November, 2005 The Hoser Weather: Don't bother. It's cold out and probably snowing, so stay indoors and watch hockey and drink beer.
Vol. 9, No. 2

Time Travel

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, this month we're doing the show from the Beer Store and the topic is time travel, eh?
DougYeah, we should start out by telling the most important reasons for travelling through time.
BobOkay, go.
DougOh, my turn? Beauty. Okay, last week we went up in our attic cause there were mice or squirrels running around. We didn't find them eh but what we did find were a bunch of old empties we bought like 25 years ago!
BobBeauty, eh? There were stubbies and all sorts of weird shaped and coloured bottles too.
DougSo we figure it's a jackpot, eh?
BobWe was gonna take them back to the Beer Store but they wouldn't take the empties cause they was so old!
DougWhat a bunch of hosers.
BobYeah. So Plan B: we travel back in time to 1980 when most of the beers were bought and return them then!
BobYeah, explain the technology behind the time machine we built.
DougOkay, I know more of the technical jargon than Bob so I'll explain: we took the van right and put some tin foil all around it to act as a conductor so then we figured it needed a flux capacitor like in Back To The Future so we built one out of an old Coleman stove and broken beer bottle.
BobOkay, don't give away too many details cause we don't want any time criminals to build their own time machine and go back and alter the course of history!
DougOh yeah, that'd suck, eh? We would have done even worse in history class in school. So anyway, we got the time machine working and like we didn't even need any plutonium.
BobYeah. Just beer.
DougLots of beer.
BobSo good day, and welcome to 1980!
DougBeauty! Like I was walking by a TV store and they were showing us on all the TVs in the window, eh!
BobYeah, I shoulda brought a VCR so I could tape those old episodes.
DougWe shoulda brought back a DVD player and claimed we invented it!
BobAw man! Next time, eh!
DougI just had a thought.
BobThat doesn't happen often.
DougTake off. What happens if we run into our past selves?
BobWhat, like Bob and Doug of the past?
BobUm. The universe will end and every molecule in your body will explode at the speed of light.
BobYeah, so let's hope we don't run into our past selves.
DougGood safety tip.
BobOkay, let's drop off these bottles.
DougYeah, let's go in. (they get off the cases they were sitting on and walk into the store)
BobOh no! Look! (points to the two guys in parkas and tuques in front of them in line)
DougGeez! (the guy in front of him turns around)
Bob Of The PastShut up, Doug! (realizes it's Doug of the Present and does a double-take) WHOA!
Doug Of The PastWhat the? (turns around) Geez!
BobHey, how's it goin'?
Bob Of The PastWho are you?!
BobI'm you, twenty-five years from now!
Doug Of The Past(to Doug of the Present) And you must be me, eh?
DougYeah! See, even in the past I was smarter than you.
Bob Of The Past and Bob Of The PresentTake off!
Doug Of The PastWow, we're old.
BobSpeak for yourself, you hoser.
Bob Of The PastSo what's the future like?
DougUh. It's ten years after World War IV and fleshy-headed mutants have taken over society.
Doug Of The PastReally?
DougNo, but feel free to use the idea if you ever make a movie.
Bob Of The Past(looking down at the cases of empties that Bob and Doug of the Present are carrying) Beauty choices. If you guys are us, and you like those beers, then we'll get them too.
Doug Of The PastWe'll hide them in the attic, that way our dad won't find them, eh!
Bob Of The PastYeah, if you're looking for more empties to take back, don't forget to look there!
BobBeauty, more empties...
Doug(whispering to Bob) Shut up! (normally) Uh, we'll keep that in mind.
Guy Behind CounterHey, you Bobbsey Twins gonna order or what?
Bob Of The PastAw geez, we gotta go, eh!
Doug Of The PastGood day.
DougUh yeah. Good day.
BobSee you in the mirror, I guess. (Bob and Doug of the Past go up to the counter)
DougWow, that was weird.
BobSo much for the universe ending.
DougAt least we know why these empties were hidden in the attic.
BobBeauty. Anyway, we gotta travel back to 2005 before our past selves get in the wrong van.
DougLike you did last time you had fifteen beers?
Bob Of The Past and Bob Of The PresentTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! The first three volumes are out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume is out now too, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!