October, 2001 The Hoser Weather: You don't need to know the weather this month, since you'll be spending all your time indoors watching the start of the new hockey season on TV, trying to figure out why your favourite team traded all their players to some team no one's ever heard of before.
Vol. 5, No. 1

Gourmet Hosers

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother, Doug, and this month the topic is gourmet cooking.
DougHow's it goin'? Gourmet cooking, is, like, our specialty now.
BobYeah, we have dishes prepared that you can make in the comfort of your own kitchen, for very little money.
DougWe sound like an infomercial. So what are these amazing dishes, Bob?
BobOk, the first one is side bacon. Like, normally we eat back bacon, and this is different, and it cooks different, so, like, it's gourmet.
DougTake off. It is not gourmet.
BobYeah, it is. (opens package of bacon)
DougNo way, eh? I see it all the time in the store, in the same place as the back bacon.
BobYeah, but I have a special recipe. (puts bacon in pan on stove)
DougWha? There's only so many ways to cook bacon, eh? No matter if it's side or back bacon.
BobYeah, there's lots. The gourmet cooks...
DougOh, we're chefs, not cooks, eh, hoser?
BobGood one. The gourmet chefs always add wine to their cooking. It makes it taste like beer, and they can double the price. So we're gonna add some now.
DougBut we don't have any wine. Just beer.
BobOkay. (grabs Doug's half-empty beer off the table)
DougWhat the?!
Bob(pours beer in pan) So now this is "beer bacon".
DougYou hoser! That was my beer!
SFXbeer bubbling with grease in pan
BobYou want it back?
DougWell, not now. But you owe me a beer.
BobGeez. (searches through case) Here's one, hoser. (hands Doug a beer)
DougNobk. You didn't even open it. Now, where were we?
BobUh, our gourmet beer bacon is almost done.
DougI think there should be more in there, eh?
BobWell, what else is there?
DougHere's some bread. (reaches into cooler)
BobWhat'm I supposed to do with this?
DougWhen the bacon's done, and all that's left is the grease and beer, you put it in there and fry it.
BobUGH! Talk about cheezwiz!
DougHey, good idea. Maybe we have some of that around here.
BobOkay, I have a better idea. Let's toast the bread, then put the cheezwiz and beer bacon on it.
DougGood one. Where's the toaster?
BobOver there.
DougWhy's there a fork sticking out of it?
BobIt got stuck.
DougOh. Well, maybe we should put the bread on the stove instead.
BobGood idea. We'll fry it in the grease.
DougBeauty! Sounds better than toasting it.
BobOk, so what do we call this meal?
DougThis gourmet meal!
BobRight. Gourmet meal. What do we call it?
DougUh, like, there's beer bacon, with deep-fried...
BobNo, take off. Gourmets don't say "deep-fried".
DougOh yeah! Okay, beer bacon with, like... no, wait!
DougI've got it: pork side on Canadian cheese and grilled wholegrain bread.
BobThat's amazing.
DougYeah. Now we just need some vegetable, and we're done.
BobOh, yeah. But we don't have any vegetables.
DougYeah, we do. (reaches into cooler and pulls out a sandwich)
BobWhat? Is that one of the sandwiches you made yesterday?
DougYeah, I put some lettuce in it. (pulls out leaf of lettuce)
BobOh, beauty. Put it on the sandwich... uh, I mean the Canadian pork cheese grilled bread thing.
DougNo, you got it wrong. Grilled Canad... no, wait. Anyway. Here's the gourmet meal, whatever it's called.
BobYeah, too bad the folks reading this can't see how mouth watering it is.
DougYeah. I'm gonna take a bite now.
BobNo, I get to try it first. (takes it off plate)
DougTake off!
Bob(takes bite) BLAGH! (spits it out) I thought you made those sandwiches yesterday!
DougI did!
BobWell, something's gone bad! How old's the lettuce?
DougI don't know. However old the one in the bottom of the fridge in the garage is.
BobFridge in the garage? It hasn't worked for over a year!
DougWell, then it's probably that old, then.
BobYOU HOSER! You made me eat a year-old, rotten lettuce! UURGH! I'm gonna puke! I'm gettin' out! (leaves)
DougGeez. What a hoser. Well, I guess I have to finish both The Hoser and the sandwich. Okay, folks, if you're gonna make this gourmet meal, you might want to leave off the lettuce. Good day, eh? (takes bite) Hey, this isn't bad. (chews a bit more) MMPH... BLUURG! Get outa the way! I'm gonna puke too! (runs out of room)

Four Years Of The Hoser

BobOkay, welcome to the first issue of our fifth year.
DougYeah. We've been here for four years, so this is the start of the fifth year.
BobAnd at the end, we'll have five years of The Hoser.
DougYeah. You can handle the math, eh?
BobWell, I didn't flunk out of grade eight twice, eh?
DougBut you still flunked once!
BobTake off!
BobTo celebrate our four years online, we're gonna each drink four cases of beer.
DougTake off. Four cases?
BobOkay. Four six-packs.
DougBeauty. So that's, like, how many beers? 24?
BobGee, for a guy who flunked grade eight twice, you're pretty good with numbers, eh?

Back Issues Are Back

Attention all hosers! The back issues are back, eh? So, save them this time, or print them out, or something. Next time our server crashes, you'll be glad you did. The links are on the back issues page, eh?

SCTV Airing in USA and Canada

Good day, eh? NBC is still showing SCTV in the former "Later" timeslot, which is usually Monday to Thursday, 1:35am to 2:05am. Check your listings, and find out when it's on. Who knows what episodes will be on, but maybe we'll be there, eh?

The Comedy Network in Canada is also showing two different syndicated episodes a day, and maybe they're in order, too. Check out the SCTV page and the SCTV News page for more info, eh?