September, 2003 The Hoser Weather: It gets real cold at night this month, eh? Like last night it was down to 6 Celsius, that's like -15 Fahrenheit or something. Or maybe not.
Vol. 6, No. 12

Bonfires

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug!
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, this month the topic is bonfires, and like why they're not a good idea, eh?
DougI thought that one last night was pretty good.
BobLike normally they are, eh? Tell them about our bonfires.
DougOkay. So like sometimes our dad kicks us out of the house, eh?
BobActually, he kicks us out a lot.
DougWell, if you didn't keep spending his beer money then maybe he wouldn't, eh!
BobYou were the one who spent all his beer money, you nobk!
DougTake off! You spent it!
BobDid not!
DougDid too.
BobDid not.
DougDid too!
BobDid too!
DougDid not... HEY!
BobTold ya.
DougHoser.
BobYou're a hoser.
DougAnyway, so we get kicked out right and like the first time this happened we thought we could live in the van, eh?
BobBut it's hard to keep warm.
DougWell. Not in the summer.
BobYeah, alright, but it's September and in about three months it's gonna be Christmas, eh?
DougYeah, and you're gonna be lookin' out the window and seein' snow, cause you're a hosehead.
BobGeez.
DougAnyway, can I finish this story?
BobYeah, yeah.
Doug'Kay. So living in the van is alright but like the first time we tried it got cold right so then we parked near some woods and decided to make a bonfire. Tell them how to make a bonfire, eh!
BobHuh? Oh yeah.
DougWake up.
BobFirst you gotta get some dry wood. Like these woods we was at weren't very big so we pulled out a dead tree and lots of grass and stuff and made a big pile out of it. And oh yeah, make sure you have some extra wood too, cause it burns real fast and you're gonna need more.
DougYeah.
BobSo we took all this wood and grass and stuff...
DougThere were boxes and crates and things in it too.
BobGeez, now you're interrupting me!
DougNow we're even.
BobSo...
DougHe didn't even mention the boxes and crates, eh! I've gotta interrupt him just so you can hear the whole story, eh!
BobTake off. Like all this stuff needs to catch fire, so get out the gas can from the back of the van, cause like when you drive a van like ours right you gotta make sure there's extra fuel in the back. Anyway, dump the gas on the grass and stuff.
DougGas on the grass?
BobYeah. Maybe I'm like a poet, eh?
DougBeauty.
BobI know. So then get a match, and you know what to do next.
DougWhat?
BobHuh? Light it, you nobk!
DougIt's covered in gasoline, I don't think you need a match!
BobOkay, then get out the jumper cables and make a spark. That's my favourite way of doing it.
DougIs that why you don't have any eyebrows?
BobTake off.
DougSo yeah, now you've got yourself a great big bonfire, and it'll keep you warm the whole night.
BobYeah.
DougOr until the cops show up.
BobYeah, that's a bad thing.
DougOr the park ranger. Don't try this in like a conservation area or provincial park, eh? Cause then the ranger will get mad at you and you'll get fined.
BobYeah. You shouldn't have used dad's beer money to pay that fine.
DougNow hosehead here just told you why we were kicked out of the house yesterday.
BobIt was your fault this time. Finish the topic, eh!
DougOkay, like last night we were makin' another bonfire, and gasoline is expensive eh so I used diesel instead cause it's cheaper. In hindsight that was a dumb thing to do.
BobYeah, the explosion looked pretty neat from where I was standing.
DougIt felt pretty neat from where I was standing.
BobNice.
DougBeauty. So I'm alright, and hoser here was standing far enough away, but like we almost started a forest fire.
BobYeah, we stomped out the dry grass, but unfortunately the fire was pretty hot and melted the soles of our boots.
DougMine are still stuck to the gas pedal in the van.
BobIt's hard to use the brakes that way, eh!
DougNo kidding. So anyway, if you're gonna make a bonfire use regular unleaded gasoline or antifreeze or something else flammable, otherwise you're gonna blow something up and if you don't drive real fast the cops will show up and you'll be in a heap of trouble.
BobYeah. To all cops reading this, that explosion on the ninth road wasn't us. It was someone else.
DougYeah.
BobBeauty. Good day, everybody!
DougGood day, eh!

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