February, 2006 The Hoser Weather: Keep your ears on... no wait, keep your earmuffs on, cause it's gonna be cold this month. And that's your 10-13, good buddy!
Vol. 9, No. 5

CB Radio

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo welcome to The Hoser, and go!
DougOkay, last week we found our old CB radio in the garage and we pulled it out and plugged it into the van right and we got an old coathanger out of the closet and stuck it on the side of the radio as an antenna eh and turned it on and so now it works again, eh!
BobYeah, beauty!
DougSo 10-4, good buddy!
BobNo way! 10-4 is CB slang for "good day", and we haven't finished yet!
DougTake off! 10-4 is CB slang for "okay".
BobOh. Okay, then. I mean... 10-4, then.
DougBeauty. So as I was saying, smokey's on your tail and keep your ears on, do you copy?
BobYou have no idea what you just said, do you?
DougUh. Only you can prevent forest fires?
DougOh yeah, like you know too!
BobI know more than you!
DougTake off! So anyway, here's our base station radio, and we found it in the basement, conveniently enough.
BobYeah, it's bigger and plugs into the wall.
DougOrdinarily we'd plug it into the big TV antenna on the side of the house that hasn't been used for like fifteen years but it still screwed up the cable signal and our dad got mad cause he couldn't watch the all-car racing channel right so we had to unplug it, eh!
BobSo like back when Doug was legal drinking age and I wasn't, he'd go out to the beer store with the CB in the van, and I'd use the base unit to tell him which types of beer we were out of.
DougOh yeah, that worked well. Let's see if this thing still works. (he turns it on)
SFXloud crackle
Doug(into handset) So good day, and welcome to the broadcast version of The Hoser!
BobOh, beauty, eh!
DougI'm Doug McKenzie, and welcome to my show! Broadcasting to you live on, uh... channel 9!
BobNo, take off! Change the channel!
DougWhy? What for?
BobChannel 9 is for emergencies only!
DougOh! (into mic) Sorry, eh! I've gotta report an emergency, my brother's a big hose...
Bob(grabs handset) Gimme that!
DougGeez, I said "sorry", eh!
BobYou have no idea how to talk on the radio, do you?
DougWe used to use this all the time!
BobYeah, well I'm takin' over! (into mic) Good day, and welcome to The Hoser, starring Bob McKenzie, and no one else.
DougNo wait, I'm here too!
BobThere must be some sort of interference, folks! (turns handset off) Oh yeah, I can just turn this thing off.
BobNo one's listening.
DougYeah, cause everyone else on the planet got rid of their CB radios in 1982.
BobNo, we got two of 'em!
DougOkay, so you go out to the van so we can have a conversation!
BobTake off! Why I gotta go?!
DougCause I get the base unit. I called it!
BobAw geez.
DougDon't forget to put your trucker hat on, eh!
BobNo way, it's too cold. I'm wearing my tuque cause it's February in Canada, eh!
DougAw, you gotta look like a trucker if you're gonna use the CB radio!
BobYou used it and you look like a nobk!
BobI'm stayin' here.
Bob(back on microphone) So welcome back, I'm your host Bob McKenzie, with me in the studio today is my brother Doug. How's it going, Doug? (holds the mic up to Doug's face)
DougIt's going pretty good.
BobOkay, so beauty. Today the topic is CB radio, cause we're using a CB radio.
DougThat's a big 10-4, folks!
BobNice. Hey, read the script so far!
DougNo way, eh! The folks reading on the Internet are gonna end up reading it again, and then when we get to the part where you say "read the script so far" we're gonna have to start all over again and again until we fall asleep or the radio explodes or something.
BobOkay, good point cause there's probably only two people listening to us right now, and that's the two of us.
DougYou say something? I wasn't paying attention.
BobHoser. (back into mic) So we're back, and this is now our call in... no wait! Our music show! Get the turntable out, Doug!
DougThe wha?
BobWe're gonna hear some Zeppelin, some Rush, and then the musical stylings of Bob McKenzie!
DougOh yeah, you're gonna perform music. Since you're like a trucker talking on a CB radio what's it gonna be? Country music?
BobIt could be, you don't know.
DougI can play music better than you.
BobOn what? Your armpit?
DougOh yeah, well you can...
BobGeez, now look what you've done! We're outa time!
DougAw no!
Bob(back on mic) Okay, so that's the show for today, we'll have a longer one, uh, tomorrow or something. Good day. (holds the handset up to Doug)
DougWha? Oh! Good day, eh!
voice on radioAre you guys really gonna be back tomorrow?!
DougHey! We got a fan!
BobBeauty, we've got listeners! (into mic) Yeah we will! Are you gonna be listening?
voice on radioFor sure! This is the police, we want to triangulate your position so we can fine you for making illegal broadcasts!
Bob and DougOh, geez! (they run out of the room)