December, 2005 The Hoser Weather: Wear two sets of earmuffs to blank out the Christmas music at all the stores, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 3

Doug On A Diet

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo good day, and I've got some real good news for you!
Doug(looking very annoyed) No, take off!
BobWe went to the doctor's office, right? And like took all sorts of tests and stuff, and hoser here must have forgot to study cause he failed, eh!
DougGet out. You can't study for a blood test anyway.
BobYeah, well...
DougYou might try. But you'd still fail.
BobOh yeah? But I passed, eh? You, on the other hand, have to go on a diet and can't drink beer.
DougI can't drink regular beer. I can have lite beer. (holds up a bottle of lite beer) See? (takes a swig) Tastes like water.
BobWhy not just drink tap water, then?
DougCause the city pumps the water out of the lake.
BobYeah, so?
DougSo remember what happened when we were camping there?
BobOh, right. Um. Uh, so get this: this hoser can't even eat donuts or backbacon till he loses twenty pounds.
DougIt's not gonna take long. I'm gonna drop you off at the dump. That's almost 200 pounds right there.
BobOh, and you're Mister Skinny over there, eh!
DougIt's all muscle, eh!
BobIt is not. It's mostly tuque and parka and uh...
BobYeah. (pauses) Wha?
DougAnd my ginormous brain.
DougYeah, it's a new word I invented to describe myself.
BobThere's already a word for that: "big idiot".
DougThat's two words.
BobAlright: "hoser".
DougTake off, you nobk.
BobA nobk who can eat... (takes a cardboard box out from under his chair) DONUTS! (removes one from the box and stuffs the whole thing in his mouth)
Doug(disgusted) Aw, geez.
Bob(chewing) Mmmph?
DougDidn't mom ever tell you to chew with your mouth closed?
BobYou asked me a question. I didn't want to be rude by not responding.
DougI guess that makes...
BobBesides, you do that all the time!
DougYeah, that's cause I'm older and I'm allowed to tell you what to do.
BobY'are not. The doctor can tell you what to do, though. And he told you not to eat... (takes out another donut) DONUTS!!! (stuffs it in his mouth once again)
DougGeez, it was a jelly, too.
BobURP. Yeah, I bet I look like a vampire with raspberry filling on my face.
DougNot really.
BobI vant to suck the filling out of your donuts!!!!
DougYou still look like an idiot.
BobTake off. Okay, I'm makin' dinner now. (turns on Coleman)
DougNow that you had dessert?
BobNo, there's ten more donuts in that box, and you can't have any. So that was just an appetizer. (opens a packages of backbacon)
DougHey, I can't eat that stuff either!
BobReally? That's too bad. I said that I'm making dinner. If you wanna eat then make your own.
DougYou're bein' a real jerk about this. Not that that's surprising.
BobYeah, I learned from you.
SFXphone ringing
BobWhat the?
DougWas that the doorbell?
SFXphone rings again
BobNo, it's a phone.
DougWe have a phone?
BobI guess.
SFXphone rings again
DougWell who'd wanna call us?
BobAnswer it and find out, eh!
DougWhere is...
SFXphone rings again
Doug(finds the phone) ...there it is. (picks up the receiver) Hello?
BobAw, shoulda done a funny voice.
Doug(into the phone) No, it's Doug. Really? Really? Yeah, I'll tell him.
BobWhat, you're talkin' about me? Who is it?
Doug(holds his hand over the phone) They got our records screwed up at the doctor's office. You're the one who's supposed to be on a diet, eh!
BobNo, take off! Let me talk to them!
DougOkay! (hands him the phone)
Bob(on the phone) Bob McKenzie here.
DougSNORK! "Bob McKenzie here! How may I help you?!"
BobTake off! No, not you, I was talkin' to my brother there. Yeah. ME?! Aw geez. Alright. Um. Thanks. (hangs up)
DougSee, I was right. (grabs a donut and a plate for backbacon) Thanks for makin' me dinner, eh!
BobTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! And there's also a Christmas DVD with us on it, even though we showed up late for the party, eh!