May, 2005 The Hoser Weather: It's gonna get warm cause all the geeks will be outside waiting in line for Star Wars Episode III and they sweat and also eat cheesies which take a lot of heat to make. Meanwhile, we'll be nice and cool in our basement watching the bootleg version we got yesterday.
Vol. 8, No. 8


by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobToday the topic is nothing.
DougWha? Nothing!?
DougIt's gotta be something!
BobIt is, it's nothing!
DougThen it's not something.
BobWe discussed this, it's nothing.
DougWhat? You mean nothing, nothing?
DougOh well. In that case. Folks, stop reading now, cause this is gonna get real boring real fast.
BobNo, no, this is like the best topic ever.
DougTake off, it's the most boring topic ever. Folks, go get a beer and watch TV or something, cause this is gonna suck.
BobSo when we said we were gonna talk about nothing, what were you thinking of?
DougI thought it was a joke. I didn't know you were gonna start the whole philosophical discussion on it, eh?
BobYeah, well I am. So. What is nothing? Um. Nothing... is the state of being nothingness!
DougIs that even a word?
BobIt is now.
DougWow, you're like some sort of professor.
BobYeah, I'm Professor Bob. A Professor of phisopholy.
BobUh... philso... philoph... ah geez, you know what I mean.
BobSo now I'm gonna give a demonstration. Hand me your beer.
DougNo way! You're gonna drink it.
BobNo, I just need the bottle to prove something.
DougOh all right. (hands him the beer)
BobOkay. See this beer?
BobI was talking to our audience.
DougThey're all bored, so I'm the only audience member left.
BobGeez. So anyway, this beer bottle. There's something in it, right? It's the beer!
BobBut what if this happens? (he drinks the beer)
DougWhat the?! HEY!
BobBRP! So now it's empty, right? So now there's nothing in the bottle!
DougYou owe me a beer!
BobBut there's still something in the bottle: it's nothing! So nothing is something. And that's my proof.
DougAnd that was my beer! You drank my beer!
BobYou can have it back, see? The bottle's still full.
DougNo it's...
BobSee? It's full of nothing!
DougI think I just got hosed here. Hey, wait a minute. It's not full of nothing.
BobYeah it is.
DougNo, nothing means that there's nothing else there. But there is: it's full of air. So your proof is wrong.
BobUm. Okay, give me that. (takes the bottle)
DougWhat're you gonna do? Vacuum the air out?
BobYeah! (starts sucking the air out of the bottle)
DougYou're a nobk. You're gonna get your tongue stuck in the bottle just like what happened to you last month when you were playing with the vacuum tube at the dentist.
Bob(tongue is stuck in the bottle) Uh?! Ah an't ee! Ah aw oo!
DougGeez, give me that. (pulls the bottle off of Bob's tongue)
SFXLoud pop
DougHoser. I told you this topic was gonna suck. What were you saying?
BobGeez. I said, "that wasn't me, that was you!"
DougOh right, I forgot.
BobAnyway, for a moment there, there really was nothing in the bottle. No beer, no air, no nothin'. Oh wait, I mean: yes nothin'!
DougWhat about your tongue?
BobAw geez. Now I'm gettin' a headache, you're making me think too much!
DougNo, it's just the fifteen beers you've had today.
BobSixteen, I just drank yours.
DougOh yeah. Thanks a lot. You still owe me a beer.
BobDid we just prove that there's no such thing as nothing? We really are phisopholers!
Doug"Phisopholers?!" SNORK!
BobUh... philso... philoph... ah geez, you know what I mean.
DougOh yeah? What about outer space? There's nothing in outer space!
BobThere has to be, how else would you be able to hear explosions in Star Wars?
DougOh yeah. So maybe there really... Oh wait, I know where there's nothing!
BobWhere's that?
DougBetween your ears.
BobWha? Between... hey! Take off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! So take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!