July, 2002 The Hoser Weather: Ok it gets real warm in July right so everyone's using air conditioners and fans and leaving their fridges open right so expect to hear a warning from a politician not to use so much electricity cause like then there's not gonna be enough to keep his beer cold eh!
Vol. 5, No. 10

Air Conditioners

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.
DougGood day, eh!
BobOkay. So like you can see from our set that there's no Coleman, right...
DougNo, the readers can't really see our set. This is a newspaper, eh!
BobOh, right. So anyway Doug can see from our set, and you could too if this were our show, that we aren't using the Coleman cause its July in the Great White North and too warm to cook backbacon, right?
DougYeah. Well, our mom still cooks us some for breakfast sometimes.
BobRight. So yeah, its real warm so we went out and stole an air conditioner...
DougTake off! We did not steal it.
BobOh yeah. We found an air conditioner. So hosehead here says "where should we put it", right, and I'm like...
DougHey, I should be able to say my own lines, eh?
BobOk, I'll let you say your own lines if you stop interrupting me.
DougBeauty. So I says "where should we put this air conditioner, eh!"
BobYeah, and then I said "how 'bout the garage, cause then the cases of beer that aren't in the fridge will stay cold, too". Then hoser says, uh, you say it.
DougOk, I said "no way, cause then the old man will kick us out of the house cause we're using his electricity". He acts like he owns the house sometimes, eh?
BobHe does own the house, you nobk!
DougOh yeah!
BobSo anyway, we decided to put the air conditioner in the van, right, so we can stay cool while we're driving around and looking for beer and/or donuts.
Doug"And/or". Beauty.
DougSo here's how to put an air conditioner into a van. First you take out the window.
BobI don't advise smashing it like Doug did.
DougOkay, that wasn't on purpose, but it worked anyway.
DougSo take out a window, then stick the air conditioner into it. This is like a wall-unit, right? So you can jam it in there with a sledgehammer and then make sure the door closes and fill in the gap between the air conditioner and the door with like wood or plastic or smashed up beer cans or something.
BobYeah, and when that's done you've successfully installed air conditioning in your van.
DougNo way.
DougCause there's no way of powering it.
BobWell what about the alternator?
DougNot enough voltage. So I stole...
Doug...borrowed a power inverter. You've seen them, right?
BobYeah, I have.
DougI was talking to the reader.
BobOh, right.
DougSo they like turn the 12 volt DC power from your lighter into 120 volt AC that can be used to power air conditioners and big screen TVs and stuff.
BobYeah. He's a genius, eh!
DougSo anyway, I stole...
Doug...borrowed an inverter and plugged in the air conditioner and it was real cold in the van right? So we're driving around testing it, right, and it's real great cause it's so hot out.
DougThen later that night, Bob says "we're out of beer" so he's gonna get some more, eh! That was my big mistake, letting him drive. You know how those air conditioners stick right out of the window, eh? Like eight or nine inches, right?
BobGeez. Don't tell them this part!
DougYeah, I'm going to.
DougOkay so like hoser here was driving down the street to the Beer Store and then he drove too close to a pole and took out the air conditioner and smashed it right and like when he backed up to pick it up he drove over it and smashed it more eh!
BobBeauty run on, eh?
BobSo anyway, the air conditioner's smashed, but we're still comfortable when we drive cause like the door got ripped out and the wind blows through the van and we can still stay cool.
DougYeah. And as a bonus the van now looks like one of those delivery vans with no door on the passenger side. Beauty, eh!
BobYeah. Except since there's no passenger side seat belt, I'm gonna make sure I make some sharp left turns next time I'm driving the van, eh!
DougTake off you hoser!

SCTV Airings

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

Ok, right now SCTV is only on in Canada on the Comedy Network. If you like live in the states, then you're hosed, eh? They were showing it, but now it's gone, so you're gonna have to watch it on tape or imagine it's still on or whatever. But if you live in Canada, then you should be watching the episodes, eh! Cause like it might go off the air here sometime too. Either way, go check the SCTV News page or SCTV: On The Air! to find the air times, or in case something changed, eh?!