May, 2006 The Hoser Weather: Look at the calendar. It's May, that means it's supposed to be warm and flowers are gonna open and give you allergies. So stay inside where it's cool and drink beer instead.
Vol. 9, No. 8

Victoria Day

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, show them what we found.
DougSee here? Oh wait.
BobYeah, they can't see us cause we're on the Internet.
DougThey could see us.
BobYeah, if we had a webcam or something.
DougBut who'd want to?
BobWell, they'd wanna see me. But we'd have to censor you.
DougAh geez.
BobPut a big blue blob over your face.
DougGet out.
BobOr one of those fuzzy blur things over your whole body, cause like we don't wanna be Z-rated for excessive ugliness or anything.
DougDid you just make that up?
DougBeauty. So The Hoser is now Z-rated.
BobGood. So show... uh... tell them about the calendar.
DougOkay, so since you can't see it, here's a calendar from 1997, and like there's all sorts of neat things on it. Here's the month of May.
BobThat's this month!
DougOnly eight years later!
Bob(counting) You mean nine.
DougIsn't this 2005?
BobNo! It's 2006!
DougWell what happened to New Year's?
BobAs usual you slept through it after drinking three dozen beers before midnight!
DougOh yeah! I forgot. So yeah. Nine years later.
BobOh geez!
BobI was supposed to visit the dentist on the 14th.
DougOh. That reminds me! They called on the 13th to confirm your appointment, I forgot to tell you.
BobYou remember that from nine years ago?
DougBut they probably did call.
BobYeah, that explains why they keep sending me bills.
DougCould be, eh!
BobSo anyway, here's the real reason we're showing you this calendar!
DougYeah, look right there. Um...
BobThey can't see it, eh!
DougI know, I know. So if you could see us on our webcam, you could look at the 19th and in the text it says "Victoria Day" and in brackets "Canada".
BobSo what's up with that, eh?
BobWe've always called that May Two-Four, cause it's always around the twenty-fourth...
DougAnd cause that's how many beers you're supposed to drink, eh!
BobYeah. The holiday conemmerates...
DougConnemmmmmmerates?!?! Wow, you're celebrating early this month!
BobUh, com-mem-or-ate! Commemortates the two-four of beer, a case of twenty-four beers invented in 1871 by uh, our ancestor, Sir Robert of McKenzie.
DougSir Robert?! I heard it was Sir Douglas!
BobNo way, that's a stupid name.
DougYou take off!
BobNo, you take off!
BobOkay, okay! You win! Sir Rob... Douglas of McKenzie invented the two-four on the long weekend in May 1871, and ever since we've had a holiday in his honour.
DougYeah, except now some chick named Victoria wants her name on it!
BobYeah! Who does she think she is? The Queen of England?
SFXphone rings
BobWhat the?
DougIt's the phone.
SFXphone rings
BobI know it's the phone! But it never rings during our show.
DougIt rang about five months ago.
SFXphone rings
DougYou gonna answer it?
Bob(picks up the receiver) Hello?
YouThis is one of your readers speaking.
DougWe have readers?
YouYes, Doug.
BobGeez! He can hear you! Don't insult our readers, eh!
DougSorry, eh?
YouDo you guys even know who Queen Victoria was?
YouShe really was the Queen of England, you nobks, and if you two hoseheads didn't waste your time making up silly stories to justify every day you take off work and actually looked at the calendar for once them maybe you would have known that, eh?
DougYeah, well big deal, I don't see what being the Queen has to do with drinking beer.
BobI've seen her daughter-in-law.
DougGood point.
YouI don't know why I'm bothering with you two, forget it!
BobYeah well: take off!
YouYou can both take off!