The Hoser

September, 2003		Weather: It gets real cold at night this month, eh? Like last night it was down to 6° Celsius, that's like -15° Fahrenheit or something. Or maybe not.
Vol. 6, No. 12

Bonfires

by Doug McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug!
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	Okay, this month the topic is bonfires, and like why they're not a good idea, eh?
Doug	I thought that one last night was pretty good.
Bob	Like normally they are, eh? Tell them about our bonfires.
Doug	Okay. So like sometimes our dad kicks us out of the house, eh?
Bob	Actually, he kicks us out a lot.
Doug	Well, if you didn't keep spending his beer money then maybe he wouldn't, eh!
Bob	You were the one who spent all his beer money, you nobk!
Doug	Take off! You spent it!
Bob	Did not!
Doug	Did too.
Bob	Did not.
Doug	Did too!
Bob	Did too!
Doug	Did not... HEY!
Bob	Told ya.
Doug	Hoser.
Bob	You're a hoser.
Doug	Anyway, so we get kicked out right and like the first time this happened we thought we could live in the van, eh?
Bob	But it's hard to keep warm.
Doug	Well. Not in the summer.
Bob	Yeah, alright, but it's September and in about three months it's gonna be Christmas, eh?
Doug	Yeah, and you're gonna be lookin' out the window and seein' snow, cause you're a hosehead.
Bob	Geez.
Doug	Anyway, can I finish this story?
Bob	Yeah, yeah.
Doug	'Kay. So living in the van is alright but like the first time we tried it got cold right so then we parked near some woods and decided to make a bonfire. Tell them how to make a bonfire, eh!
Bob	Huh? Oh yeah.
Doug	Wake up.
Bob	First you gotta get some dry wood. Like these woods we was at weren't very big so we pulled out a dead tree and lots of grass and stuff and made a big pile out of it. And oh yeah, make sure you have some extra wood too, cause it burns real fast and you're gonna need more.
Doug	Yeah.
Bob	So we took all this wood and grass and stuff...
Doug	There were boxes and crates and things in it too.
Bob	Geez, now you're interrupting me!
Doug	Now we're even.
Bob	So...
Doug	He didn't even mention the boxes and crates, eh! I've gotta interrupt him just so you can hear the whole story, eh!
Bob	Take off. Like all this stuff needs to catch fire, so get out the gas can from the back of the van, cause like when you drive a van like ours right you gotta make sure there's extra fuel in the back. Anyway, dump the gas on the grass and stuff.
Doug	Gas on the grass?
Bob	Yeah. Maybe I'm like a poet, eh?
Doug	Beauty.
Bob	I know. So then get a match, and you know what to do next.
Doug	What?
Bob	Huh? Light it, you nobk!
Doug	It's covered in gasoline, I don't think you need a match!
Bob	Okay, then get out the jumper cables and make a spark. That's my favourite way of doing it.
Doug	Is that why you don't have any eyebrows?
Bob	Take off.
Doug	So yeah, now you've got yourself a great big bonfire, and it'll keep you warm the whole night.
Bob	Yeah.
Doug	Or until the cops show up.
Bob	Yeah, that's a bad thing.
Doug	Or the park ranger. Don't try this in like a conservation area or provincial park, eh? Cause then the ranger will get mad at you and you'll get fined.
Bob	Yeah. You shouldn't have used dad's beer money to pay that fine.
Doug	Now hosehead here just told you why we were kicked out of the house yesterday.
Bob	It was your fault this time. Finish the topic, eh!
Doug	Okay, like last night we were makin' another bonfire, and gasoline is expensive eh so I used diesel instead cause it's cheaper. In hindsight that was a dumb thing to do.
Bob	Yeah, the explosion looked pretty neat from where I was standing.
Doug	It felt pretty neat from where I was standing.
Bob	Nice.
Doug	Beauty. So I'm alright, and hoser here was standing far enough away, but like we almost started a forest fire.
Bob	Yeah, we stomped out the dry grass, but unfortunately the fire was pretty hot and melted the soles of our boots.
Doug	Mine are still stuck to the gas pedal in the van.
Bob	It's hard to use the brakes that way, eh!
Doug	No kidding. So anyway, if you're gonna make a bonfire use regular unleaded gasoline or antifreeze or something else flammable, otherwise you're gonna blow something up and if you don't drive real fast the cops will show up and you'll be in a heap of trouble.
Bob	Yeah. To all cops reading this, that explosion on the ninth road wasn't us. It was someone else.
Doug	Yeah.
Bob	Beauty. Good day, everybody!
Doug	Good day, eh!

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