December, 2003 The Hoser Weather: The roads can get pretty icy this time of year, so if your van is old like ours and doesn't have anti-lock brakes, make sure you carry an extra key and some lock de-icer to unlock them.
Vol. 7, No. 3

Christmas Shopping With Bob and Doug

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, welcome to The Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, this month we're doing the show from the mall, since it's Christmastime and that means we're gonna do some Christmas shopping.
DougOr should we say: Christmas shoplifting!?
BobTake off! The mall cops might hear ya!
DougOh yeah, like they could do anything.
BobHeh, good point, eh?
DougSo anyway, since you can't see us, we're here in the parking lot and it's real cold right but that's okay since the entrance to the mall is right here and in the winter they've always got the fans blowing and lots and lots of heat pouring out, eh! (opens door)
DougGEEZ, IT'S HOT IN HERE, EH! (takes off earmuffs and tuque and puts them in his pocket)
DougI SAID... GEEZ! (opens inner door) It's real hot in there, eh!
BobYeah, I could tell from how you took your tuque off.
DougAnyway, there's lots of people here. There's the Salvation Army guy.
BobI'm not givin' him any money!
DougWhy not?
BobLast year I put some in there and he got mad at me! You think they'd appreciate Canadian Tire money more.
BobSo here's the mall directory, let's see what stores are here.
DougYou can tell we only come here once a year.
BobHey, "we are here".
DougHow'd they know that?
BobKnow what?
DougThat we are here.
BobYou're a moron.
DougWhat d'ya mean?
DougHey, what's with all the women's clothing stores, eh? There's like, two dozen of them and no men's clothing stores.
BobThere's one. (points at a store)
DougNo, take off. That store sells fancy sweaters and designer pants and stuff. I'm talkin' about places where we can get flannel shirts and long underwear.
BobThe farm supply store?
DougYeah, they should have a farm supply store in the mall.
BobBeauty idea, eh! Do we have everything on the list, yet?
DougHuh? No, we just got here!
BobAw, geez. I'm gettin' tired!
DougYou always get tired. (walks into store selling games and pool tables) Hey, we should get dad a pool table!
BobWOW! Look at the price! Only $99.99!
DougYeah, beaut... oh wait, there's no decimal point in there.
BobTen thousand dollars for a pool table?!?! We could make our own!
DougGood idea, we'll take apart the bookshelf we were gonna make him last year and the desk we made a few years ago and use the wood for a pool table. (leave gaming store)
BobBeauty. What about the felt surface?
DougUm. Flannel shirts from the farm supply store!
BobOkay, sounds like we got our shopping done for dad. What about mom?
Doug(entering kitchen appliance store) Hey, we could get her a new set of pots and pans!
BobWhat for? She never cooks for us anymore anyway!
DougYeah, but now she uses them to hit us over the head with.
BobTake off! She does not.
DougYeah, okay. But I wear my tuque indoors, just in case.
Bob(picking up frying pan) You're not wearing a tuque now!
DougYeah, so? (gets hit on the head)
DougAW! GEEZ! What was that for?!?
BobAw, c'mon, that didn't hurt!
DougIt did too. Gimme that frying pan.
BobNo, take off!
Store SalesmanCan I help you?
DougYeah, hold him down so I can hit him with the frying pan!
BobNo, hold my hoseheaded brother down so he can't hit me!
Store SalesmanUm. If you're not going to buy anything I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
BobHe should leave, I'm being assaulted!
DougYou hit me first!
Store SalesmanAarrgghh. (leaves)
DougWhere's he goin'?
BobHey! He's on the phone!
DougGeez, he's callin' the mall cops! Take off! I won't let my hoseheaded brother do it again!
BobLet's get outta here! (runs out of store)
DougWait for me! (runs after Bob)
Bob(stopping at the other end of the mall) Whew! Geez.
Doug(running up) Wait up, you hoser!
BobRun faster, you nobk!
DougOkay. I think we got away from them. Hey, what's this store?
BobIt's a liquor store!
DougDo they sell beer?
BobI think so! (goes in)
DougBeauty, look! (holds up 12-pack of beer)
BobOne stop shopping, eh! (picks up several more cases)
DougOkay, looks like we're done all our Christmas shopping for this year. Hey, don't look you hoser!
BobWhat, you got my gift in there?
BobOh, okay. But I'm gonna get something for you, so don't look at the stuff I'm carrying either.
DougBeauty. (two cops enter store) Hey, don't we know those guys?
Officer KoharskiYOU AGAIN?!
BobHey, you aren't mall cops!
Officer MitchellNo, we got a call from mall security that there was a fight going on here. Do you know anything about it?
DougHe hit me first.
BobWha? Take off! We haven't heard or seen anything, officer!
Koharski(holds up pan) Does this look familiar to you?
DougYeah, that's the frying pan he hit me with, officer.
BobYou are a moron.
MitchellI think you'd better come with us. Put down those cases of beer.
BobAw, geez. (puts down cases)
DougHey, can I turn on the siren this time?
KoharskiNo. (leads Doug outside to the police car)
BobCan I?
Bob(being led outside) You're no fun.
Koharski(returning from cruiser) Looks like Bob and Doug will be getting bail money from their parents this Christmas.
MitchellSounds like they're going to be out of commission for a while, so I guess it's our job to say "good day" again this month.
KoharskiGood day, eh! And Merry Christmas.
MitchellMerry Christmas, and Happy New Year, too.
KoharskiThat's the next issue.
MitchellOh yeah, I forgot. Good day, eh!