May, 2000 The Hoser Weather: Even though the weather's finally nice enough to take down the Christmas lights, it's too late. Christmas is only 7 months away, so leave them up to save time later.
Vol. 3, No. 8

Doug's Rant

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, welcome to the Hoser.
DougHowzit goin', eh?
BobOk, we were watching TV, and we saw a really neat commercial.
DougYeah, it was a beer commercial. They're my favourite, eh?
BobWe've been in some, too. Anyway, my hosehead brother, Doug, wrote his own beer commercial, and he's gonna read it now.
BobGo on. Read it.
DougOh, right. (gets out paper)
BobThis is a good one, eh?
DougUh. Hi. I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader.
BobYou just dress like one.
DougAnd I don't live in an igloo or own a dogsled. That's what the van is for.
BobWhat? Living in or transportation?
DougBoth, I needed to live in it after the old man kicked us out all those times.
DougI have a Prime Minister, not a President. But he takes our money anyway.
BobUnless you don't pay taxes, like us.
DougTake off. Don't tell them we don't pay taxes, eh?
DougUh, where was I? Oh yeah. I speak English and French...
BobYou speak French? Ok, do the ad in French now, eh?
DougWha? Ok. Bawn-jur. Juh sweece Canadian, eh?
BobYou don't speak French!
DougYeah, that was French, eh?
BobThat was some language, but it wasn't French.
DougYeah, well you try, eh? It's a hard language to speak!
BobYeah, you have trouble with English, too.
DougYou nobk. Can I finish my commercial?
BobYeah! Don't let me hold you up, eh?
DougHoser. I speak English, not American. And it's pronounced "about", not "a boot". I put my boots on in the winter to keep my feet warm.
BobThen how come you're wearing them now? It's May! It's warm out!
DougYeah, well, I got cold feet, eh?
DougI can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. Or I could, if I had a backpack.
BobWhen'd you learn to sew? You take Home Economics in high school?
DougYeah, it was curriculum. Not my fault you skipped every class.
DougYeah, right. I belive in peacekeeping, not policing. Especially when the police give you tickets. I was legally parked! It wasn't my fault that guy was blocked in! He was driving a Geo! I could've parked on him and he woulda got out! This is exactly what's wrong with this country! Too much policing, no peacekeeping! And, furthermore...
BobHold on, hold on. Calm down, have another beer, eh? (hands Doug a beer)
Doug(grabs beer and takes a swig) Thanks, hoser. Where was I?
BobUh, you're getting to the diversity part.
DougRight. I believe in diversity, not assimilation. Assimilation is what the Borg did in Star Trek:TNG, and they were evil, eh?
DougYeah, "The Next Generation".
BobOh, I thought it was a new sales tax or something. We don't pay taxes, eh?
DougTake off! We do too.
BobNo we don't!
DougOkay, we don't. But the government thinks we do.
BobYeah, okay.
DougThe beaver is a truly proud and noble animal, eh?
BobYou've never even seen a beaver, you nobk!
DougYeah, remember that opener we found with the nickle in it?
BobYeah, so?
DougThe nickle has a beaver on it, eh?
BobThat's a beaver? I thought it was a rat with a really big tail!
DougYou're a rat, you nobk! Can I finish?
BobGo, hoser.
DougA tuque is a hat!
BobAnd you're wearing two of them, again.
Doug(reaches up) Geez, you're right, eh? I gotta get me some fabric softener, so my tuques don't stick together when I wash them.
BobGood one, eh?
DougWell, at least I wash my stuff.
BobYeah, and you still smell. Go, eh?
DougOk, a chesterfield is a couch! And a "zee" is the noise you make when you fall asleep on the chesterfield, not a letter of the alphabet, eh?
DougCanada is the world's second largest landmass!
BobWho's the first?
DougUh. Our comrades in Russia, eh?
BobThey haven't been comrades for 10 years since they kicked out communism, eh?
DougYeah, well, take off! Either way, they live in a Great White North, too, only they don't speak English.
BobOr French, eh?
DougGet out. Canada is the first nation of hockey, and the best part of North America. No, wait. The best part of the world!! My name is Doug, and I AM CANADIAN!!!
BobYour name is Doug, and YOU ARE A HOSER!
DougGeez. Take off, eh?

Action Figures

BobGood day. It's a very good day, cause McFarlane Toys is making action figures based upon us, eh?
DougWell, I'm an action figure. Bob's just one of the props, eh?
BobTake off.
DougMore information can be found here, and there's some pictures here, eh?

Strange Brew 2 News

Good day, eh? Any news about our new movie, our action figures, and, like, anything else about us will be posted on our News page before we put it here, eh? So, like, maybe you want to bookmark it, or something, so you'll know, like, which beer stores to go to, eh?

Back Issues

Ok, we got ourselves a server to put back issues on, but we're too cheap to get full time internet access. So, try out The Hoser Back Issues Site, and, like, if they don't work, try again later. That's what happens when you spend more money on beer than on internet. And that's the way it should be, too, eh?

SCTV Reruns

Howzit goin'? They're still showing SCTV in Canada on The Comedy Network, eh? And sometimes on NBC in the USA, too. Go to the SCTV page for more information, eh?