The Hoser

September, 2005		Weather: Since it starts to cool down this month, you might want to think about switching to a heavier beer.
Vol. 8, No. 12

Alternative Fuels

by Doug McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	Good day, and welcome to our lab, eh!
Bob	Yeah, otherwise known as our dad's garage.
Doug	Take off, don't tell them that.
Bob	Well otherwise they'd notice the car sitting... oh wait, this is a transcript, they can't see what we're doing anyway.
Doug	Yeah, we should take photos or something.
Bob	Beauty. So anyway, this is our lab, where we develop all sorts of nifty new inventions to save mankind.
Doug	Yeah. And look over... well, you can't see it. Pretend you're looking at our garage.
Bob	No wait!
Doug	I mean lab! Pretend you're looking at our lab.
Bob	Ignore the rusty car.
Doug	Yeah. Like here we are in our lab coats and tuques, working on equations and chemicals and stuff.
Bob	The tuques are in case we get do some cryogenic experiments.
Doug	Cryogenic?
Bob	Yeah, like with frozen nitrogen and stuff.
Doug	Where are we getting frozen nitrogen from?
Bob	Well, the deep freeze is there next to the beer fridge.
Doug	Oh yeah. Beauty, I didn't notice it, eh!
Bob	Yeah, usually cause the beer fridge door is open.
Doug	Okay, and over on the right side...
Bob	Left.
Doug	Wha?
Bob	It's on our right, but if the readers could actually see us they'd see it on the left.
Doug	Oh. Right.
Bob	No, left.
Doug	Take off! Okay. Um. So over on the left side of the garage... uh, lab, is our chalkboard.
Bob	We got it when the high school switched to dry erase markers.
Doug	Yeah. Every lab needs a chalkboard. So anyway, I'm Professor Doug, and this is my assistant, Bob.
Bob	Hold on, hold on! Why do I gotta be the assistant?!
Doug	Cause I'm older, and therefore would have had a Ph.D. before you did.
Bob	Yeah, cause it's likely we coulda both had Ph.Ds by now.
Doug	Remember kids, stay in school, cause if you can get smart enough to become a university professor, you can trick your students into buying your beer and stuff.
Bob	Beauty. So let's show our readers our inventions.
Doug	Okay. Since gas is so expensive we've been looking for alternative fuel sources. So look over on our chalkboard here. (he walks over to it and flips it over) Okay. Here's gasoline, right? And like right now it's $1.30 per litre. But now look at the price of beer: you can get a case for $26.40 but each bottle has a 10¢ deposit on it right so it costs $24 for a case and since a case has 24 beers in it that means each beer costs $1 and since each one is 341 millilitres you work it out on the calculator and... whew, that was a lot to say, now I'm tired out. You finish.
Bob	Hoser. (takes a nearby calculator) Uh. Wow. $2.93 per litre for beer.
Doug	Yeah, that's more expensive than gas so we think that alcohol-based fuels like ethanol aren't the way to go. And remember, we're experts on alcohol-based fuels.
Bob	Yeah, everyone says so. So what other fuel sources are there?
Doug	Uh. Diesel. Biodiesel!
Bob	Yeah, beauty. You can take cooking oil and stuff and add weird chemicals and make fuel that works just like diesel!
Doug	Too bad no one told us if you put it in a gasoline engine weird smoke comes out.
Bob	Yeah, it's gonna be a while before we can get the van back on the road.
Doug	And since no one drives diesel cars except people who work at Volkswagen dealerships, we can scratch that idea too.
Bob	So what else is there?
Doug	Hydrogen, of course. It's the most common chemical in the universe so there's lots of it.
Bob	But it explodes.
Doug	Yeah, but so does gas. Speaking of which, remember those beans we had for dinner?
Bob	Uh, yeah?
SFX	Farting noises
Bob	Aw! You farted!
Doug	SNORK! Hey, wait a minute!
Bob	Yeah! Wait a day or two before we can get back in the garage... I mean our lab! (he gets up to leave, and pulls his undershirt over his nose)
Doug	No wait, come back! I just got an idea!
Bob	I got an idea, too. I'm gonna install a fume hood in this place, and make you live under it!
Doug	Well then I'd just gas our neighbours instead. But I got a better idea.
Bob	Geez. (emerges from behind his shirt) What's that?
Doug	Well farts are flammable, right?
Bob	Yeah, we proved that when we were like 14 years old.
Doug	So, what if everyone just ate lots of beans and other gassy foods and farted in their gas tanks?
Bob	Wha? Oh yeah! That's a beauty idea!
Doug	Just like all my other ideas.
Bob	Yeah, right. So now we've solved the world's energy crisis, and just in time cause we're out of space.
Doug	Okay. Good day, and join us next time to see how our new inventions will change the world and bring the future to you, or something.
Bob	Yeah. Or something.
SFX	More farts
Bob	GEEZ! Take off, eh!

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out next month, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!

	CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

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