August, 2006 The Hoser Weather: Sudden storms can develop this month and not only are they powerful enough to tear down trees and telephone poles, but also to move cases of beer stored outside into your neighbour's yard, where he'll claim they're his! So store your beer indoors, preferably in the fridge, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 11

McKenzie's Barbershop

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo good day, and welcome to our barbershop!
DougBeauty shop, eh! And check out our barber pole! (he points to a beer bottle on a record turntable)
BobYeah, so tell the people how we got our barbershop.
DougOkay, here goes. We used to go to this barber downtown here eh and we'd talk about the latest beers or donuts or how cops hang out at donut shops and give us tickets when we're in the barbershop instead of fighting crime like our taxes pay for or would if we actually paid them, eh?
BobRight, but then what happened?
DougOur barber retired!
BobWhat a hoser! Putting his enjoyment ahead of our hair!
DougSo now he's in Florida and we're still here. And that was the only barbershop in town!
BobAll the rest are hairstylists!
DougYeah, they use conditioners and blow dryers and stuff!
BobWhich is overkill for Doug, cause he only washes his hair once a week.
DougYeah, well it's more often than you, Mr. Once-a-month!
BobHey, I'm a very nice smelling guy, and save water and therefore the environment by only taking a bath once every few weeks.
DougSaving the environment? More like polluting it with your garbage breath!
BobTake off, eh!
DougYou take off!
BobI'll breathe on you!
DougOkay, okay!
BobI win, eh!
BobSo anyway, now we gotta start our own barbershop.
DougYeah, so welcome to it. We bought the chairs from our old barber when he went out of business.
BobWell, actually, we took them from his store after...
BobOh, right. He gave them to us.
DougBeauty, eh! And we got the scissors and razors too.
BobNow all we need is a barber to cut peoples' hair!
DougWhat do you mean? We can do it!
BobNo way, take off! You gotta go to barbering school to learn how to cut hair properly!
DougBarbering school?
BobOkay, well maybe it's not called that, but beautician... no wait.
DougThat's where the hairstylists go to school.
BobWell anyway, you gotta learn how not to stick a pair of scissors into your customer's head either by accident or on purpose, eh?
DougYeah, well I can understand why a barber would want to stick sharp objects into your pointy head.
DougBut I won't cause you're my only brother, eh! So sit in the chair and I'll demonstrate how to give a haircut without going to barbering school!
BobAw geez.
DougNaw, just get in the chair, it'll be alright.
BobNo way.
DougI'll buy the next case of beer.
BobOh all right. (he gets into the chair and removes his tuque)
Doug(picking up scissors) Okay, now the technique is to just trim a little bit off the sides. (starts cutting Bob's hair)
BobWhat're you doin'?!
DougJust hold still and we won't... uh oh.
BobWhaddya mean "uh oh"?
DougNothing, I just cut one or two hairs a little shorter than I wanted to. I'll just fix it with these. (he puts the scissors down and starts the razor)
SFXrazor buzzing
BobWhat the?! Take off!
DougHold still, eh!
BobI musta been real drunk to get in this chair for you!
DougYou were! Stop moving!
BobYou're gonna...
DougOops. (turns off razor)
BobWhat the?!
DougNevermind, it doesn't look that bad.
BobDid it just get colder in here?
DougI didn't notice anything.
BobGimme a mirror!
DougUh. Oh, I knew we forgot to take something from the shop. Hold on, I'll find one. (he leaves the room)
BobWhat the... my hair! (he reaches up and finds a small bald spot cut by Doug)
Doug(re-entering the room) What's all the shouting? I said it didn't look too bad!
BobYou're makin' me go bald!
DougAt your age I'm surprised you aren't already!
BobWha... hey! You're older than me!
DougOh yeah. Well don't worry, it'll grow out. Maybe.
BobYou made me go bald, you hoser! Gimme those clippers! (reaches for the razor)
Doug(grabs them and defensively moves on the opposite side of the chair from Bob) Wha? No way! I told you I'd buy a case of beer!
BobYeah, well... c'mere!
DougWhat? No! Why?
BobI'm gonna garbage-breath you!
DougTake off!