October, 2003 The Hoser Weather: This month leaves will start falling off the trees, so rake them in a big pile and burn them. Or to save time, set fire to the trees now.
Vol. 7, No. 1


by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

Bob(whispering) Go! Geez...
DougOh yeah. Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug!
BobHow's it goin', eh?
DougSNORK! Like I'm not really Bob, eh? I'm Doug!
BobYeah, we're wearing our Halloween costumes cause tonight's Halloween, eh!
DougThis year I dressed up as Bob.
BobAnd I dressed up as Doug.
DougWe don't have illustrations or pictures here, but even though you can't see us, I bet we still fooled you, eh!
BobWe was just trickin' you!
DougYeah, so like trick or treat, you hosers.
BobOh yeah, how's that rhyme go?
Bob"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give us something good to eat!"
DougGeez, that wouldn't work. The guy at the door would smell your feet and fall over.
BobBut then we could take all the candy.
BobWe forgot to get candy.
DougYou were supposed to get candy! Like two boxes for us, one for mom and dad, and then like one more for the neighbourhood kids.
BobTake off! You were supposed to get them!
DougYou hoser.
BobSo what happens when the kids ring the doorbell? Are we supposed to give them beer?
DougHey, that's a good idea, eh!
BobWha? No way, that's our beer!
SFXDoorbell rings.
Doug(gets up) Oh no. Gimme some beers.
BobWe're gonna get arrested. I'm gonna tell them it was your idea.
DougWe're not gonna get arrested. (opens door)
Kids at doorTrick or treat!
DougHey, kids. That's a pretty scary costume, what are you, a ghost?
Kid #1I'm SpongeBob SquarePants!
DougHey, Bob! They got a costume of you!
BobTake off!
DougOkay, like here's something for you and you and you. Now take off, eh! (kids run off)
BobI can't believe you gave them beer!
Doug(closes door) Well, they don't have to drink it, they could give it to their parents or something. Besides, what are you so annoyed for? You drank beer when you were their age!
BobCause my hoseheaded older brother put it in my Cheerios.
DougYou mean "Beerios!" SNORK! OW!
BobYou snort beer up your nose?
BobServes you right.
SFXDoorbell rings.
DougI'll get it. (opens door)
Teenagers at doorTrick or treat!
DougHey, uh, kids... Aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?
Teenager #1Uh. No. Is this the place that's handing out beer?
DougYeah! Don't listen to him. What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Teenager #2Um. A skateboarder?
BobHey, aren't you the kids who skateboard in the road and get in our way when we're drivin' in the van?
Teenager #3Yeah!
Teenager #2No! Don't listen to him.
DougOkay, then. Here's a beer for you, one for you, and one for the skateboarder.
Teenager #1Thanks, eh!
Doug(closes door) Nice kids, eh?
BobI can't believe you're givin' teenagers beer now!
DougHey, if the cops catch them they can dress up in costumes as lawyers and accountants and stuff and pretend they're old enough to drink!
SFXDoorbell rings.
Doug(opens door) Hey, those are great costumes, you guys look just like cops!
MitchellI'm Officer Mitchell from the Police Department, this is Officer Koharski.
DougAren't you guys supposed to say "trick or treat", though?
BobUm. I think those are real cops.
KoharskiDid you hand these beers out to minors? (shows beer bottles)
DougSee, I told you those kids would find someone to drink them!
BobOh great. Now we're really in trouble!
MitchellAre you Douglas McKenzie?
DougUh. No. He is. (points at Bob)
DougYou can tell by the way we're dressed. Doug always dresses like that, ask anyone.
Koharski(to Bob) I think you'd better come with us.
BobHuh? No, take off! I'm not Doug, I've just dressed up as him for Halloween! He's the real Doug!
DougSee ya later, hoser!
Bob(being led out door) TAKE OFF! Call our lawyer!
MitchellYou'd better come with us, too.
DougNo, he's the guy you want! I'm innocent! I told him not to, but he wouldn't listen!
Koharski(returning after putting Bob and Doug in the back of the cruiser) Um. I guess that's the show for this month.
MitchellThat might be their last show for five to ten years.
KoharskiYeah, so good day.
MitchellGood day, eh!

Six Years of The Hoser

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

BobGood day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh? We've now written, like, six years worth of The Hoser.
BobYeah, that's a lot, eh! It's like, a six-pack!
DougYeah, with twelve issues each year, that's like a six-pack of twelve-packs!
BobWoah! That's a lot of beer!
DougAnd issues!
BobSo how many issues is it? Cause I think we should drink a beer for each issue.
DougUm. Geez, you ask me when I don't have my calculator.
BobNo, you should be able to do this in your head!
DougTake off.
BobYeah, six times twelve, that's the same as three times twenty-four.
DougSo three two-fours?
DougOkay. (looks at case on floor) One, two, three...
BobOh great.
DougFour, five, six...
BobDo you have to count out loud?
DougOh, sorry. (time passes, Doug nods his head as he counts the beers)
DougThat's how many beers are in a case!
BobWe already know that, we wanna know how many are in three cases!
DougOh. Then we're gonna need two more cases, this is our last one.
BobOkay, we better get to the beer store, then.
BobOkay, so enjoy The Hoser this month, and all the other months, eh! Good day.
DougYeah, good day, eh!