July, 2005 The Hoser Weather: Hurricane season is starting which in Canada means there's gonna be more rain so don't leave your empties outside cause the cardboard box they're in will get wet and fall apart and the bottles will get filled with water making you think there's beer inside them until you take a swig and realize it's just rainwater and sand and stuff and spit it back out again.
Vol. 8, No. 10

Medieval Times

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like the Knights of the Round Table.
DougI bet you're not.
BobHuh? Oh yeah, our readers can't see us.
BobTake off. Okay, since you can't see us, I'll describe what we're looking like. Doug here is wearing a big metal helmet, and (looks over)... what the?!
Doug(putting a tuque on his head, over the helmet) What?
BobWhy are you putting a tuque on?
DougI always wear a tuque!
BobOkay. Um. Dumb thing number one: you're wearing armor!
BobDumb thing number two: it's July! You don't need a tuque!
DougThe metal helmet's cold.
BobHoser. So he's wearing a helmet and full suit of armor...
DougIt's pretty heavy, eh?
BobGeez. Stop interrupting.
DougSorry, eh!
BobAnyway, and I'm wearing chain mail all over my body.
DougYeah. Until this morning hosehead here thought "chain mail" was the stuff you'd get in the mail from someone you don't know saying "copy this letter and send it to six people you don't like, or like bad things will happen to you."
BobAw! I did not!
DougDid too.
BobTake off. So uh, I guess now that you know what we look like, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like this.
DougWhy yes, Bob, I am.
BobYou hoser, I was talking to our readers.
DougI'm a reader. I enjoy hours and hours of entertainment reading the Hoser every month.
BobYou mean you enjoy having it read to you.
DougYeah. I mean, no! Take off!
BobSo yeah, to answer your question...
DougWhat question?
BobOur readers' question.
DougWhat was that? I didn't hear anything.
BobNo, I mean they're probably wondering why we're dressed like this, and if they are then I'm gonna tell them.
DougOh right.
BobSo we're...
DougWhat if they're not?
BobGEEZ! What do you mean?!
DougWhat if our readers don't care why we're dressed like medieval knights?
BobCause we usually don't dress this way! (smacks Doug on the back of the helmet, causing the face shield to come down over his face)
DougGeez, who turned out the lights!?
BobOh nice, beauty eh!
Doug(doing the Darth Vader voice) GGRRRRRRKKKKK!!!! Luke! Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father! GGRRRKKK!!!
BobHuh? Oh, uh. (impersonating Luke Skywalker) He told me enough, he told me you killed him!
DougNo, Luke. This... is CNN!!!!!
Doug(lifting helmet) You see how I did that, the guy who did Darth Vader's voice was also the guy who did that line on CNN.
BobYeah, okay. Way to explain the joke for the two guys who didn't get it.
DougBeauty, eh!
BobYeah, so what was I talking about?
DougYou were trying to explain what we're doing in armor, but you kept stuttering and pausing and stuff and it was getting really annoying and I'm sure most of our readers have gone on to read other web pages by this point so I'm just gonna say what the reason is: we're here at the medieval fair, and they're paying us to wear these costumes and walk around in them.
BobYeah, so we're making slightly more than minimum wage, which is better than our last job.
DougWhat? Washing Johnny Larue's car?
BobWell that doesn't count cause he never pays us.
DougOh right.
BobSo now explain what medieval means, since you're such a genius.
DougOkay, I'm glad you're finally acknowledging that fact. Medieval comes from the ancient Greek word "medi," meaning middle, and "eval," from the Latin word for evil.
BobSo it means "middle evil?"
DougYeah, cause you've read the stories, the good guy's castle is always surrounded by the bad guys. They're in the "middle of the evil," if you will.
BobThat was the dumbest explanation I've ever heard.
DougOh yeah? How do you know it's wrong?
BobWell I don't, but since you're usually wrong about these sorts of things I'm gonna guess that it's true.
DougGeez. Take off you hoser!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out in September, so take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!