The Hoser

November, 2003		Weather: Since it's less than ten weeks 'til Christmas, turn your outdoor Christmas lights on just to annoy your neighbours.
Vol. 7, No. 2

Boots

by Bob McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Okay, good day, welcome to The Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	This month the topic is boots.
Doug	Yeah, since we melted ours, eh!
Bob	Don't ask how.
Doug	We already told them, remember? Two months ago, we talked about the forest fire we almost started.
Bob	Oh yeah. To all cops reading this, that explosion wasn't us, eh!
Doug	Take off, I think they've forgotten about it!
Bob	Yeah, good point. Um, so our topic this month is boots.
Doug	And just to clarify, we're not talking about bootlegging, either!
Bob	Geez! Don't tell the cops we're doing that too, eh?
Doug	You just told them, you nobk!
Bob	Oh geez, sorry! To all cops reading this, we're not the guys makin' beer in our basement and selling it!
Doug	That was two other guys who looked like us.
Bob	Yeah, I think they're trying to frame us by using our names, so if you hear about Bob and Doug selling beer, then like it's not us, it's someone else.
Doug	Beauty.
Bob	And also, that wasn't us sneaking into the movie theatre with a video camera.
Doug	I think it was the same two guys who was framin' us for the beer!
Bob	Yeah. Someone who is not us is selling the movies on the Internet, too.
Doug	We should find those two guys!
Bob	Hey, good idea! That way the cops will know it's not us!
Doug	Yeah, it worked for O.J. Simpson.
Bob	Beauty.
Doug	Yeah, so back to our original topic, we melted our boots putting out the fire, right?
Bob	Like Doug's were still soft when we drove home and got stuck to the pedals in the van, right, so like now you have to take your shoes off and put on his boots to drive the thing!
Doug	That's okay, they're my boots.
Bob	But they smell bad!
Doug	Yeah, that's cause they caught fire!
Bob	I don't mean the smell of burnt rubber, I mean the stench from your feet!
Doug	Take off, eh!
Bob	So anyway, I'm gonna get me a crowbar or something and pry them off the pedals so we can drive the van again. And then I'm gonna use the crowbar on my hoseheaded brother's head.
Doug	Hoser.
Bob	You're a hoser.
Doug	Well at least I'm not ignorant and you are.
Bob	Geez.
Doug	So anyway, it's November, we live in the Great White North, it's gonna snow and we have no boots. What're we gonna do?
Bob	Um. We can steal them from those two guys who are pretending to be us!
Doug	No, take off! We gotta get them from real people.
Bob	Okay, let's hock something and use the cash to buy a couple good pairs of boots.
Doug	How 'bout the video camera?
Bob	Naw, we need that for the bootlegs.
Doug	Yeah, the bootlegs that we are not doing.
Bob	Yeah.
Doug	Hey, why don't we take our empties back? There's more than enough money there.
Bob	Naw, we need them to put our own beer in.
Doug	The beer that we are not selling to people.
Bob	Yeah.
Doug	Let's just use dad's beer money. He's gonna kick us outa the house before the end of the month anyway.
Bob	Okay, beauty idea, eh! Let's go find the shoe store and get some new boots.
Doug	Hey, let's go see a movie when we're done!
Bob	Yeah, that new Matrix movie is out, eh!
Doug	Okay, don't forget the video camera.
Bob	The one those two guys planted on us to make it look like we were going to videotape the Matrix and sell the copies on the Internet?
Doug	Yeah, that's the one!
Bob	Okay, just making sure. Let's go!
Doug	Good day, everyone!
Bob	Good day, eh?!

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