything but...
Bob	Hey, wait a minute!
Doug	I'm trying to show people how to unlock their door. So you just bend this here, and...
Bob	The van's open.
Doug	Geez, will you stop interrupting me?
Bob	But the van...
Doug	(sarcastic) "The van, the van!" We'll be inside in a minute if you just stop talking.
Bob	(walks to the back of the van and opens the door) See?
Doug	Huh? Oh.
Bob	(climbs in, gets in the driver's seat, starts the van, and unlocks the doors) You're a moron.
Doug	(puts the cases of beer in the back and gets in the passenger seat) But at least I didn't lock the keys in the van.
Bob	And technically, neither did I. So anyway, I'm driving and now Doug gets to talk.
Doug	Yeah, for once, eh?
Bob	Take off.
Doug	So now I need a new topic, now that I don't have to show people how to break into cars.
Bob	Why don't you give us a tour of the van?
Doug	Oh, beauty idea, eh! Okay, good day, and welcome to our van. Here's our radio, it's a beauty. (turns radio on)
SFX	static blares from the speakers
Bob	Geez! What the?!?!
Doug	(turns radio off) Rock on, eh? Um. Here's the floor, there's lots of rust holes in it. That's cause in Canada they put lots of salt on the road and sidewalks and it gets on our boots eh and then when we get in the van it rubs off but mixes with the water from the slush and snow and mutates the iron into rust, eh!
Bob	They don't use salt in all of Canada, cause in some places it gets too cold for it to melt the ice.
Doug	Oh, Mister Wizard here thinks he knows everything. Take off.
Bob	You're supposed to be givin' a tour of the van!
Doug	Okay, what else is there I'm supposed to show? More rust?
Bob	Yeah!
Doug	No, take off. I'm picking another topic.
Bob	I think we're out of space.
Doug	This is all your fault, for locking us out!
Bob	I didn't lock us out, and you didn't even notice the back doors were still open!
Doug	Okay, well it doesn't matter, we got our beers and we're gonna be home soon to drink them.
Bob	Beauty, eh?
Doug	Yeah, so have a good day, and don't lock yourself out.
Bob	Take off!

On The Road With Bob And Doug (Part 1)

by Bob McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	Today we're doin' the show from the van and I'm driving, so Doug's gonna do all the talking.
Doug	Oh, so that's why you wanted to drive so bad! You want to make me do all the talking and hope that I'm gonna say something dumb and look stupid.
Bob	No, you'll look stupid anyway. And shut up, I'm trying to drive!
Doug	We haven't even got out of the driveway yet!
Bob	There might be traffic coming.
Doug	(looks around, no traffic in sight) There's no one here!
Bob	Okay, okay! (starts to back van out)
Doug	LOOK OUT!! (tires squeal as Bob slams on the brakes)
Bob	Wha?!?! Where?
Doug	Just testing your reflexes.
Bob	You hoser! He's a hoser, eh? He does that all the time. (pulls out on the road)
Doug	Yeah, I just wanna make sure you're on your toes. (looks around) Hey! What are we going this way for?
Bob	We're getting donuts.
Doug	I thought we were getting beer.
Bob	We will, but I want donuts. You know, in case there's a lineup at the beer store and we get hungry while we're there.
Doug	Oh, beauty idea, eh? Especially since they won't let you drink the beer there.
Bob	Yeah.
Doug	Here's a message to all beer stores: let us drink beer there! Sometimes you get to the beer store and you put your empties on the counter and the guy behind it says "hey, some of these still have beer in them" cause like your hoseheaded brother jams the caps back on them when he's done eh? And then you discover that not all of them were jammed back on but they were actually unopened and full of beer and you didn't notice so then you have to finish them off there or otherwise you won't get the ten cents back but the guy behind the counter gets mad and if you try to drink them outside the cops might see you and have you arrested, eh?
Bob	I'm not hoseheaded.
Doug	And another thing, get rid of the twist-off caps, eh? Cause like once you've opened ten or twenty of them you've scraped your hand and everything and then it's too hard to open any more. And plus who in Canada doesn't carry a church key to open beers?
Bob	I heard about this one hockey player who was put on the injured list cause he had a thumb infection caused by opening too many twist-off beers, eh?
Doug	Oh yeah? HEY, LOOK OUT!! (Bob slams on the brakes again)
Bob	Wha? What'd I hit?
Doug	Nothing, just testing your reflexes again.
Bob	Geez. Next time I'm goin' to the beer store alone.
Doug	So here we are in the van, driving around looking for a donut place. Fortunately, we live in Canada so like there's a donut place every few hundred metres along the road, eh? (they arrive at a donut place)
Bob	Yeah, the hard part is finding a parking space.
Doug	It'd be easier if it weren't for all the cops here. There's a parking space.
Bob	Take off. That's in front of a fire hydrant. The cops would tow us for sure!
Doug	Yeah, no point risking all the empties in the back. Keep driving around and I'll tell stories.
Bob	Okay.
Doug	So uh... I need a topic.
Bob	Fire hydrants.
Doug	Okay. So why can't I park next to one, eh? Fire engines are huge, you would think the driver of one would just plow over a vehicle blocking their path, eh?
Bob	We need a fire engine.
Doug	Why?
Bob	So we can drive around with the lights flashing and go through red lights and run over parked cars, eh?
Doug	Yeah. That'd be great. There's a spot. (points at an empty space)
Bob	(pulls into the space) What do you want?
Doug	Get something with jelly in it.
Bob	Okay. Keep talking, I'll be right back. (gets out of the van and goes in the store)
Doug	We need power locks in this van. (he locks his door, then reaches over and locks Bob's, too) I bet he's gonna come back with a box and there's only gonna be ten donuts in there and he'll try to tell me that the girl behind the counter must have put eleven donuts instead of twelve in there by mistake, and then...
SFX	Bob pounds on Doug's door
Doug	YAAA!!!
Bob	(almost inaudible behind the glass) Let me in!
Doug	Wha? Geez, you scared me.
Bob	(still inaudible) Let me in, you nobk!
Doug	Wha? Oh, geez. (rolls down the window, at which point Bob reaches in and tries to pull Doug's coat over his head) Hey, what the?!! Get out!
Bob	That's for lockin' me out!
Doug	(unlocking Bob's door) Naw, it wasn't me! You must have locked the door when you got out, eh!
Bob	Take off, I did not. Just for that, I'm eatin' one of your donuts.
Doug	See, I told ya he'd try to hose me out of a donut!
Bob	Huh? Who are you talking to?
Doug	Our readers, hosehead.
Bob	Oh yeah, I forgot we were doing our show. So, uh, how's it going?
Doug	I think we're out of time.
Bob	Wha? Aw geez, and we aren't to the beer store, yet.
Doug	Yeah, well I guess we'll finish this next month, eh?
Bob	Okay, good day.
Doug	Good day, eh! Gimme a donut.
Bob	No.
Doug	Take off!

SCTV on DVD!

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!

	CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

On The Road With Bob And Doug (Part 2)

On The Road With Bob And Doug (Part 1)

SCTV on DVD!

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