April, 2004 The Hoser Weather: This month it's gonna rain a lot so like keep your boots on cause there's gonna be lots of mud and you never know when you might step in it and get a mud soaker.
Vol. 7, No. 7

The Great Outdoors

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobWelcome to the great outdoors, eh!
DougNo, take off! The Great White North!
BobNo, you take off! That was our old show!
DougOh yeah! Welcome to the great outdoors!
BobSo I bet you're wondering what we're doing outside, eh?
BobNot you. I was talking to the audience.
DougOh, sorry eh!
BobSo anyway, we're out here cause the old man kicked us out...
BobYeah, he kicked us out of the house again, so we were gonna live in the van right but hosehead here spent all our gas money on beer, eh!
DougOkay, but to be fair, you drank over half those beers.
BobBefore I knew they were paid for with our gas money!
DougYou hoser.
BobTake off.
DougOkay, so look around, eh? Oh, I forgot you can't see us.
DougUm. There's like lots of trees around here, and a creek running down there, and like a farmer's field over there.
BobYeah, beauty eh? We got shelter and water and food.
DougNo, take off. You can't drink the water from the creek cause it'll be full of bacteria, eh!
BobIs bacteria-eh the plural of bacteria?
DougUm. We could kill it with alcohol, eh!
BobYeah. Hey, what grows in this field?
DougUm. Corn or something. Can you make beer from corn?
BobI think so. That's a good idea though. We could boil the corn in the water from the creek, then mash the corn down and make alcohol from it, then use that to purify the water from the creek so we could drink it!
DougUm. Question for Bob: why don't we just boil the water in the first place?
BobCause then you don't get beer to go with it.
DougGood point. So we got food and water and beer. Oh yeah, and a house!
BobShow them our new house!
DougWell, I can't show it to them.
BobOkay, okay. Describe our new house.
Doug'Kay. Remember last month when we took the wheels off the van and made it into an ice-fishing hut?
DougI was talking to the readers, eh?
BobOh, sorry!
DougNow who's the hoser? We pulled the van out of the lake and dried it out again and everything, so then we ran out of gas just outside of these woods so we pushed it here...
BobNo way, eh! I pushed it here.
DougWell, someone had to steer. So anyway, we got the van here in the woods now and took the wheels off again and now it's our house, eh!
BobYeah, it's got a couple chairs and a radio. What more could you want?
DougAnd we put carpet along the inside, so we don't have to sleep on rusty metal.
BobYeah. Too bad it got all wet when it fell in the lake and smells bad now.
DougIt smells better than your boots.
BobYeah, well maybe my feet stink but at least I don't have B.O. and you do.
DougAt least I can jump in the creek and wash it off. Your feet smell so bad that when you put them in the creek the stream of water divides in two and flows around your feet!
BobYeah? Well when you jump in the creek your body odour causes all the fish to float to the top which would be good ordinarily since then we could eat them eh but it's so poisonous the fish rot immediately on contact with the air!
DougOh yeah? Well your feet are so smelly that you could stick them in the water where the Exxon Valdez spilled oil and it would make a worse environmental disaster!
BobOh yeah? Well you're a hoser!
DougNo, you're a hoser!
BobGeez. Now I think we're out of space. So uh, that's the topic for this month, good day, eh!
DougGood day. Geez, it's getting cold. Turn up the heat, eh?
BobI can't. We're out of gas, remember?
DougOh yeah.
BobToo bad we're stuck out here in the woods with nothing to burn.
DougUm. What about the trees?
BobDon't be a nobk. You can't put trees in the gas tank.
DougNo, I want to start a fire.
BobI'm not setting the van on fire!
DougYou really are a hoser.
BobTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is gonna be out on DVD in June, eh! So like plan to get it and watch classic Great White North moments such as "The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations", "Traveling and Salaries", "Making Doug Go" (take off, eh! - Doug), "Parking at Donut Places", "Backbacon and Snow Chains", "Stuff that Bugs Us", "Calculators", our show with Ian Thomas, and our National Anthem. Check out the article and the review, eh!