April, 2006 The Hoser Weather: If you feel stuff falling from the sky, better check to make sure it's rain, cause there's also a lot of birds flying around too, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 7

Landscaping Consultants

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo good day, we just started new jobs!
DougYeah, we were watching the TV right and there was this show eh and on it they were going around to people's houses and showing them what colours of paint to use on their walls and how to install bathroom sinks and stuff but we decided we weren't any good at that sort of stuff right so we realized that we were much better at mowing our lawn cause our dad always tells us to so we're now landscaping consultants, eh!
BobOkay, we're in the van, driving around looking for work.
DougWe got one of those magnetic signs, right? So our phone number is on the side of the van and everything.
BobYeah, too bad there's no one home to take the call.
DougGeez. One of us should get a cell phone, eh!
BobNo way! They're too small nowadays, you'll make a call and end up swallowing it like you almost did with that beer cap last week.
DougWell fortunately beer caps are very crunchy. I think I chipped a tooth.
BobSo anyway, it's still early spring and it's the perfect time to start working on your yard. If you're wondering where to put that tree, or how to build one of those little rock guys that the Eskimos make...
DougAnd you know those bushel baskets that are turned on their side and have the flowers growing out of them?
DougWe can do those, too.
DougWe're very versatile.
BobYeah. See anyone who needs...
DougHow about that guy? (points to an upcoming house where a man is digging a hole to plant a tree)
BobOh, beauty!
DougPull over. (Bob does, and they get out)
ManHey, nice day, isn't it?
BobI know, it's a beauty, eh!
ManCan I help you with something?
DougNo, but maybe we can help you. See, we're landscaping consultants, and we can tell you the perfect location to place that tree.
ManActually, I've already got the hole started. But I'm thinking of doing some other work on the lawn. Do you two have a business card?
DougWe had some uh, issues with our publish... uh, printer. Printing company.
BobYeah, yeah.
DougThey hosed us by printing our names backwards. Or something.
BobThat's it, and we refused to pay them.
BobBut you can have this. (he removes the magnetic sign from the van)
DougWhat? No, take off! That's our sign!
BobBut he needs our number to...
DougWe need that to advertise our business!
Man(writing on a small piece of paper) Look, it's alright, I've already got your number.
BobOh. Okay then.
DougLet's go. We'll be hearing from you real soon. Uh...
BobYeah. (they get in the van and drive off)
DougWe gotta be more aggressive to get more customers.
BobGood call. Hey, how about that place? (he points to a house with several weeds growing in the front lawn)
DougBe-uty! Pull over.(they pull over and go to the back of the van) Get out the weed eater.
BobNo way, it's out of gas!
DougWhat? Why?
BobI siphoned it out to fill up the van.
DougYou nobk! That was an oil-gas mixture!
BobI wondered why the van was producing more smoke than usual today.
DougI didn't notice. Just hand me that gas can.
DougOkay, we'll use the mower, then.
DougDoes anything in here have gas? Besides us, I mean.
BobNo way, eh! You think the small amount in the weed eater and mower could fill the van on their own?
DougAh geez. Well, we'll just dig the weeds out. Hand me that shovel.
BobOkay. (they start to dig the weeds out, moments later the owner comes outside)
HomeownerHey! What the? What are you doing?!
DougOh. Hi, we're from McKenzie Landscaping Consulting, and we noticed these weeds in your front lawn and decided to help you out by removing them...
HomeownerThat's not a weed, you idiots! It's a rare decorative grass that only grows in the desert! Do you realize how much it cost to have it imported and planted here?!
DougWell, you'll find our rates are quite competitive, we can replant it but it'll probably take an hour or...
HomeownerYou're charging me!? Get off my lawn! Just (he grabs the shovel from Bob's hands) get out of here! (he threatens them with it)
BobGeez, let's get out of here, eh! (they run to the van and get in)
Doug(rolling down the window) We'll send you an bill for the work we've already done!
BobNo charge for the shovel, though!
SFXWHAM! (the shovel hits the side of the van and wedges in it like a spear)
DougOh beauty, he gave it back.
BobWe should give him a discount.
SFXrain on the windshield
BobHey, look. It's raining.
DougWe can't do landscaping if it's raining!
BobYeah, you know what this means!
TogetherWe get the rest of the day off!