October, 2001 | Weather: You don't need to know the weather this month, since you'll be spending all your time indoors watching the start of the new hockey season on TV, trying to figure out why your favourite team traded all their players to some team no one's ever heard of before. | |
Vol. 5, No. 1 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Good day, and welcome to the Hoser. I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother, Doug, and this month the topic is gourmet cooking. |
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Doug | How's it goin'? Gourmet cooking, is, like, our specialty now. |
Bob | Yeah, we have dishes prepared that you can make in the comfort of your own kitchen, for very little money. |
Doug | We sound like an infomercial. So what are these amazing dishes, Bob? |
Bob | Ok, the first one is side bacon. Like, normally we eat back bacon, and this is different, and it cooks different, so, like, it's gourmet. |
Doug | Take off. It is not gourmet. |
Bob | Yeah, it is. (opens package of bacon) |
Doug | No way, eh? I see it all the time in the store, in the same place as the back bacon. |
Bob | Yeah, but I have a special recipe. (puts bacon in pan on stove) |
Doug | Wha? There's only so many ways to cook bacon, eh? No matter if it's side or back bacon. |
Bob | Yeah, there's lots. The gourmet cooks... |
Doug | Oh, we're chefs, not cooks, eh, hoser? |
Bob | Good one. The gourmet chefs always add wine to their cooking. It makes it taste like beer, and they can double the price. So we're gonna add some now. |
Doug | But we don't have any wine. Just beer. |
Bob | Okay. (grabs Doug's half-empty beer off the table) |
Doug | What the?! |
Bob | (pours beer in pan) So now this is "beer bacon". |
Doug | You hoser! That was my beer! |
SFX | beer bubbling with grease in pan |
Bob | You want it back? |
Doug | Well, not now. But you owe me a beer. |
Bob | Geez. (searches through case) Here's one, hoser. (hands Doug a beer) |
Doug | Nobk. You didn't even open it. Now, where were we? |
Bob | Uh, our gourmet beer bacon is almost done. |
Doug | I think there should be more in there, eh? |
Bob | Well, what else is there? |
Doug | Here's some bread. (reaches into cooler) |
Bob | What'm I supposed to do with this? |
Doug | When the bacon's done, and all that's left is the grease and beer, you put it in there and fry it. |
Bob | UGH! Talk about cheezwiz! |
Doug | Hey, good idea. Maybe we have some of that around here. |
Bob | Okay, I have a better idea. Let's toast the bread, then put the cheezwiz and beer bacon on it. |
Doug | Good one. Where's the toaster? |
Bob | Over there. |
Doug | Why's there a fork sticking out of it? |
Bob | It got stuck. |
Doug | Oh. Well, maybe we should put the bread on the stove instead. |
Bob | Good idea. We'll fry it in the grease. |
Doug | Beauty! Sounds better than toasting it. |
Bob | Ok, so what do we call this meal? |
Doug | This gourmet meal! |
Bob | Right. Gourmet meal. What do we call it? |
Doug | Uh, like, there's beer bacon, with deep-fried... |
Bob | No, take off. Gourmets don't say "deep-fried". |
Doug | Oh yeah! Okay, beer bacon with, like... no, wait! |
Bob | What? |
Doug | I've got it: pork side on Canadian cheese and grilled wholegrain bread. |
Bob | That's amazing. |
Doug | Yeah. Now we just need some vegetable, and we're done. |
Bob | Oh, yeah. But we don't have any vegetables. |
Doug | Yeah, we do. (reaches into cooler and pulls out a sandwich) |
Bob | What? Is that one of the sandwiches you made yesterday? |
Doug | Yeah, I put some lettuce in it. (pulls out leaf of lettuce) |
Bob | Oh, beauty. Put it on the sandwich... uh, I mean the Canadian pork cheese grilled bread thing. |
Doug | No, you got it wrong. Grilled Canad... no, wait. Anyway. Here's the gourmet meal, whatever it's called. |
Bob | Yeah, too bad the folks reading this can't see how mouth watering it is. |
Doug | Yeah. I'm gonna take a bite now. |
Bob | No, I get to try it first. (takes it off plate) |
Doug | Take off! |
Bob | (takes bite) BLAGH! (spits it out) I thought you made those sandwiches yesterday! |
Doug | I did! |
Bob | Well, something's gone bad! How old's the lettuce? |
Doug | I don't know. However old the one in the bottom of the fridge in the garage is. |
Bob | Fridge in the garage? It hasn't worked for over a year! |
Doug | Well, then it's probably that old, then. |
Bob | YOU HOSER! You made me eat a year-old, rotten lettuce! UURGH! I'm gonna puke! I'm gettin' out! (leaves) |
Doug | Geez. What a hoser. Well, I guess I have to finish both The Hoser and the sandwich. Okay, folks, if you're gonna make this gourmet meal, you might want to leave off the lettuce. Good day, eh? (takes bite) Hey, this isn't bad. (chews a bit more) MMPH... BLUURG! Get outa the way! I'm gonna puke too! (runs out of room) |
Bob | Okay, welcome to the first issue of our fifth year. |
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Doug | Yeah. We've been here for four years, so this is the start of the fifth year. |
Bob | And at the end, we'll have five years of The Hoser. |
Doug | Yeah. You can handle the math, eh? |
Bob | Well, I didn't flunk out of grade eight twice, eh? |
Doug | But you still flunked once! |
Bob | Take off! |
Doug | Hoser. |
Bob | To celebrate our four years online, we're gonna each drink four cases of beer. |
Doug | Take off. Four cases? |
Bob | Okay. Four six-packs. |
Doug | Beauty. So that's, like, how many beers? 24? |
Bob | Gee, for a guy who flunked grade eight twice, you're pretty good with numbers, eh? |
Doug | TAKE OFF YOU HOSER! |
Attention all hosers! The back issues are back, eh? So, save them this time, or print them out, or something. Next time our server crashes, you'll be glad you did. The links are on the back issues page, eh?
Good day, eh? NBC is still showing SCTV in the former "Later" timeslot, which is usually Monday to Thursday, 1:35am to 2:05am. Check your listings, and find out when it's on. Who knows what episodes will be on, but maybe we'll be there, eh?
The Comedy Network in Canada is also showing two different syndicated episodes a day, and maybe they're in order, too. Check out the SCTV page and the SCTV News page for more info, eh?
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
Contact BobSend me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about. |
Copyright ©1997-2001 Chris "Bob" Odorjan