September, 2006 The Hoser Weather: All the new shows on TV start this month so don't worry about the weather cause you'll be indoors all the time eh unless you have an antenna still in which case you still don't have to worry about the weather cause you can always cut into your neighbour's cable, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 12

No Topic

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, so this month we had a really good topic, eh, but some hosehead forgot to write it down.
DougYeah, and it wasn't me!
BobNo take off, it was!
DougOkay, well, it was a great topic, too. And I came up with it!
BobYou did not, it was me!
DougI agree. You forgot to write it down.
BobNo wait... what? I came up with the topic, you forgot to write it down.
DougNo way, it was you.
BobWhat, that...
Doug...that lost it! I came up with it.
DougAnd it was a really good topic, too.
BobCouldn't've been if you came up with it. It was probably about wearing tuques to the donut shop or something.
DougNo it... hey, that's a good idea, eh? Okay folks, the topic is "wearing tuques to the donut shop"!
BobNo way, it... don't forget, I came up with it.
DougSo if it bombs I'm gonna quote you on that.
BobTake off.
DougOkay, so we always wear our tuques to the donut shop.
SFXlong pause
DougAnd uh, even in the summer.
SFXlong pause
DougYou got anything to add?
BobUm. We wear our tuques to the donut shop, even in the summer. Oh, and in the winter, too.
DougBeauty! So, uh...
BobThis topic sucks!
DougJust remember who came up with it!
BobYeah, okay. But remember who forgot our real topic!
DougI'm not namin' any names, cause I'm not that sort of person.
BobWhat? You? You're the first guy to name names!
DougWhat do you mean?
BobDad says "who dropped my beer?" and you say "Bob!" Dad says "who spent the beer money?" and you say "Bob!" Dad says "who drove the van through the garage door?" and you say "Bob!"
DougYeah, well. You actually did do that last one.
BobOh. Right.
DougBut see, I'm teachin' you how to be responsible for your own actions.
BobYou're teachin' me how to be responsible for your actions!
DougWell someone has to be!
BobGeez. You're a hoser. First you forget our topic and now you're blamin' all your problems on me!
DougYeah, well I had no problems until you were born!
BobWhat were you? Four years old? You don't even remember what happened last week!
DougI remember being happy, that's all.
BobWhat? Last week or when you were four?
DougUh. Both.
BobRight. So anyway, now we need a new topic.
DougWe had a new topic. In fact, it was the best topic ever! We coulda...
BobYeah, right!
DougWe coulda put it up here and everyone woulda said "wow, Doug, what a great topic! We're glad you thought of it!"
BobYou? Again with the thinking that you came up with the topic, eh!
DougAnd then they'd be saying "geez, that Doug McKenzie's real smart, eh? Like he should get an award for such great, uh... topic thinking of. Stuff."
Bob"Topic thinking of stuff?"
BobYou mean like "writing"?
DougWell if you wanna get technical then I suppose you could call it that. I prefer "composing".
BobYeah, you're a composer like Beethoven.
DougI could be.
BobDoug Beethoven, and his symphony of topics.
DougIt could be. Doug's Ninth Symphony.
BobWhat's that? Ode To Beer?
DougYeah, in uh, B Major.
BobMore like F Minor.
DougWha? Take off!
BobYou take off!
DougNo: you, for forgetting our topic!
BobI didn't forget it, you d... aw, we're out of space.
DougWe are? Ah no! We are.
BobSo that's the Hoser for this month, good day.
DougSorry we didn't have a good topic. We'll come up with one for next month. Or at least I will. Good day, eh!
Bob"An analysis of Canadian and non-Canadian owned breweries and their impact on the national economy."
DougWha? Oh yeah, that was it! How'd you...
BobIt was written on my arm.
DougOh beauty.
SFXlong pause
DougThat's not a good topic at all.
BobNo, not really.
DougOkay, good day.
BobGood day, eh!