| July, 2005 |  |
Weather: Hurricane season is starting which in Canada means there's gonna be more rain so don't leave your empties outside cause the cardboard box they're in will get wet and fall apart and the bottles will get filled with water making you think there's beer inside them until you take a swig and realize it's just rainwater and sand and stuff and spit it back out again. |
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| Vol. 8, No. 10 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor 
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 
| Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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| Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
| Bob | Okay, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like the Knights of the Round Table. |
| Doug | I bet you're not. |
| Bob | Huh? Oh yeah, our readers can't see us. |
| Doug | Moron. |
| Bob | Take off. Okay, since you can't see us, I'll describe what we're looking like. Doug here is wearing a big metal helmet, and (looks over)... what the?! |
| Doug | (putting a tuque on his head, over the helmet) What? |
| Bob | Why are you putting a tuque on? |
| Doug | I always wear a tuque! |
| Bob | Okay. Um. Dumb thing number one: you're wearing armor! |
| Doug | So? |
| Bob | Dumb thing number two: it's July! You don't need a tuque! |
| Doug | The metal helmet's cold. |
| Bob | Hoser. So he's wearing a helmet and full suit of armor... |
| Doug | It's pretty heavy, eh? |
| Bob | Geez. Stop interrupting. |
| Doug | Sorry, eh! |
| Bob | Anyway, and I'm wearing chain mail all over my body. |
| Doug | Yeah. Until this morning hosehead here thought "chain mail" was the stuff you'd get in the mail from someone you don't know saying "copy this letter and send it to six people you don't like, or like bad things will happen to you." |
| Bob | Aw! I did not! |
| Doug | Did too. |
| Bob | Take off. So uh, I guess now that you know what we look like, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like this. |
| Doug | Why yes, Bob, I am. |
| Bob | You hoser, I was talking to our readers. |
| Doug | I'm a reader. I enjoy hours and hours of entertainment reading the Hoser every month. |
| Bob | You mean you enjoy having it read to you. |
| Doug | Yeah. I mean, no! Take off! |
| Bob | So yeah, to answer your question... |
| Doug | What question? |
| Bob | Our readers' question. |
| Doug | What was that? I didn't hear anything. |
| Bob | No, I mean they're probably wondering why we're dressed like this, and if they are then I'm gonna tell them. |
| Doug | Oh right. |
| Bob | So we're... |
| Doug | What if they're not? |
| Bob | GEEZ! What do you mean?! |
| Doug | What if our readers don't care why we're dressed like medieval knights? |
| Bob | Cause we usually don't dress this way! (smacks Doug on the back of the helmet, causing the face shield to come down over his face) |
| SFX | CLANG! |
| Doug | Geez, who turned out the lights!? |
| Bob | Oh nice, beauty eh! |
| Doug | (doing the Darth Vader voice) GGRRRRRRKKKKK!!!! Luke! Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father! GGRRRKKK!!! |
| Bob | Huh? Oh, uh. (impersonating Luke Skywalker) He told me enough, he told me you killed him! |
| Doug | No, Luke. This... is CNN!!!!! |
| Both | SNORK! |
| Doug | (lifting helmet) You see how I did that, the guy who did Darth Vader's voice was also the guy who did that line on CNN. |
| Bob | Yeah, okay. Way to explain the joke for the two guys who didn't get it. |
| Doug | Beauty, eh! |
| Bob | Yeah, so what was I talking about? |
| Doug | You were trying to explain what we're doing in armor, but you kept stuttering and pausing and stuff and it was getting really annoying and I'm sure most of our readers have gone on to read other web pages by this point so I'm just gonna say what the reason is: we're here at the medieval fair, and they're paying us to wear these costumes and walk around in them. |
| Bob | Yeah, so we're making slightly more than minimum wage, which is better than our last job. |
| Doug | What? Washing Johnny Larue's car? |
| Bob | Well that doesn't count cause he never pays us. |
| Doug | Oh right. |
| Bob | So now explain what medieval means, since you're such a genius. |
| Doug | Okay, I'm glad you're finally acknowledging that fact. Medieval comes from the ancient Greek word "medi," meaning middle, and "eval," from the Latin word for evil. |
| Bob | So it means "middle evil?" |
| Doug | Yeah, cause you've read the stories, the good guy's castle is always surrounded by the bad guys. They're in the "middle of the evil," if you will. |
| Bob | That was the dumbest explanation I've ever heard. |
| Doug | Oh yeah? How do you know it's wrong? |
| Bob | Well I don't, but since you're usually wrong about these sorts of things I'm gonna guess that it's true. |
| Doug | Geez. Take off you hoser! |
by Bob and Doug McKenzie
Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out in September, so take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!
![[CCIC]](../ccic.png) | CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
Copyright ©1997-2005 Chris "Bob" Odorjan