March, 2006 The Hoser Weather: If you've got two soakers don't worry, it's just March and the snow's melting and it means it's time to get new boots, eh?
Vol. 9, No. 6

Mister Fix-It And His Brother Doug

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo welcome to The Hoser, and... oh wait, start over!
DougWha? Why?!
BobWe gotta do this right.
BobSo, uh. Okay. Good day, I'm Mister Fix-It, and this is my brother Doug.
DougOh yeah. How's it goin', eh? I'm Doug Fix-It.
BobBeauty. So if you're wondering why I'm Mister Fix-It, it's cause we're doin' house repairs now.
DougAnd just so you know, I'm Doctor Fix-It. That's better than Mister but I'm modest so I just call myself Doug.
BobYeah, right. So anyway, we're here in the bathroom....
DougYeah, it's finally come to this. We're doin' the show from a bathroom.
BobAt least it's ours.
BobSo Doctor Fix-It, tell everyone why we're doin' house repairs.
DougOkay. So the tap in the sink's leaking right but since we always use this bathroom cause it's closest to our bedroom eh our dad decided that it was our fault and we should fix it but we called a plumber and we'd have to give up beer for a month to pay for it so we went down to the hardware store and got all the stuff we need to fix a sink and we're gonna do it ourselves, eh!
BobWow. Beauty run-on.
DougYeah, I gotta catch my breath.
BobSo... what he said.
BobYou can't see us, so I'm gonna describe what Doug's doing as he starts the repair job.
DougWha? Wait a minute. Me?! I thought you were gonna do it!
BobNo way, eh!
DougBut you're Mister Fix-It!
BobYou're Doctor Fix-It!
DougAh geez.
BobGet under there. So Doug's goin' under the sink, he's gonna remove the pipe or something.
Doug(reaching under sink) So what am I looking for, here?
BobI don't know.
DougSome Mister Fix-It you are! Hand me that wrench.
BobWhat're you gonna do? Use it as a hammer? (hands it to Doug)
DougYeah, on your leg!
BobOw, geez! (grabs his knee and jumps around)
DougThat's for passing yourself off as an expert on...
SFXWater spraying
BobHoly geez!
BobMaybe we shoulda turned the water off first, eh!
Doug(emerging from under the sink, which is no longer spraying water) Yeah, maybe.
BobWow! Wethead! Towel off.
DougI would, except the towel's soaked, too. Oh man, I got water in my ears.
BobYour ears? It'll be the first time they've been clean in decades.
DougYeah, well I worry about my hearing and don't want to clean them out too often otherwise I won't be able to listen to music at high volumes.
DougOkay, that was an example of what not to do. Now Mister Fix-It is going to show what he's learned and do it right.
DougGet under there.
BobAw geez. Can't we just use a plunger or something?
DougOkay, we'll go back to the hardware store and get one of those tiny plungers that fits in sinks and tiny toilets from uh, England, and then we'll use it upside down to try to get the tap to stop leaking.
BobBeauty, eh! Let's dry off and go!
DougNo way, eh! I was just joking.
BobWell our readers don't know that.
DougSo? Get down there and fix it.
BobAw geez. Okay, okay. So hand me that wrench.
DougYou better not use it on my leg.
BobNo, I'm not gonna, I want to use it on this washer here.
DougOkay, I'm watching you, though.
BobDon't worry, I just want to undo it a bit so I can see where the leak is.
DougOkay! (hands him the wrench)
DougAh! Sonofa!
BobThat's for hittin' me earlier, you hoser.
DougTake off, eh! I need this leg to drive the van to the beer store!
BobYeah, well I'll...
DougThe tap's not leaking.
BobWhat? (emerges from under sink and looks) Wow, see? I told you I could fix it. That's why I'm called Mister Fix-It.
DougYeah, well I'm Doctor Fix-It.
BobYour degree must have been honourary, look how I fixed it and you just got soak...
SFXWater spraying