September, 2004 The Hoser Weather: The weather at the end of this month will be different from the weather at the beginning of this month.
Vol. 7, No. 12

Cooking With Bob and Doug McKenzie

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Chef Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougI'm a chef too, eh!
BobOh yeah.
DougAnd welcome to our cooking show, eh!
BobYeah, this is our new show, where we're gonna show you how to cook up tasty treats for your whole family to enjoy.
BobThanks. So what are we cooking today, Chef Doug?
DougToday we're gonna make macaroni and cheese, known in Canada as Kraft Dinner.
BobTake off! That comes in a box, so it's not real cooking!
DougIt is too! You have to boil the macaroni first!
DougSo we're all gonna learn how to boil water, right? Here's the Coleman, it's all warmed up but there's no back bacon on it.
BobIt's a little greasy. We should have cleaned it off, eh?
DougIt adds flavour.
BobTo boiled water?
DougUh. Yeah. Anyway, instead of makin' back bacon, we're gonna use the Coleman to heat up this. (lifts pot of water and puts it on the stove)
BobGet out. I'm gonna make real food.
DougOh yeah? What do you know how to make?
BobUh. Toast.
BobYeah, toast.
DougToast is even easier to make than Kraft Dinner!
BobYeah, well at least it requires some skill to prevent it from burning, unlike water which even an idiot like you can make.
BobSee, you get out the loaf of bread and remove... (takes a couple of pieces out and puts them on the stove)
DougYou should show everyone how you made that loaf.
BobWha? I bought it.
DougSo! You really don't know how to cook!
BobYeah, I'm makin' toast! If we go by your rules, you should make the macaroni, too!
DougOkay, maybe I will.
BobHow do you make bread?
DougUh. Flour and water. How do you make macaroni?
BobFlour and water. Oh wait.
BobYeah. That's amazing. (the bread on the stove begins to smoke)
DougYou know what's really amazing?
BobWhat's that?
DougYou take bread and crackers, which are pretty much made out of the same stuff right?
BobSame as the macaroni.
DougNo, no. Leave out the macaroni. You take bread and crackers. And like even though they're made out of the same stuff the bread is soft but the crackers are crunchy. So then like leave them out overnight...
BobSo you're the one who left the bread out last night!
DougWha? No, it wasn't me, eh!
BobYeah, cause it wasn't me and there's no one else here.
DougMaybe it was one of your boogers who decided to come out of your nose to get a midnight snack.
DougSo anyway, bread: soft. Crackers: hard. Leave them out overnight, and the bread gets hard, and the crackers get stale and soft.
BobWow. That is amazing.
DougThe miracle of cooking. (the bread on the stove bursts into flames)
DougFire! Look out!
BobI can't believe it! You burned water!
DougNo, take off, it was your toast! (the flames get higher)
BobOh yeah. I forgot about it. Put the water on the fire.
DougOkay. (Takes pot of water and pours it over the toast. The flaming pieces of toast float off the table as the grease on the stove catches fire.)
BobHoly smoke!
DougHoly smoke? What, are you a priest now? SNORK!
BobThis is no time to make jokes, we got a grease fire goin' on here!
DougDidn't you say something about needing skill to prevent the toast from burning?
BobYeah, well you're still an idiot for setting the whole table on fire with boiling water!
DougNo, that was our demonstration of what not to do while cooking! (the flames get even higher)
BobWha? (gets elbowed by Doug) OW! I mean... yeah, that's your first lesson. We did this on purpose cause we're trained professionals.
DougYeah. Just remember that grease floats on water, and that it also burns. So use your brother's shirt to put it out.
DougC'mere! I need something to cover the flames! (grabs Bob)
BobGet out! I guess that's the show... let go! Use your own shirt!
DougNo way!
BobThat's the show for today. Good day.
DougGood day, eh! (rips Bob's shirt off and puts out the fire with it)
BobTake off!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, came out on DVD in June, eh! So like if you have it then watch classic Great White North moments such as "The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations", "Traveling and Salaries", "Making Doug Go" (take off, eh! - Doug), "Parking at Donut Places", "Backbacon and Snow Chains", "Stuff that Bugs Us", "Calculators", our show with Ian Thomas, and our National Anthem. And if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review. And like next month the second set of DVDs come out, so go get them too, eh!