July, 2004 The Hoser Weather: Okay, July is always warm right and like the construction crews decide this would be a good time to pave over all the potholes and stuff that formed over the winter right so make sure you carry an extra beer in your glove compartment or something to bribe the guys so they let you drive on the shoulder of the expressway and you can get to the cottage faster, eh?
Vol. 7, No. 10

The Cottage

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo like this month we're doin' our show from our cottage, right?
DougWell, it's not really our cottage, eh? Our boss let us use it for the show.
DougSo here we are in the wilderness, thousands of miles from civilization, with only our wits and strength to protect us from the elements.
BobOkay, maybe not thousands of miles from civilization. There's a beer store in the next town, and like a grocery store just down the street.
DougUh, you mean "a beer store at the next outpost, and a grocery store just over the portage", eh!
BobOh yeah. Cause we're thousands of miles from civilization.
DougOkay, so going to the cottage is like camping, right? Except you get a cot to sleep in instead of a sleeping bag, and since there's a door right you don't have to worry as much about snakes and stuff crawling in with you.
BobAnd bears.
DougYeah, and bears. Except some of the ones around here have learned how to ring the doorbell.
BobShh! Take off! We don't have a doorbell!
DougYeah we do. Oh wait! I know what you're doing. Yeah, no doorbell.
DougAnd the other difference is that you don't have to worry about sand and gravel and stuff getting into your cooler since like they have an ice box here that just happens to look and sound like a fridge right except we're thousands of miles from civilization so like how could we get a fridge to work, eh?
BobExactly. And like there's a barbecue here but we had to make our own propane.
DougYeah, good thing we had those cans of beans.
SFXPPTPLBPLTTT!! (Doug farting)
BobGeez! You let one!
DougNo, it wasn't me!
BobAw, take off! (starts fanning in the direction of Doug)
DougI think it was the bear.
BobI think it was the beer.
BobYou're the hoser. At least we're not in a tent. They're too enclosed and I probably woulda died from the smell. Or something woulda blown up.
DougYeah, okay, eh! At least in the cottage I don't have to sleep next to you and hear your snoring all night!
BobOh yeah? Well take off!
DougYou can't even come up with a good comeback! You take off!
BobNo, you...
SFXdoorbell rings
BobHey, someone's at the door.
DougYeah, and they've installed a doorbell, too!
BobHeh. (pauses) Shh! It might be the bear!
Doug(whispering) Oh yeah. Go look.
BobYou go look.
Guy at DoorHey, you guys! Open the door!
DougOh, it's only our boss. (opens door)
BossWhy are the lights out? (turns on chandelier hanging from ceiling)
BobUh, we were roughing it.
BossWe are roughing it. This TV only gets seventeen channels. (turns TV on)
BobUh, to all our readers at home, we didn't know about the TV.
DougYeah, and it must be some atmospheric anomaly that allows us to receive seventeen TV stations despite the fact we're thousands of miles from civilization.
BossThousands? There's a beer store in the next town and a grocery store just down the street. Speaking of beer, there's a couple of cases in the trunk of the BMW.
DougUh, when he said "BMW", he actually meant to say "canoe".
BossThis is the last time I let you two do your show from up here.
DougUh. I'm gonna go get a beer.
BobMe too. I guess that's the show for today. Good day.
DougYeah, good day, eh! (they leave)
BossGeez. What a bunch of hosers!


by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, came out on DVD last month, eh! So like if you have it then watch classic Great White North moments such as "The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations", "Traveling and Salaries", "Making Doug Go" (take off, eh! - Doug), "Parking at Donut Places", "Backbacon and Snow Chains", "Stuff that Bugs Us", "Calculators", our show with Ian Thomas, and our National Anthem. And if you don't have it, then why not, eh? Check out the article and the review, eh!

We got our copy and watched it like a dozen times but haven't written a review yet. So like watch this space for Bob and Doug McKenzie's review of the SCTV Network 90: Volume 1 DVD, eh!