Handyman's Corner

Here's some fake scripts (actually, one fake script) for Handyman's Corner. I'm not actually a writer for TNRGS (I wish, eh?), but if anyone out there knows someone who is, send them a copy of this... :-) The next time I'm bored, and have nothing to do, I'm sure to write more of these.

Build Your Own Computer

Imagine that this is said by Red, except for the parts in square brackets, which are directions...

With the sudden interest in having a neat computer, say, with a "4XDM microprocessor", "4 Jig of ROM", "23-bit video", and other stuff with lots of numbers and letters like that, I figure that it's about time that I get one. I browsed around at the store, but some of those cost $1500! So anyway, this week on Handyman's Corner, I'll be making my own home computer with parts I have lying around the home.

First of all, you need something to see what the computer is doing. This is called the output device, or a monitor. You could buy one, but why go to the trouble. You can easily make one out of an old TV, or even a microwave oven, if you have the time. I'm using the lodge's TV, since the last time it worked, we were watching American Bandstand when Dick Clark looked like he was 20 years old. Of course, he was about 50 years old at the time.

[At this point, Red rips the back off the TV set and rips out all sorts of wires. He eventually gets it back together, and tapes the back on with duct tape.]

Well, the output device is done, now we need an input device. Some computers have a thing called a "mouse", but there are no little rodents around the lodge. Just rats. And Harold. Since we're using a TV for the monitor, I'll be making the keyboard out of an old remote control. This is either for the TV, or the garage door opener. I guess I'll find out when I get home and drive through the garage door. Again.

[Red rips apart the remote, duct taping and gluing all sorts of wires to each component inside. Then he sticks all the wires together, and plugs them into the antenna inputs of the TV.]

Now we have a working computer. But there's nothing to store anything on. So for a "disk drive", I'm using an old, 2-slice toaster I got Bernice for our first anniversary. Actually, I got it for our second anniversary, since I forgot the first one. Feel free to use a 4-slice toaster, since you'll get twice the storage space. Now let's see. There's some screws on the bottom, but they use one of those funny star-shaped screwdrivers. I guess there's only one way to get them off. [Red picks up the sledgehammer and smashes the cover off.] Good, now we'll attach it to the rest of the computer. For disks to store stuff on, I'm going to use some of these "AOL" thingys I get in the mail every few weeks. After I retiled the bathroom floor with them, I still had a few left over, so these should work.

Now we'll "boot" the computer. Computer geeks use the word "boot", because all the cool people would kick both the computer and the computer geeks with heavy boots on. At least that's what I do to Harold. This forces them to "re-boot" their computers. [Red kicks the TV/remote/toaster, and it flashes on (a few sparks fly). Suddenly, a picture of Harold appears on the screen.] OH MY GOD! IT'S GOT A VIRUS! [Red grabs the sledgehammer and hits the toaster/disk-drive a couple more times.]

Geez, I thought I'd have to "boot" that thing again. Anyway, now I'm going to "surf on over" to Harold's web page. Until next time remember, if the women don't find you handsome, at least they can find you handy. Oh no! That virus is back! [He hits the unit a few more times as the screen wipes for the next segment.]