The Hoser

November, 2004		Weather: Now is the perfect time to mend your snowshoes. You wouldn't have to if you didn't pretend they were giant tennis rackets and swing them around back in the summer, eh?
Vol. 8, No. 2

Beer Wars

by Bob McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	Okay, go!
Doug	Long ago, in a galaxy far away... A Ford Galaxy! SNORK!
Bob	No, take off!
Doug	Um. Okay. I started the issue out that way cause we're gonna talk about the recent beer wars here in Canada. Get it? Beer wars? Star Wars? SNORK!
Bob	You're way too easily amused today.
Doug	Yeah, well you drink twelve beers before breakfast and you'd feel the same way.
Bob	You didn't eat breakfast.
Doug	Okay, so uh... (looks at empties on the table) ...this is the fifteenth beer before breakfast.
Bob	Hoser. What he's talking about is how cheap all the beer is all of the sudden, but you can't buy the regular brands at the cheap prices.
Doug	Naw, you have to go get the real cheap stuff.
Bob	That makes sense. The cheap stuff is cheaper.
Doug	Take off! BRRP!
Bob	So anyway, one of the breweries lowered their prices on a case of beer, so then another brewery made theirs a little cheaper, and then another one made a case even cheaper yet. So now they're now selling certain beers for like the lowest legal price here, which is great for guys like us.
Doug	URP! How...
Bob	Oh nice.
Doug	Sorry... how do you think I was able to afford fifteen... (chugs what's left of his beer) ...uh, sixteen beers before breakfast today?
Bob	Yeah, but your burp reminded me of the one problem with these beers.
Doug	BRRAAAACCKKK!!!! What's that?
Bob	WOAH! I think I'm deaf in my left ear!
Doug	Wha? Why blame the beer for that?
Bob	That's not what I was talking about. I was gonna say how they give you lots of gas.
Doug	You think so? URP! (chugs more beer)
Bob	Well, listen to you.
Doug	Naw, that's cause I drank uh... seventeen beers before breakfast today.
Bob	Come to think of it, everything gives you gas. You know, you better eat something.
Doug	No, I'm alright. Tell them about your plan.
Bob	What plan?
Doug	The one you were talking about.
Bob	No, take off! Then the guys at the Beer Store will find out.
Doug	They will not. They don't even read this.
Bob	They do too. They're all big fans.
Doug	Well, I'm gonna talk about it anyway. URP! We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores where it's like a walk-in cooler, right? Where all the beer is stacked in this walk-in cooler and you just grab the type you want and take it up to the counter, eh? So like you don't have to go to the guy at the counter... well, you do, but afterwards. You don't have to go to the guy at the counter at first, but then you go into this walk-in cooler, right? And get the beer you want. Then you walk up to the counter with the beer, and go to the guy, and...
Bob	GEEZ! Get on with it!
Doug	Get on with it! Get on with it! Hoser! I'm tellin' a story!
Bob	Yeah, while we're all fallin' asleep here they're gonna find out and not let us buy beer there anymore!
Doug	They? Who's they?
Bob	The guys at the counter!!
Doug	What? At the Beer Store?
Bob	Geez. I'm never letting you have seventeen beers before breakfast on the day we're doin' the show ever again.
Doug	This'll be number eighteen in a minute. BRRPPP!!!
Bob	Geez.
Doug	So anyway, you go to one of those Beer Stores and take an old case of one of the cheap beers and flatten it and hide it under your coat eh, and then when you get to the store you make a little fort out of the full cases of beer they have stacked around so like the camera or big round mirror or whatever won't be able to see you and the guys at the Beer Store won't know what you're doing right, so then you open up a case of regular expensive beer and put all the bottles in the case of cheap beer and then... oh no! I gotta start over!
Bob	Wha? Why?
Doug	I forgot to remind people to take a bottle of glue with you when you go to the Beer Store! Okay. Start over. We're gonna go down to one of those Beer Stores...
Bob	No, no, no! Don't start over. You shouldn't even have told this story in the first place, cause doing this would be wrong, and we would never do anything like this.
Doug	Uh, right. So after you put all the expensive beers in the cheap case, you glue the top down so it looks brand new, then you take it up to the counter and they'll charge the cheapest legal price for your expensive beer.
Bob	Beauty idea. But to all cops and Beer Store employees out there: we'd never do this.
Doug	(finishes another bottle) We're out of beer. Sounds like a perfect time to try out our plan.
Bob	SHH!
Doug	Uh... not the plan I just talked about. Something else. URP!
Bob	Yeah, that other plan.
Doug	The one about turbocharging the van?
Bob	Yeah, that's the one.
Doug	But I thought we were gonna get beer.
Bob	We are... geez.
Doug	Wha? What'd I say?
Bob	(gets up to go to the Beer Store) You comin' with me?
Doug	Yeah. (tries to get up but falls off his chair) No.
Bob	Okay, you lay there for a while, and when you get up make yourself some breakfast, eh?
Doug	Is it right to have breakfast at three in the afternoon?
Bob	Not really.
Doug	Okay. If you go to the Beer Store, don't forget this. (hands Bob a flattened case of cheap beer) URP!
Bob	Wha? Geez! (grabs case and tucks it under his coat) Uh... (looks around) I guess no one saw that, eh?
Doug	Saw what?
Bob	Exactly. Good day, eh!
Doug	Good... BRRP! Day, eh! BRRRAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! So like if you have it then watch all our classic Great White North moments, and if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!

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