October, 2005 The Hoser Weather: NHL hockey is back, so no need to go outdoors unless it's to the Beer Store, eh!
Vol. 9, No. 1

Winter Camping

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo the topic this month is winter camping, right?
DougYeah, we had it all planned out, eh? We went camping last weekend right and thought it was gonna be really cold and snowing eh but it turned out to be really warm and we were able to go swimming and everything and we didn't even need to start a fire until it got dark, eh!
BobI guess we should change the topic. Uh, I guess we usually do at some point anyway.
DougNo, we have to do this one, cause our publisher says so.
BobOur publisher?
BobWe have a publisher?
DougUm. We could have. And if we did they wouldn't like it when we change topics, cause we have a deadline to meet, and in the Hoser writing business...
BobHoser writing business? Is that what it's called when you write an issue of The Hoser, or is it what happens when a hoser writes something?
DougYeah, well you write them too, so I'm not the only hoser around here.
BobYeah, right.
DougSo anyway, I'm gonna keep going with this topic. Um. Winter camping. Good day, I'm Doug McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. I mean Bob!
BobYeah, see what happens when you take over?
DougTake off. Like you've never goofed up, eh?
BobWhy are we even doing this? Winter doesn't start for another two months! It hasn't even snowed in this part of the country.
DougOkay, do you want to go camping in December?
BobUm. Welcome to winter camping with Bob and Doug McKenzie.
DougI didn't think so.
BobOkay, so when you're camping in the winter, what do you do?
DougUm. Okay, it gets real cold so you want a good sleeping bag. Or get like two or three, and make sure at least one is one of those two-person sleeping bags, and put the others inside of it.
BobWe do this in the summer to lose weight fast.
DougYeah, sweat out the beer.
BobSweatin' to the oldies.
DougYeah, the ones that you couldn't drink otherwise.
DougSo we get a bunch of sleeping bags. These are easily acquired when you're camping earlier in the year. You just wait for people on neighbouring campsites to go canoeing or something and take theirs.
BobYeah, no one in the wilderness locks their tents.
DougTents have locks?
BobThey could have locks.
DougGeez. Just get a knife and rip through the thing.
BobGood call, eh!
DougOh yeah, before the other campers come back make sure you rip up some of their stuff and steal their food. Then when they ask what happened to their sleeping bags you tell them it was a bear or really big raccoon.
BobBeauty. And you know, firewood can be obtained in the same way.
DougYeah. And gasoline, if they parked their SUV there.
BobUm. Okay, and the other thing you need when you're camping in the winter is long underwear.
DougOh yeah. I'm real disappointed I didn't get to use mine this year when camping. I spent like thirty bucks on it, too.
BobYeah, long underwear is something you really don't want to steal from the neighbouring site.
DougOr from anywhere.
BobNo kidding. So what else keeps you warm in the winter?
BobNaw, beer is cold! Don't you want a warm drink like hot chocolate or something?
DougYeah, well from a scientific viewpoint, which I realize you wouldn't understand...
Doug...is that the alcohol in beer dilates your blood vessels, making you feel warmer. Just make sure you get a high alcohol content, like malt liquor, eh? Avoid lite beer at all costs.
BobWhere'd you hear that? Star Trek?
DougYeah, It was Dr. McCoy. Or Dr. Spock.
BobDoctor Spock? He wasn't on Star Trek, he was a guy who wrote books on taking care of babies!
DougWhat were you doing in the medical section of the bookstore? In fact, what were you doing in a bookstore at all?!
BobThere's a whole section on beer.
DougOh, okay then. Um. Yeah, beer in the winter. Just be careful it doesn't freeze. Cause frozen beer explodes when you open it.
BobAnd don't get it too close to the fire, either. Cause boiling beer explodes too.
DougWow. Beer is an explosive. Instead of TNT, it's BNB.
BobThis awesome destructive power must never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands!
DougToo late, we've already got it!
BobOh no! Doug McKenzie has beer and he knows how to use it!
BobAh geez! (starts waving hands in the air)
DougWow. That was a 6.0 on the alcohol scale.
BobYou're drinking the malt liquor?
DougYeah, taking five of these is like six regular beers.
BobOr twelve lite beers. Pass one over.
Doug(hands Bob a beer) Okay, so that's our show for this month. Good day.
BobGood day, eh! (opens beer)
SFXBeer spraying everywhere
DougI win, I finally win! Wethead! Towel off!
BobTake off, eh!

Hoser Eighth Anniversary

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Good day, and welcome to the eight anniversary of The Hoser, eh! We've been working on this so long we're almost to our 100th issue! So good day, and drink at least eight beers in honour of this event. Or even better, 100 beers!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! The first three volumes are out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume is out now too, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!