June, 2003 The Hoser Weather: Okay, in June there's usually lots of plants growing, including weeds. You can use beer to get rid of them, but it only works if you drink it first.
Vol. 6, No. 9

Chick Flicks and Action Movies

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug!
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobToday Doug picked the topic. He wants to talk about movies, and like I want to cook up this backbacon (holds up spatula). Go, hoser.
DougOkay, this month the topic is movies, and like there's two types of movies. (to Bob) You know what I'm talking about, eh?
BobUh, comedies and dramas?
DougNo, you nobk! Chick flicks and action movies!
DougI like watching action movies, eh? The more explosions the better.
BobOh yeah! And chick flicks don't have explosions.
DougNaw, just a lot of crying, eh! I saw this one movie, right? And like these two chicks shoot the bad guy but then like the cops are following them so then they drive off a cliff!
BobThat doesn't sound like a chick flick? Sounds more like an action movie!
DougYeah, but the car didn't blow up!
DougIt just like froze in mid-air!
BobThat sucks! It's supposed to either blow up when it hits the ground, or like if it doesn't then they get out and wipe the blood off their faces and grab their guns and then like start shooting things!
BobHey! Maybe it was sci-fi, and that's why it was floating.
DougNaw, it was like a freeze-frame. Do a freeze-frame!
BobWhy? No one can see us!
DougI can see you! Do it!
BobAw, geez!
DougC'mon! I wanna see your freeze-frame face!
BobOh all right. You first.
DougOkay, eh! (gets weird look on face and holds it for a few seconds while holding up a beer bottle)
BobOh, beauty. Didn't mom tell you that if you did that your face would stay that way?
DougYeah, that's why I do it. Your turn.
BobOkay. (holds spatula up in air with similar stunned look on face)
DougSNORK! Aw, geez!
BobYou alright?
DougI got beer bubbles up my nose!
BobDon't waste beer like that.
DougGeez, what the... (rubs nose) So, uh, what were we talking about?
BobUm. Sci-fi, or something.
DougRight, like science fiction and uh, something.
BobChick flicks.
DougRight, right. Sci-fi and chick flicks.
DougNo, that ain't right! Action movies. Stuff with cars and explosions and lots of weapons and stuff.
BobYeah, yeah! And then like all that's left is the bad guy and the good guy and then like there's a big fight between them and one like drops their gun and like the other gun falls or something so now like there's only one gun and it gets kicked around and they beat each other up and so then like the bad guy finally gets the gun but then it's out of bullets or jammed and then finally there's like an explosion but the good guy makes it out in time and then like instead of going to the hospital to fix his injuries he just goes home with his girlfriend, eh?
DougYeah, that's about it. Action movies don't suck, like chick flicks do. All they do in chick flicks is cry, even when they're happy.
BobYou cried when you found out this case of beer was on sale! (points at case on floor)
DougYeah? Well so did you!
BobHoser. Don't tell everyone, eh!
DougSo anyway. Explosions good. Crying bad. Unless you're crying cause you're so happy you got cheap beers, like these. (grabs beer from case) Hey! Freeze-frame! (another stupid look on his face as he holds up the bottle)
BobExplosions are also bad when it's your beer blowing up, eh?
DougWha? (opens beer)
SFXbeer foam spraying over Doug
BobBeerhunter! I win again!