August, 2003 The Hoser Weather: It's gonna be hot this month eh so like stay in a cool place like your basement with the beer you're making and guard it from hosers who want to try a sample before it's done like your hosehead brother eh!
Vol. 6, No. 11

Summer School

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug!
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, so like we're going to summer school now, eh!
DougTake off, we are not!
BobYeah, we are!
DougNo way, eh! Summer school is like what they called it when I failed English in grade ten and like if I didn't go then they'd kick me out of school!
BobGet out. Then what do you call this? We're at school, and it's summer.
DougWell, we're not really at school, but it is summer.
BobSo it's uh... summer classes.
DougWe're taking a correspondence course, you nobk!
BobOh yeah, that's what it's called.
BobSo anyway, we're taking a correspondence course for beer making, eh!
DougYeah, Beer Making 101.
BobOr "Brewing 101" as they call it.
DougOh yeah. So first of all, we thought there'd be a lot of sampling, but apparently there's no sampling till the end of the class.
BobOur class project. We're graded on how the beer tastes.
DougIf it's drinkable.
BobYeah, the instructor told us if anyone's beer smells bad he's not gonna sample any and like they'll fail the class.
DougSo we asked him if we could keep the beer that smelled bad for ourselves. Cause like once you drink like a six-pack or three you don't really care how the next beer tastes.
BobSo he said "okay, good idea cause that way it won't go to waste" so beauty, eh!
DougI think he knows us or something.
BobYeah. Anyway, making beer isn't as easy as we thought. You need like malt which is like a grain eh and then sugar that'll turn into alcohol and yeast to ferment everything and like hops which aren't things that hop around but are like flowers that taste good in beer.
DougYeah, then you take like all the ingredients right and put them in hot water and mix it up to make wort which not only has a disgusting name but actually looks disgusting right and then like put it somewhere cool and dark so like in our basement behind like the furnace right cause like it won't be on in the summer anyway.
BobBeauty. So now in a few days we're gonna siphon it out into bottles right so like this is probably the first time we've ever used a siphon for something other than gas, eh?
DougYeah. I didn't even know they could be used for other liquids.
BobMe neither.
DougYeah, so like we use the siphon to pour it into bottles and like I'm not even sure if we should bother capping them right cause like we're just gonna drink them anyway.
BobWhat about the instructor? He's gonna want a sample.
DougOh yeah. So how do we get it to the instructor, cause like we don't even know where he lives, eh!
BobNaw, we take it to the school at night eh and like give him the samples and then write the exam.
DougThere's an exam?
DougAt the school?
DougAt night?
DougGeez. I haven't been at school at night since we snuck in and spray-painted the lockers.
BobHey, take off!
DougDid they ever figure out it was us who did that?
BobYou just told them!
DougOops, sorry eh! Maybe our old teachers won't be reading this. They probably don't think we can write anyway.
BobYou nobk! Now we're gonna get detention and have to stay after school!
DougA detention? We've been out of high school for years!
BobOh yeah? We're taking a course right now!
DougIt's a correspondence course. All that means is we'll have to stay home after school.
BobHey, I'm gonna like this detention. Let's get loaded! Gimme a beer!
DougOkay, eh! (opens case and pulls out two beers)