March, 2005 The Hoser Weather: Temperature and precipitation will be normal this month, whatever that means.
Vol. 8, No. 6


by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo this month the topic is barbecues.
DougYeah, even though it's cold and there's still snow on the ground, we're gonna show that you can still cook outdoors. So here's our barbecue, eh!
BobWell, actually it's our neighbour's barbecue.
DougTake off!
BobOh, right. We borrowed it from our neighbour.
DougUh, yeah. So this is a propane barbecue.
DougSo that means it burns propane to create heat to cook the food. Propane is a gas, but it's not the only fuel you can use.
BobYeah, most people have charcoal barbecues. Like our neighbour used to before we used it and...
DougShh!!! He didn't know that was us!
BobOh yeah! Uh, some guys...
DougWho weren't us!
BobSome guys who weren't us stole his barbecue and dumped it in the ditch.
DougYeah, what a bunch of hosers they were.
DougSo anyway, there's not just propane and charcoal, there's also barbecues that can burn wood and ones that'll burn natural gas.
BobAnd don't forget gas gas.
DougGas gas? Oh, you mean gasoline.
DougBeauty. Those are the fastest to get started.
BobNo kidding. So I guess I'm doing the cooking.
DougWha? Why?!?
BobCause you always burn the steaks!
DougShows how much you know about cooking! See, I'm a chef, and cause I'm a chef I know all sorts of special techniques that would take you years to master even if you had the ability to master them!
BobOh yeah? "Techniques" like what?
DougWell, making cajun steaks! That's why they were burnt on the outside.
BobThey were burnt on the inside too, and besides, cajun means you put lots of pepper on it, not that you burn it, you nobk!
DougOh yeah, well you're a big idiot.
BobYou're a bigger idiot! Gimme those! (grabs the tongs from Doug)
BobSo here's how you really cook steaks.
Doug(sarcastically) Here's how you really cook steaks!
BobWhere are the steaks?
DougI've got them in a special marinade. (removes them from below the table)
BobWha? What is that?
BobBeer on the steaks? I can't believe you'd waste beer like that!
DougNo, see I'm a chef, and I know how to make beer-based sauces and stuff!
BobWell if you're a chef then I'm the prime minister!
DougOkay, Mr. Right Honourable Member for the Riding of Stupidity!
BobGeez. Okay, here's the steaks, and we're gonna put them on the grill without poking holes in them, unlike what some people do. (he puts the steaks on the grill using the tongs)
DougWho me?
BobNow, we're gonna leave these for two minutes a side, since that barbecue is really hot.
SFXmore silence
DougYou know on those cooking shows, they usually have like a commercial break or cut the scene or something when they're waiting for the food to cook.
BobYeah, or they have some food already done that they can show in case the oven explodes or something.
DougWe shoulda thought of that earlier.
BobToo late now.
SFXeven more silence
BobHas it been two minutes yet?
DougUh, was I supposed to check the clock?
BobOkay, well it seems like it's been two minutes. Let's flip these over.
BobSo once again, you don't want to break the surface of the meat so don't use a fork or anything.
DougLeave one of those out, so we have something to show instead of waiting another two minutes.
BobHuh? Oh, okay. (sets one steak aside) It's a little rare.
DougYeah, I think I hear it mooing! SNORK!
BobHeh. Put a band-aid on it, and send it back to the field!
BobSo now we gotta wait another minute or two. Count this time.
DougOkay. One. Two. Three.
BobNot out loud!
DougOh, now I lost count.
BobYou were at three.
DougOkay. (keeps counting to himself)
SFXmore silence
BobI don't think we have time to finish these.
DougWhy? Are we out of room?
BobNo, but it's getting close.
DougOkay, well I guess we'll show that one we took off earlier.
BobGood idea. Um. Okay, here's our steak! Look how juicy it is!
DougUh, yeah. You take a bite.
BobNo, you.
DougYou cooked it.
BobUm. We're gonna put these on for a bit longer. Good day, eh!
DougSee? If I had done the steaks they'd be done by now.
BobThey'd be well done by now, Mr. Cajun Chef!
DougGeez. Take off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! So take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!