September, 2005 The Hoser Weather: Since it starts to cool down this month, you might want to think about switching to a heavier beer.
Vol. 8, No. 12

Alternative Fuels

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougGood day, and welcome to our lab, eh!
BobYeah, otherwise known as our dad's garage.
DougTake off, don't tell them that.
BobWell otherwise they'd notice the car sitting... oh wait, this is a transcript, they can't see what we're doing anyway.
DougYeah, we should take photos or something.
BobBeauty. So anyway, this is our lab, where we develop all sorts of nifty new inventions to save mankind.
DougYeah. And look over... well, you can't see it. Pretend you're looking at our garage.
BobNo wait!
DougI mean lab! Pretend you're looking at our lab.
BobIgnore the rusty car.
DougYeah. Like here we are in our lab coats and tuques, working on equations and chemicals and stuff.
BobThe tuques are in case we get do some cryogenic experiments.
BobYeah, like with frozen nitrogen and stuff.
DougWhere are we getting frozen nitrogen from?
BobWell, the deep freeze is there next to the beer fridge.
DougOh yeah. Beauty, I didn't notice it, eh!
BobYeah, usually cause the beer fridge door is open.
DougOkay, and over on the right side...
BobIt's on our right, but if the readers could actually see us they'd see it on the left.
DougOh. Right.
BobNo, left.
DougTake off! Okay. Um. So over on the left side of the garage... uh, lab, is our chalkboard.
BobWe got it when the high school switched to dry erase markers.
DougYeah. Every lab needs a chalkboard. So anyway, I'm Professor Doug, and this is my assistant, Bob.
BobHold on, hold on! Why do I gotta be the assistant?!
DougCause I'm older, and therefore would have had a Ph.D. before you did.
BobYeah, cause it's likely we coulda both had Ph.Ds by now.
DougRemember kids, stay in school, cause if you can get smart enough to become a university professor, you can trick your students into buying your beer and stuff.
BobBeauty. So let's show our readers our inventions.
DougOkay. Since gas is so expensive we've been looking for alternative fuel sources. So look over on our chalkboard here. (he walks over to it and flips it over) Okay. Here's gasoline, right? And like right now it's $1.30 per litre. But now look at the price of beer: you can get a case for $26.40 but each bottle has a 10 deposit on it right so it costs $24 for a case and since a case has 24 beers in it that means each beer costs $1 and since each one is 341 millilitres you work it out on the calculator and... whew, that was a lot to say, now I'm tired out. You finish.
BobHoser. (takes a nearby calculator) Uh. Wow. $2.93 per litre for beer.
DougYeah, that's more expensive than gas so we think that alcohol-based fuels like ethanol aren't the way to go. And remember, we're experts on alcohol-based fuels.
BobYeah, everyone says so. So what other fuel sources are there?
DougUh. Diesel. Biodiesel!
BobYeah, beauty. You can take cooking oil and stuff and add weird chemicals and make fuel that works just like diesel!
DougToo bad no one told us if you put it in a gasoline engine weird smoke comes out.
BobYeah, it's gonna be a while before we can get the van back on the road.
DougAnd since no one drives diesel cars except people who work at Volkswagen dealerships, we can scratch that idea too.
BobSo what else is there?
DougHydrogen, of course. It's the most common chemical in the universe so there's lots of it.
BobBut it explodes.
DougYeah, but so does gas. Speaking of which, remember those beans we had for dinner?
BobUh, yeah?
SFXFarting noises
BobAw! You farted!
DougSNORK! Hey, wait a minute!
BobYeah! Wait a day or two before we can get back in the garage... I mean our lab! (he gets up to leave, and pulls his undershirt over his nose)
DougNo wait, come back! I just got an idea!
BobI got an idea, too. I'm gonna install a fume hood in this place, and make you live under it!
DougWell then I'd just gas our neighbours instead. But I got a better idea.
BobGeez. (emerges from behind his shirt) What's that?
DougWell farts are flammable, right?
BobYeah, we proved that when we were like 14 years old.
DougSo, what if everyone just ate lots of beans and other gassy foods and farted in their gas tanks?
BobWha? Oh yeah! That's a beauty idea!
DougJust like all my other ideas.
BobYeah, right. So now we've solved the world's energy crisis, and just in time cause we're out of space.
DougOkay. Good day, and join us next time to see how our new inventions will change the world and bring the future to you, or something.
BobYeah. Or something.
SFXMore farts
BobGEEZ! Take off, eh!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out next month, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!