January, 2005 The Hoser Weather: The roads will be slippery this month, so dump a few dozen bags of sand in the back of the van. It'll fall through the rust holes in the floor, improving the traction of the road. And you can send a bill to the city for doing their road maintenance for them.
Vol. 8, No. 4

On The Road With Bob And Doug (Part 1)

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobToday we're doin' the show from the van and I'm driving, so Doug's gonna do all the talking.
DougOh, so that's why you wanted to drive so bad! You want to make me do all the talking and hope that I'm gonna say something dumb and look stupid.
BobNo, you'll look stupid anyway. And shut up, I'm trying to drive!
DougWe haven't even got out of the driveway yet!
BobThere might be traffic coming.
Doug(looks around, no traffic in sight) There's no one here!
BobOkay, okay! (starts to back van out)
DougLOOK OUT!! (tires squeal as Bob slams on the brakes)
BobWha?!?! Where?
DougJust testing your reflexes.
BobYou hoser! He's a hoser, eh? He does that all the time. (pulls out on the road)
DougYeah, I just wanna make sure you're on your toes. (looks around) Hey! What are we going this way for?
BobWe're getting donuts.
DougI thought we were getting beer.
BobWe will, but I want donuts. You know, in case there's a lineup at the beer store and we get hungry while we're there.
DougOh, beauty idea, eh? Especially since they won't let you drink the beer there.
DougHere's a message to all beer stores: let us drink beer there! Sometimes you get to the beer store and you put your empties on the counter and the guy behind it says "hey, some of these still have beer in them" cause like your hoseheaded brother jams the caps back on them when he's done eh? And then you discover that not all of them were jammed back on but they were actually unopened and full of beer and you didn't notice so then you have to finish them off there or otherwise you won't get the ten cents back but the guy behind the counter gets mad and if you try to drink them outside the cops might see you and have you arrested, eh?
BobI'm not hoseheaded.
DougAnd another thing, get rid of the twist-off caps, eh? Cause like once you've opened ten or twenty of them you've scraped your hand and everything and then it's too hard to open any more. And plus who in Canada doesn't carry a church key to open beers?
BobI heard about this one hockey player who was put on the injured list cause he had a thumb infection caused by opening too many twist-off beers, eh?
DougOh yeah? HEY, LOOK OUT!! (Bob slams on the brakes again)
BobWha? What'd I hit?
DougNothing, just testing your reflexes again.
BobGeez. Next time I'm goin' to the beer store alone.
DougSo here we are in the van, driving around looking for a donut place. Fortunately, we live in Canada so like there's a donut place every few hundred metres along the road, eh? (they arrive at a donut place)
BobYeah, the hard part is finding a parking space.
DougIt'd be easier if it weren't for all the cops here. There's a parking space.
BobTake off. That's in front of a fire hydrant. The cops would tow us for sure!
DougYeah, no point risking all the empties in the back. Keep driving around and I'll tell stories.
DougSo uh... I need a topic.
BobFire hydrants.
DougOkay. So why can't I park next to one, eh? Fire engines are huge, you would think the driver of one would just plow over a vehicle blocking their path, eh?
BobWe need a fire engine.
BobSo we can drive around with the lights flashing and go through red lights and run over parked cars, eh?
DougYeah. That'd be great. There's a spot. (points at an empty space)
Bob(pulls into the space) What do you want?
DougGet something with jelly in it.
BobOkay. Keep talking, I'll be right back. (gets out of the van and goes in the store)
DougWe need power locks in this van. (he locks his door, then reaches over and locks Bob's, too) I bet he's gonna come back with a box and there's only gonna be ten donuts in there and he'll try to tell me that the girl behind the counter must have put eleven donuts instead of twelve in there by mistake, and then...
SFXBob pounds on Doug's door
Bob(almost inaudible behind the glass) Let me in!
DougWha? Geez, you scared me.
Bob(still inaudible) Let me in, you nobk!
DougWha? Oh, geez. (rolls down the window, at which point Bob reaches in and tries to pull Doug's coat over his head) Hey, what the?!! Get out!
BobThat's for lockin' me out!
Doug(unlocking Bob's door) Naw, it wasn't me! You must have locked the door when you got out, eh!
BobTake off, I did not. Just for that, I'm eatin' one of your donuts.
DougSee, I told ya he'd try to hose me out of a donut!
BobHuh? Who are you talking to?
DougOur readers, hosehead.
BobOh yeah, I forgot we were doing our show. So, uh, how's it going?
DougI think we're out of time.
BobWha? Aw geez, and we aren't to the beer store, yet.
DougYeah, well I guess we'll finish this next month, eh?
BobOkay, good day.
DougGood day, eh! Gimme a donut.
DougTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!