April, 2005 The Hoser Weather: It's gonna be wet outside and you'll probably get mud on your boots so make sure you wipe your feet before you go into the donut shop eh cause like the girl who just spent all morning mopping the floor will get real mad and kick you out, eh!
Vol. 8, No. 7

At The Dentist

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, and I'm here at the dentist.
Bob's DentistHow's it goin', eh? (to Bob) I have to go get your records. Don't touch anything this time.
BobOkay, eh! (the dentist leaves) So uh, Doug's out in the waiting room, and he'll be in here next to do the second half of the show I guess. We're here for our six-month checkup. And uh, we recommend it for anyone who...
BobHuh? Hey! What are you doing here?
DougI'm sneakin' in.
BobNo, take off.
DougGood day, I'm Doug... Doctor Doug McKenzie. That's a doctor of dentistry, eh!
BobNo, get out!
Doug(taking mirror off the table) Okay, Bob, what seems to be the problem?
BobTake off! You're not a dentist! We're gonna get in trouble!
DougYour mouth seems to be stuck open and there's lots of sound coming out but it doesn't make any sense. I think we have a bad case of tooth decay here.
BobNo way, eh!
DougOkay, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm not really a dentist.
Bob(sarcastically) NO!
DougYeah! So good day, and the topic is uh, dental health.
BobApparently this is a public service announcement.
DougThe more you know. Stay in school, kids.
BobGeez. Anyway, it's important to see your dentist twice a year, and...
DougThat doesn't mean just to see him. You actually have to make an appointment and go to his office.
BobYeah, we found that out the hard way.
DougSo uh, here we are at the dentist. Look at all the neat tools they get to use. (picks up drill)
SFXdrill whirring
BobGEEZ! Take off!
DougDon't worry, I'm not gonna use it.
BobHey look. They got all sorts of other attachments.
DougBeauty. Hey, this is the water thingy. (starts squirting Bob with water)
BobHey, get out!
DougYour whole head is a soaker!
BobTAKE OFF! Gimme that! (reaches for the water sprayer)
DougNo way, eh! I'm gonna use the drill!
BobAh! (covers his head)
DougSNORK! I win, eh!
BobYou're a hoser.
DougHey, here's the vacuum, too. (picks up the vacuum)
SFXvacuum turns on
BobOh, beauty, eh!
Doug(sticks vacuum in his mouth) AAWWWWGGGHHH!!!!
BobWha??! What happen?!
DougIs suck oo my ung!
DougGeh ih awww! Geh ih aww!
BobOh, it's stuck to your tongue!
BobGimme that. (pulls on it)
DougAAAAWWW!! (it comes out) Geez, eh!
BobHurts, don't it?
DougYeah. That's pretty powerful, we should come here to vacuum out our van instead of spending a dollar at the car wash.
BobHow much do you think the dentist will charge?
DougWell, if we're paying like a hundred dollars for our teeth, he probably won't mind if we borrow it for a few minutes for the van.
BobGood idea, eh! We'll ask him when he gets back.
DougSo what other neat things do dentists get to play with? (looks around) Hey!
DougLaughing gas!
BobNo take off! We're gonna get in real big trouble!
DougI don't want to breathe it. I want to use it in the van!
DougIt's nitrous oxide, that's the stuff they use to make cars go real fast!
BobYeah, our van will go real fast with that in it.
DougOh, it will! I just gotta figure out how to get it injected in the engine. (looks around the tank)
Dentist(entering room) Hey! What are you doing?!
Doug(looking up)Bob did it!
BobWha? No, Doug did it!
DentistI told you guys not to touch anything!
DougNo, you told Bob that and he forgot to tell me, so it's his fault.
DentistDoug, get out and wait your turn.
DougGeez, okay, eh! (heads for the door but turns around) Hey, can we borrow your vacuum to clean out our van?
DentistTake off!
DougOkay, okay! (he leaves)
DentistGeez, what a bunch of hosers!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! So take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!