November, 2004 The Hoser Weather: Now is the perfect time to mend your snowshoes. You wouldn't have to if you didn't pretend they were giant tennis rackets and swing them around back in the summer, eh?
Vol. 8, No. 2

Beer Wars

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, go!
DougLong ago, in a galaxy far away... A Ford Galaxy! SNORK!
BobNo, take off!
DougUm. Okay. I started the issue out that way cause we're gonna talk about the recent beer wars here in Canada. Get it? Beer wars? Star Wars? SNORK!
BobYou're way too easily amused today.
DougYeah, well you drink twelve beers before breakfast and you'd feel the same way.
BobYou didn't eat breakfast.
DougOkay, so uh... (looks at empties on the table) ...this is the fifteenth beer before breakfast.
BobHoser. What he's talking about is how cheap all the beer is all of the sudden, but you can't buy the regular brands at the cheap prices.
DougNaw, you have to go get the real cheap stuff.
BobThat makes sense. The cheap stuff is cheaper.
DougTake off! BRRP!
BobSo anyway, one of the breweries lowered their prices on a case of beer, so then another brewery made theirs a little cheaper, and then another one made a case even cheaper yet. So now they're now selling certain beers for like the lowest legal price here, which is great for guys like us.
DougURP! How...
BobOh nice.
DougSorry... how do you think I was able to afford fifteen... (chugs what's left of his beer) ...uh, sixteen beers before breakfast today?
BobYeah, but your burp reminded me of the one problem with these beers.
DougBRRAAAACCKKK!!!! What's that?
BobWOAH! I think I'm deaf in my left ear!
DougWha? Why blame the beer for that?
BobThat's not what I was talking about. I was gonna say how they give you lots of gas.
DougYou think so? URP! (chugs more beer)
BobWell, listen to you.
DougNaw, that's cause I drank uh... seventeen beers before breakfast today.
BobCome to think of it, everything gives you gas. You know, you better eat something.
DougNo, I'm alright. Tell them about your plan.
BobWhat plan?
DougThe one you were talking about.
BobNo, take off! Then the guys at the Beer Store will find out.
DougThey will not. They don't even read this.
BobThey do too. They're all big fans.
DougWell, I'm gonna talk about it anyway. URP! We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores where it's like a walk-in cooler, right? Where all the beer is stacked in this walk-in cooler and you just grab the type you want and take it up to the counter, eh? So like you don't have to go to the guy at the counter... well, you do, but afterwards. You don't have to go to the guy at the counter at first, but then you go into this walk-in cooler, right? And get the beer you want. Then you walk up to the counter with the beer, and go to the guy, and...
BobGEEZ! Get on with it!
DougGet on with it! Get on with it! Hoser! I'm tellin' a story!
BobYeah, while we're all fallin' asleep here they're gonna find out and not let us buy beer there anymore!
DougThey? Who's they?
BobThe guys at the counter!!
DougWhat? At the Beer Store?
BobGeez. I'm never letting you have seventeen beers before breakfast on the day we're doin' the show ever again.
DougThis'll be number eighteen in a minute. BRRPPP!!!
DougSo anyway, you go to one of those Beer Stores and take an old case of one of the cheap beers and flatten it and hide it under your coat eh, and then when you get to the store you make a little fort out of the full cases of beer they have stacked around so like the camera or big round mirror or whatever won't be able to see you and the guys at the Beer Store won't know what you're doing right, so then you open up a case of regular expensive beer and put all the bottles in the case of cheap beer and then... oh no! I gotta start over!
BobWha? Why?
DougI forgot to remind people to take a bottle of glue with you when you go to the Beer Store! Okay. Start over. We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores...
BobNo, no, no! Don't start over. You shouldn't even have told this story in the first place, cause doing this would be wrong, and we would never do anything like this.
DougUh, right. So after you put all the expensive beers in the cheap case, you glue the top down so it looks brand new, then you take it up to the counter and they'll charge the cheapest legal price for your expensive beer.
BobBeauty idea. But to all cops and Beer Store employees out there: we'd never do this.
Doug(finishes another bottle) We're out of beer. Sounds like a perfect time to try out our plan.
DougUh... not the plan I just talked about. Something else. URP!
BobYeah, that other plan.
DougThe one about turbocharging the van?
BobYeah, that's the one.
DougBut I thought we were gonna get beer.
BobWe are... geez.
DougWha? What'd I say?
Bob(gets up to go to the Beer Store) You comin' with me?
DougYeah. (tries to get up but falls off his chair) No.
BobOkay, you lay there for a while, and when you get up make yourself some breakfast, eh?
DougIs it right to have breakfast at three in the afternoon?
BobNot really.
DougOkay. If you go to the Beer Store, don't forget this. (hands Bob a flattened case of cheap beer) URP!
BobWha? Geez! (grabs case and tucks it under his coat) Uh... (looks around) I guess no one saw that, eh?
DougSaw what?
BobExactly. Good day, eh!
DougGood... BRRP! Day, eh! BRRRAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!