May, 2004 The Hoser Weather: Partially sunny with a chance of rain. And maybe some wind. Or not. We just make this up, eh?
Vol. 7, No. 8

Fake IDs

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo like this month the topic is fake IDs, and like why you'd want one. Now go.
DougOkay, so like we're making fake ID cards with our computer, right? Like we made fake fishing licenses for ourselves and it fooled those Ministry of Natural Resources guys.
BobYeah, that was a beauty. Next year I'm gonna make some extra ones and take them with us when we go ice fishing.
DougWhy extra ones?
BobYou know, so like the Ministry guys show up and say "can we see your fishing licenses" so like we show them ours and then like the one for someone like "Elron" McKenzie. See, here's the one I made for him (picks card off of table and shows it).
DougBut Elron won't be there.
BobWell, we'll just tell them that he went to take a leak, or get some more beer, or get his snowmobile out of the lake or something. And then we get to take more fish home, since we get the limit for him, too!
DougOh beauty idea, eh!
DougOkay, I've got an idea. We should make fake IDs for teenagers who wanna buy beer, so they don't do like you did when you were a kid.
BobNo, take off! Don't tell them about that!
DougOh, I'm gonna. Okay, so hoser over here decides to get some beer but he's only 18 right so he goes down to the Beer Store back when it was still called "Brewer's Retail" right?
DougSo like this was a long time ago but back then they only had two prices for beer like domestic and import and the sign on the wall just said "Domestic $12.99, Import $14.99" or whatever the prices were right? And then hoser here's in the store and when he gets to the front of the line and the guy behind the counter asks him what he wants, he says "I'd like twenty-four domestics, eh!" and then he got kicked out.
BobYou hoser.
DougWhew! That was a long sentence, eh!
BobYou need to learn what the period and comma are for. Why'd ya have to tell them that story?
DougCause it makes sense, since we're talking about fake IDs and if you had one it could have prevented you from getting booted out of the store!
BobNo it wouldn't! I woulda still said "twenty-four domestics" and then they guy behind the counter still woulda said "you're too young to buy beer" and woulda kicked me out.
DougThe way I heard it, he said "you're too dumb to buy beer".
BobYou hoser.
DougYou're the hoser!
BobNo, it's you!
DougYeah? Well at least I never tried to buy beer like that!
BobGeez! So anyway, you kids out there, get our fake IDs!
DougNo, take off! Don't advertise them! That would be illegal!
BobHuh? Oh yeah. Hey, maybe we shouldn't have told anyone about the fake fishing licenses, either.
DougWhy not?
BobThe cops might be reading this! Or even the Ministry guys!
DougUh oh. Good point. So um, I'm not Doug. I'm... Elron McKenzie. See, here's my driver's license (picks up license off table and shows it). So, uh, if you're gonna arrest someone, go get Elron McKenzie, not Doug McKenzie.
BobAnd uh, I'm (picks another license off the table and reads it) Doug McKenzie. No, wait.
DougNo, take off! Get another name!
BobForget it, we're out of space! Good day!
DougGood day, eh! And don't arrest me. Just him (points to Bob).
BobTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is gonna be out on DVD in June, eh! So like plan to get it and watch classic Great White North moments such as "The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations", "Traveling and Salaries", "Making Doug Go" (take off, eh! - Doug), "Parking at Donut Places", "Backbacon and Snow Chains", "Stuff that Bugs Us", "Calculators", our show with Ian Thomas, and our National Anthem. Check out the article and the review, eh!