December, 2002 The Hoser Weather: It's the Great White North, and it's snowin' cause it's Christmastime!
Vol. 6, No. 3

Christmas Lights

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, so like our topic this month is Christmas lights and we have a story to tell.
BobSo like yesterday right, we decided it's December so like we should turn on our outdoor Christmas lights, eh? But then my hosehead brother plugged them in and like nothing happened, right?
DougYeah, no lights. So I'm looking around for like a quarter, eh, cause like I thought a fuse blew and we didn't have any replacements.
BobSo then like we're in the basement looking for the fuse that blew and can't find it anywhere on the fuse box.
DougThen we realized we don't have a fuse box, our house uses circuit breakers!
BobYeah. So anyway, none of them were blown out, so there was another reason the lights weren't working.
DougOkay, like last year all the lights were working so I was hoping that one would have burned out so Bob could go up on the roof and look.
BobTake off. So then we thought maybe we should check the extension cord first.
DougYeah, in case a squirrel chewed through it, or like my hosehead brother ran over it with the lawn mower. Again.
BobHoser. But it was a good thing we checked the extension cord, eh?
DougIt wasn't even plugged in to anything! The lights weren't even outside!
BobYeah! Turns out we forgot that our mom made us take them down in like June, right? She told our dad: "no more beer money until you take the Christmas lights down" so then our dad told us: "I'm kickin' you guys out unless you take the Christmas lights down".
DougWay to delegate authority, eh?
BobYeah. So like usually we leave them up cause it saves time, but dad wouldn't even let us live in the garage last time he kicked us out so we figured it'd be a good idea to take them down this year.
DougWell, I can live in the van, eh!
BobYeah, but the heater doesn't work!
DougWell, then park it in the garage!
BobGeez, weren't you listening? Dad won't let us live in the garage, either.
DougOh yeah, I forgot, eh!
BobSo anyway... uh, what were we talking about?
DougUm. Christmas lights.
BobOh yeah. So like the lights were plugged in but they weren't up so like they weren't on.
BobYeah. So we had to put them up on the roof, which is real high up and dangerous. So we drank a lot of beer and next thing we know all our neighbours are watching us put up lights.
DougCause hoser here was only wearing his underpants!
BobWha? No! Take off.
DougHe was.
BobI was not. You were!
DougNo way.
BobGeez. They were watching us cause we put up like fifteen thousand lights.
DougApparently when we were drunk we used our beer money to buy more Christmas lights.
BobI can't believe we wasted our beer money like that.
DougNo, we didn't waste it.
BobWhat do you mean?
DougWell, when we got down off the roof the neighbours said we won the award for having the best decorated house in the subdivision.
BobWe did?!
DougYeah, they were real surprised cause usually our house looks terrible, eh! And there was a cash prize that I used to buy beer.
DougYeah, so Merry Christmas from the neighbourhood, here's your beer for the First Day of Christmas. (hands Bob a beer)
BobBeauty. I'll put it on my tree.
DougYeah, me too.
BobOkay. I guess we're out of time. Good day!
DougGood day, eh!

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Okay, every year people ask for the lyrics to Twelve Days of Christmas. So, we put them here, eh? Play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothing else to do. So good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell you what to get your true love for Christmas.