March, 2005 | Weather: Temperature and precipitation will be normal this month, whatever that means. | |
Vol. 8, No. 6 |
by Bob McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
Bob | So this month the topic is barbecues. |
Doug | Yeah, even though it's cold and there's still snow on the ground, we're gonna show that you can still cook outdoors. So here's our barbecue, eh! |
Bob | Well, actually it's our neighbour's barbecue. |
Doug | Take off! |
Bob | Oh, right. We borrowed it from our neighbour. |
Doug | Uh, yeah. So this is a propane barbecue. |
Bob | So? |
Doug | So that means it burns propane to create heat to cook the food. Propane is a gas, but it's not the only fuel you can use. |
Bob | Yeah, most people have charcoal barbecues. Like our neighbour used to before we used it and... |
Doug | Shh!!! He didn't know that was us! |
Bob | Oh yeah! Uh, some guys... |
Doug | Who weren't us! |
Bob | Some guys who weren't us stole his barbecue and dumped it in the ditch. |
Doug | Yeah, what a bunch of hosers they were. |
Bob | Yeah. |
Doug | So anyway, there's not just propane and charcoal, there's also barbecues that can burn wood and ones that'll burn natural gas. |
Bob | And don't forget gas gas. |
Doug | Gas gas? Oh, you mean gasoline. |
Bob | Yeah. |
Doug | Beauty. Those are the fastest to get started. |
Bob | No kidding. So I guess I'm doing the cooking. |
Doug | Wha? Why?!? |
Bob | Cause you always burn the steaks! |
Doug | Shows how much you know about cooking! See, I'm a chef, and cause I'm a chef I know all sorts of special techniques that would take you years to master even if you had the ability to master them! |
Bob | Oh yeah? "Techniques" like what? |
Doug | Well, making cajun steaks! That's why they were burnt on the outside. |
Bob | They were burnt on the inside too, and besides, cajun means you put lots of pepper on it, not that you burn it, you nobk! |
Doug | Oh yeah, well you're a big idiot. |
Bob | You're a bigger idiot! Gimme those! (grabs the tongs from Doug) |
Doug | Geez! |
Bob | So here's how you really cook steaks. |
Doug | (sarcastically) Here's how you really cook steaks! |
Bob | Where are the steaks? |
Doug | I've got them in a special marinade. (removes them from below the table) |
Bob | Wha? What is that? |
Doug | Beer. |
Bob | Beer on the steaks? I can't believe you'd waste beer like that! |
Doug | No, see I'm a chef, and I know how to make beer-based sauces and stuff! |
Bob | Well if you're a chef then I'm the prime minister! |
Doug | Okay, Mr. Right Honourable Member for the Riding of Stupidity! |
Bob | Geez. Okay, here's the steaks, and we're gonna put them on the grill without poking holes in them, unlike what some people do. (he puts the steaks on the grill using the tongs) |
Doug | Who me? |
Bob | Now, we're gonna leave these for two minutes a side, since that barbecue is really hot. |
Doug | Okay. |
SFX | silence |
Bob | Whew! |
Doug | Yeah. |
SFX | more silence |
Doug | You know on those cooking shows, they usually have like a commercial break or cut the scene or something when they're waiting for the food to cook. |
Bob | Yeah, or they have some food already done that they can show in case the oven explodes or something. |
Doug | We shoulda thought of that earlier. |
Bob | Too late now. |
SFX | even more silence |
Bob | Has it been two minutes yet? |
Doug | Uh, was I supposed to check the clock? |
Bob | Okay, well it seems like it's been two minutes. Let's flip these over. |
Doug | Beauty. |
Bob | So once again, you don't want to break the surface of the meat so don't use a fork or anything. |
Doug | Leave one of those out, so we have something to show instead of waiting another two minutes. |
Bob | Huh? Oh, okay. (sets one steak aside) It's a little rare. |
Doug | Yeah, I think I hear it mooing! SNORK! |
Bob | Heh. Put a band-aid on it, and send it back to the field! |
Doug | Nice. |
Bob | So now we gotta wait another minute or two. Count this time. |
Doug | Okay. One. Two. Three. |
Bob | Not out loud! |
Doug | Oh, now I lost count. |
Bob | You were at three. |
Doug | Okay. (keeps counting to himself) |
SFX | more silence |
Bob | I don't think we have time to finish these. |
Doug | Why? Are we out of room? |
Bob | No, but it's getting close. |
Doug | Okay, well I guess we'll show that one we took off earlier. |
Bob | Good idea. Um. Okay, here's our steak! Look how juicy it is! |
Doug | Uh, yeah. You take a bite. |
Bob | No, you. |
Doug | You cooked it. |
Bob | Um. We're gonna put these on for a bit longer. Good day, eh! |
Doug | See? If I had done the steaks they'd be done by now. |
Bob | They'd be well done by now, Mr. Cajun Chef! |
Doug | Geez. Take off! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! So take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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