The Hoser

December, 2000		Weather: Expect flurries this month. Buy them at Dairy Queen.
Vol. 4, No. 3

Frozen Beer

by Doug McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor

Bob	Good day, welcome to the Hoser.
Doug	How's it goin', eh?
Bob	Today the topic is what happens when beer gets too cold. Ok, go.
Doug	Yeah. Usually, we try to keep our beer cold, cause then it tastes better, and there's less chance of puking after drinking a lot, too.
Bob	Good one. But what if it's colder than freezing out? What happens then?
Doug	Uh, the beer freezes!
Bob	Yeah, I know, it was a rhetorical question.
Doug	A wha? You were reading the dictionary again, eh?
Bob	No way, eh? I didn't flunk grade 8 two times, like you.
Doug	Yeah, you only flunked it once.
Bob	Nobk.
Doug	Anyway, it's like, really cold out this time of year, and that causes the beer to freeze.
Bob	And if it gets real cold, the beer'll explode!
Doug	Really?
Bob	Yeah. You've never put a beer in the freezer and forgot about it?
Doug	No way, I never forget my beer.
Bob	What about the time you put the case you just bought on top of the van, and drove off without putting it in the back? There was broken bottles all over the road!
Doug	I forgot, eh?
Bob	Yeah, real decent! You wasted almost $30!
Doug	Hoser. What was I talking about?
Bob	Um. Beer in the freezer.
Doug	Why would you do that?
Bob	To cool it down faster!
Doug	Just drink it warm! If you puke, you puke! Makes room for more beer!
Bob	But you get less effect!
Doug	Good point. It wastes beer, too.
Bob	Maybe that's what it means when they say "you're wasted"!
Doug	Could be, eh?
Bob	Anyway, it's cold out, so don't keep your beer outside.
Doug	Unless you want to see a bottle of beer explode. Of course, you can get the same effect by putting it on the Coleman, like this.
SFX	Sound of beer being placed on stove
Bob	Wha? Take off!
Doug	No way, eh?
SFX	Sound of Bob removing the beer and opening it.
Bob	(taking swig) Geez. Now it's warm. I hope you're happy, eh?
Doug	No, that's my new idea, eh? If you're outside, like you're ice fishing or playing hockey or hiding from the cops or something, put the beer real close to your Coleman.
Bob	Why?
Doug	Cause that'll keep it from freezing, and it'll still be cold enough to drink, hosehead!
Bob	Hey, that's a good idea, eh? Hand me your beer!
Doug	Wha? Gimme back my beer!
SFX	Doug's beer being placed onto the stove
Bob	Here, have some beer soup.
SFX	beer foaming over
Doug	YOU HOSER!

Okay, every year people ask for the lyrics to Twelve Days of Christmas. So, we put them here, eh? Play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothing else to do. So good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell you what to get your true love for Christmas...

Back Issues

Ok, eh? The back issues are up, but not the really early ones. We'll get them done sometime. We think.

SCTV Reruns

Good day. The fine folks at The Comedy Network in Canada are still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, sometimes two a day. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?

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