March, 2002 The Hoser Weather: It's still gonna be cold out and the water's still frozen over, so you still can't pull the snowmobile out of the lake.
Vol. 5, No. 6

How To Avoid Parking Tickets

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobUm, okay, so today the topic is parking tickets, and um, go hoser!
DougYeah, okay. Parking tickets. Cops have nothing better to do apparently than to give honest law-abiding citizens...
BobSnork! us a ticket when all we've done wrong is park for five minutes over the limit, or a little crooked in the parking space, or blocking in another car.
DougSo our theory is to let us park the way we want, and cops should go arrest real criminals, eh?
BobBeauty. But cops don't agree with us, and the judge never has, either.
DougI think the cops and the judges are working together, eh?
BobYeah, so anyway, here's how you can park whatever way you want and the cops will never give you a parking ticket. First...
DougYou know where cops put the ticket, eh?
BobHey! I was talking!
DougTake off. You always do the topic, this time I'm doin' the talking!
DougZoom in on me! Zoom in over here! I'm the host of the show now, so welcome to the Doug McKenzie hour...
BobNo, hoser!
DougTake off. I'm doing the show.
BobYeah, well this isn't the show, this is our online newspaper, eh?
Doug(mockingly) "This is our online newspaper!" Well thanks for pointing that out! HOSER!
DougSo don't zoom in on me. See that picture at the top part of your screen of Bob? Well put some tape or something over that, so you don't see him. Cause he's not here, eh?
BobI am too.
DougIgnore him, too. So anyway, where was I? (silence) Hey, hoser.
BobI'm bein' ignored, so I'm not here.
DougOk, I won't ignore you, just tell me what our topic was.
BobYou forgot our topic?
DougUh. Yeah.
BobI can't believe you forgot our topic!
DougI don't think there's enough space now.
BobYeah there is. Write real small.
DougTake off.
BobThe topic was parking tickets.
DougOh yeah, parking tickets. You can ignore Bob again. Parking tickets. You know where cops put the ticket, eh?
BobUnder the windshield wiper.
DougRight. Under the windshield wiper. So if you have no windshield wipers, where does the cop put the ticket?
BobHe's a genius, eh?
DougI know. So cops can't give you a ticket if you have no windshield wipers, so remove the windshield wipers from your van or car or whatever you drive.
BobOr live in, if that happens to be the case.
DougJust be careful when you're driving in the rain, since you won't be able to see that well.
BobOr better yet, just don't drive when it's raining. Unless you're out of beer.
DougBeauty. So I guess that's the topic for today, good day.
BobGood day, eh?
DougHow'd you like my show?
BobYou're a hoser. We're supposed to share, but you took over, eh?
DougYeah, well...
BobThat's not the way it's supposed to be, eh?
DougYeah, well next time you can take off, eh?

Canada Wins Gold - Bob and Doug Get Drunk

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

BobGood day, we just watched the Olympics, eh?
DougYeah, and Canada won a lot of medals, and did real well.
BobAnd both the men's and women's hockey teams won gold medals.
DougRight. So in honour of all this, we say that all Canadians in the world should go and get something golden.
BobBeer is a golden colour.
DougBeauty! All Canadians, go have a beer and celebrate with us.
BobYeah, let's go get loaded.
DougSounds good to me! Good day.
BobGood day, eh?

SCTV No Longer on NBC

by Bob McKenzie

Those hosers at NBC decided to stop showing SCTV! (Note from Doug to Bob: Don't call them hosers, eh? Now they'll never show it again!) See the article on the Strange Brew 2 and SCTV News Page, for details, eh?

SCTV Still On in Canada

by Doug McKenzie

The Comedy Network in Canada has been showing SCTV since 1999, so like if you live in Canada and get the Comedy Network and didn't know that, then maybe you shouldn't be paying for cable or something. There's two different syndicated episodes a day which are probably in order, too. Check out the SCTV page and the SCTV News page for more info, eh?