June, 2006 The Hoser Weather: Smokin's gonna be banned here now, but it's gonna be so warm that you don't need to smoke if you want to have trouble breathing, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 9

Pirate Radio

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, welcome to radio station CNOB.
DougBeauty call letters, eh!
BobI know. So welcome to CNOB, I'm your DJ, Bob McKenzie.
DougBob "The Nobk" McKenzie.
BobAw. Take off. Okay, with me is my co-DJ, Doug the uh... "The Slug" McKenzie.
DougDoug "The Slug"? Beauty.
DougSo anyway, if you're wondering why we're a radio station now, it's cause we are.
BobWell now that makes sense, eh?
DougYeah. Except we're not a legal radio station.
BobNo wait, take off!
DougNo, no. We can tell them. Cause like we're a pirate radio station, eh!
BobOh, okay.
DougSo we found out that pirate radio stations are like real pirates, eh, like they put all their transmitters and antennas and stuff on a boat and drove out into the sea where the cops couldn't catch them right and put on music that they liked but real radio stations wouldn't play, eh?
BobYeah, so we're doin' the same thing.
DougExcept we don't got a boat, so we waterproofed the van.
BobWe needed lots of electrical tape, too.
DougWe wanted to use our ice fishing hut, cause we've found out more than once that it floats. You know, depending on how it lands in the water. Except we couldn't find it, eh?
BobI know where it is. We just gotta find it on the bottom of the lake.
DougTold you the water hadn't froze.
BobIt had too. Just not where we put the fishing hut.
DougOkay. So anyway, here we are miles from civilization, and...
BobOh wait, are we gonna have enough power for people to hear us on the mainland?
DougGood question. We should also explain how we setup the radio.
BobOh, good call! Alright, my brother here's a genius. After we almost got caught making, uh, unlicensed broadcasts with our CB radio, he opened it up right and moved a few wires around and discovered that now we can be heard on the AM radio.
DougYeah, so our station's not in stereo. Cause like AM doesn't work in stereo, right? I repeat: not in stereo.
BobI saw an AM stereo radio once.
DougWhat, like twenty years ago?
BobNo, in that car I wanted to buy.
DougOkay, that car was twenty years old.
BobOh, figures, eh? Couldn't've afforded it anyways.
DougYeah. So someday we'll switch to FM, but not today.
BobOkay, now tell them about our antenna.
DougOur antenna? You mean the coat hangers and tin foil all along the side of the van?
DougOh, alright. Our antenna is made of coat hangers and tin foil all along the side of the van. We figure since we can pick up stations from 50 miles away with one coat hanger, that we can broadcast fifteen times further with fifteen coat hangers!
BobBeauty, eh?
DougSo that's uh. Five times... carry the three... uh...
BobThree? You... you have no idea what you're doing, do you?
BobOh. What?
DougNo wait! Seven-hundred and fifty! Wow, 750 mile range. Uh oh, that means they can get us in the States.
BobDon't worry, they'll never find us, we're in International waters!
DougOh, beauty, eh!
BobHey, you know what we should do?
DougMake a jingle to play our call letters?
BobNo. Well, yeah. But we should get a satellite transmitter, and get paid for doing all this.
DougNo way, getting paid is not the way of the radio pirate!
BobWhat? Well then what's the point?
DougSo we can play songs like this!
MusicBob and Doug McKenzie's Take Off begins to play in the background
BobOh, beauty, eh!
DougSo welcome to the first song on our pirate radio station.
BobThis is the number one song this week on CNOB!
DougAnd it'll be the number one song next week, too!
BobBeauty! (he gets up to dance during the refrain)
DougWhat the?
BobIt's a good song, and I wanna dance to it.
DougIt's not that good.
BobNo way, it's number one!
DougOkay, to all our listeners, Bob McKenzie is dancing to the...
Voice on loudspeakerThis is the police!
Bob(stops dancing) What the?
DougTake off! It's the cops!
VoiceWe know you're in there. Turn off the radio transmitter and come out!
BobIt's not the cops, it's the Coast Guard!
DougNo way, we're in International waters! The cops have no jusris... jursis... jurisdiction here!
VoiceWe're listening to your broadcast, and just parking your van in a swimming pool does not count as "International waters"!
Bob(opening the door to the van, revealing that they've been floating in an in-ground swimming pool all along) Uh. He told me it would, eh?
DougWha? Me? Take off!