June, 2002 The Hoser Weather: Okay, there's like a calendar on the wall here and it says summer starts this month so it's probably gonna be warm, eh?
Vol. 5, No. 9

Lawn Mowing

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.
DougGood day, eh!
BobOkay, right like last week we went to our dad for some beer money and he says "take off, eh! If you did some work around here maybe I'd give you money for beer."
DougYeah, so I said, like "what work?" I thought it was funny.
BobDad didn't.
DougRight. So he said to mow the lawn, or something, and then kicked us out of the house into the garage.
BobAnd there was no beer there, so we had to actually work.
DougRight. So hosehead over here found a pair of scissors and was going to use that to cut the grass.
BobWe have a small lawn, eh!
DougNot that small! So we're looking around, and we find this old lawn mower, right?
BobBut it didn't work.
DougNo, it was out of gas, eh!
BobDid you just fart?
SFX(Doug farting)
DougNow that was a fart.
DougIf only I did that back then we would have had enough gas for the lawn mower.
DougSo right, like we needed gas and we had no money but fortunately I always keep a siphon in the van cause like you never know when you're gonna need it, eh!
BobGeez. I gotta open a window. (leaves)
DougAnd then like I sucked some gas out of the van and into the lawn mower but spilled some all over the floor right? (Bob returns) So then I had to clean that up and all the while Bob here is in the van listening to music and not helping me or anything.
BobI didn't know you were siphoning gas. I thought we were gonna use beer to power the lawn mower cause like it has alcohol in it that burns like gas, eh?
DougDid you learn that from Star Trek?
BobUm. Yeah! Hey, hoser.
BobYou ever notice how like in Star Trek there's no grass or plants or anything?
DougPlanets? There's lots of planets in Star Trek.
BobWha? No, plants you nobk! Like those green things that mom sometimes cooks but we never eat.
DougSo like vegetables, then?
BobYeah. So anyway, why was there no grass on Star Trek? The original one. I think maybe in The Next Generation the robot guy mowed the lawn in space or something.
DougI don't remember that episode. But yeah, there's no grass cause it's hard to grow grass in space cause like there's no sun or gravity or anything.
DougAnd no lawn mowers. You ever see a lawn mower on the original Star Trek? I don't think so.
BobHe's a genius, eh?
DougYeah. Okay, where was I?
BobUm. You were talking about putting gas in the lawn mower.
DougOh right. So after I clean up the spilled gas in the garage hosehead over here gets out of the van and decides to push the mower.
BobI did all the work, eh!
DougTake off. So he pushes the mower right into the neighbour's backyard. I don't think their kid was too happy when his swimming pool went flying across the yard in three pieces.
BobI didn't see it, eh?
DougHow could you miss? It was six feet around and bright pink!
BobYeah, well maybe I'm colourblind, eh? Or maybe it was the fumes from the gas you spilled.
DougOh yeah. That reminds me.
SFX(Doug farts again)

SCTV Airings

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Ok, right now SCTV is only on in Canada on the Comedy Network. If you like live in the states, then you're hosed, eh? They were showing it, but now it's gone, so you're gonna have to watch it on tape or imagine it's still on or whatever. But if you live in Canada, then you should be watching the episodes, eh! Cause like it might go off the air here sometime too. Either way, go check the SCTV News page or SCTV: On The Air! to find the air times, or in case something changed, eh?!