January, 2001 The Hoser Weather: Do we even have to tell you that it's gonna snow this month?
Vol. 4, No. 4

Snow, Hosehead

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, welcome to the Hoser.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOk. Today the topic is snow.
DougYeah, eh? It's January here in The Great White North, so there's lots of snow on the ground and roads, and everywhere.
BobYeah. So unless you live in, like, Hawaii or something, then you're gonna see some snow.
DougOk. Is that it?
BobNo, we have to do more.
DougOk. Tell the people who live in Hawaii what winter is like in Canada.
BobWhy don't you?
DougCause it's your topic.
BobTake off. We decided on the topic together.
DougOk, fine. I'll finish this, and you let you talk.
BobHey, wait...
DougWe get snow all winter in Canada. Sometimes it melts into slush, which leaks into your boots, giving you two soakers until you can take your socks off, eh?
BobThen you...
DougAnd then when it covers the road, you'll be sliding all over the place. That's why you put some weight into the back of the van, to keep it from sliding so much.
BobUse beer.
DougLike hosehead here said, use beer. Lots of it. Keep going back to the beer store. And don't forget your empties on the way back, for weight and for cashing them in.
BobCan I...
DougNo. You have to buy a snow shovel. The real good ones are curved, or you can get a big scoop that'll pick up lots of snow and ice and stuff. Or better still, buy a snowblower...
DougEven better, buy a snowplow blade and attach it to the van and plow from your driveway to the beer store. All your neighbours will have to use the same path, so invite them over for a party. Make sure it's BYOB, though.
BobCan I go now?
DougWhere? To the bathroom? You gotta take a leak?
BobNo, I mean can I say something?
DougOk, fine. You want me to talk, then you don't. Hoser.
BobTake off. You got snow on the roads, and shovels and plows and stuff. What else.
DougI'm not saying anything.
BobYou just did. Snowmobiles. Make sure you get the snowmobile out and drive around. Make sure the guy who owns the land doesn't catch you, though.
DougYou mean like last year?
BobI thought you weren't going to say anything.
DougTake off.
BobAnd, uh, tuques and earmuffs and gloves. Wear them when you go outside, cause it's cold when it snows.
DougAnd use a snow scraper to get the ice of the windows of your van. Gasoline and a match doesn't work.
BobWell, it does, but then the insurance guys get mad. Anything else, hoser?
DougRoad salt. You forgot road salt.
BobNo, you did. You were the one talking about plows and stuff.
DougOk. Road salt is those rocks of salt you put on the sidewalk or driveway or road to melt the snow. But it leaves white stuff on your boots, so like, buy a new pair every year. Especially if you leave a backbacon sandwich in one of them, eh?
BobGeez. Talk about cheezwiz.
DougNo, you did that.
BobOh, right.
DougOk, are we done now?
BobI think so. Good day.
DougGood day, eh? Hey, you want a sandwich?
BobNo way. Get out.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Okay, every year people ask for the lyrics to Twelve Days of Christmas. So, we put them here, eh? Play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothing else to do. So good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell you what to get your true love for Christmas...

Back Issues

Ok, eh? The back issues are up, but not the really early ones. We'll get them done sometime. We think.

SCTV Reruns

Good day. The Comedy Network in Canada is still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, sometimes two a day. Maybe they're in order, too. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?