October, 2000 The Hoser Weather: Now that the hockey season's starting, and the arena's open, take the empties out of your equipment bag. Then fill it with bleach to get the stink out.
Vol. 4, No. 1

Bob and Doug Invent The Internet

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobGood day, welcome to the Hoser.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobUh... it's goin' pretty good.
DougOk. You want a beer?
DougHere, have two. (hands two beers over)
BobWow, you're being nice... Hey! These are empty!
DougYou didn't say you wanted full ones.
BobHoser. Where's the beer?
DougUh, there's none left. I'll have to go get a new case out of the van.
BobOk. We keep the beer in the van in the fall, cause it saves electricity costs for the beer fridge. I'll start the topic, eh?
DougOk, I'll be back, with beer! (leaves)
BobGood. The topic today is the Internet, and how we invented it.
Doug(in background) Yeah, the Internet! Take off!
BobGeez. Go get some beer! Anyway, a long time ago, in a galaxy far away... No, that's not right. A long time ago, my brother Doug and I came up with this idea of using computers and an electronic network to communicate over vast distances. We wanted to link every city in Canada, so we could, like, order back bacon from... uh... Lethbridge, and have it delivered to us the next day. It was a beauty idea. Doug wanted to order beer, but I hadn't started drinking it, yet. That was a long time ago.
Doug(returning) Are you telling the Internet story again?
BobYeah. I'm just getting to the reason we never finished working on it.
DougBeauty. (opens case, takes out beer, and hands it to Bob)
BobYou know why? Right after I tell him my idea, he hands me a beer, like this, eh? So, like, what am I supposed to do? Drink it, eh? So I chug the beer...
DougAnd then he puked!
BobTake off. I did puke, though. But I drank another one to get the taste of puke breath out of my mouth.
DougThen he puked again!
DougHe drank, like, six beers - and this was his first time having it, too. Talk about a real Canadian. I only drank five on my first try. I only puked once, though.
BobHoser. Anyway, that's why I never finished the Internet.
DougThose university guys in the States and England and France, they don't know what they're talking about. They didn't invent it, we did.
BobYeah, they stole the idea from us. The hosers. And now no one uses it to order back bacon.
DougOr beer. Maybe we should come up with a new invention.
BobNot anything like your last invention. I still can't wear my skates, eh?
DougDon't worry, the hockey season only just started.
BobOk. What was your idea?
DougOk. Send people beers, over the Internet.
BobThat's it?
DougYeah! We'll call it "E-Beer"!
BobBoy, talk about cheezwiz!
DougNo, really! It's a great idea! We take orders, and mail people a case of whatever they want!
BobGeez. That's illegal, you hoser! It's in the Canadian Criminal Code.
DougWell, then we won't advertise so the cops won't know.
BobThen how will people find us?
DougUh. Well, I'll think of something. Hand me my tuque.
BobWhy? It's not cold out.
DougIt's my thinking tuque. (reaches in case and grabs a beer) And here's my thinking beer.
BobWell, there goes that idea down the drain. In the meantime, someone's gonna steal it, too. Hand me a beer.
DougOk. (hands Bob another beer) Don't puke, eh?
BobHose off!

Three Years Of The Hoser

BobGeez. Three years. Has it been that long, hosehead?
DougYeah. We wrote a lot, and drank a lot. Well, we didn't write that much.
BobBut we did drink a lot.
DougYeah. Now that we've started our fourth year, what are we gonna do?
BobHave more beer!
DougSounds beauty to me. Good day.
BobGood day, eh?

Back Issues

We promised these, like, a year ago. Or two years ago. Or something. It's been too long. So this month, we're not adding some weird program to send them out for us like we wanted to, we're just putting them up as they are. We'll fix them later. Maybe. Good day, eh?

SCTV Reruns

Good day. The fine folks at The Comedy Network in Canada are still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, sometimes two a day. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?

Action Figures

The Bob and Doug McKenzie "action figures" have been out since July. Look for them at your local comic book store, or if you don't have one, go to Spawn Toys and order them over then internet, eh?