August, 2000 The Hoser Weather: It gets real humid in August, so sit in the air conditioned 24-hour donut place 23 hours a day. Use the other hour to visit the air conditioned beer store.
Vol. 3, No. 11

How To Speak Canadian, Part 2

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, welcome to the Hoser.
DougHowzit goin', eh?
BobOkay. Last month, we did "How To Speak Canadian", eh?
DougYeah, cause it's a real language, and we speak it.
BobIt sounds like English, but it's not. Okay, go, hoser.
DougWhere did we leave off last time?
BobUh, I believe you were explaining how the Canadian heritage, landscape, and economy have all contributed to the shaping of our language.
DougTake off, eh? You're trying to hose me by making me look dumb!
BobThat's not too hard, eh?
DougOkay, then! Fine! You can do the rest of the topic in French!
BobOh, beauty! For those of you who are from, like, France, French is Canada's other official language.
DougBeauty one. France. French. Neat.
BobYeah, well, sometimes we combine the two. Give an example, Doug.
DougBonjour, eh? Welcome to Canada!
YouThat was almost all English, Doug.
DougNo, the only words in English were "welcome" and "to", eh?
BobNice. Okay. Canadian words. We already said "beauty" and "eh?", but what about others?
BobYeah, like "chesterfield".
DougOkay, folks. A chesterfield is a field owned by a guy named Chester. SNORK!
YouNo it isn't, Doug. A chesterfield is a couch!
BobYeah, even our readers think you're a dummy.
DougTake off. Okay, a chesterfield is a couch, or sofa, if you will.
BobOkay, more words. "Puck".
DougI thought you said we don't say those words on TV or the internet.
BobNo, you're thinking of something else. I meant a hockey puck.
DougOh, you should've said so, eh? We've got lots of words from hockey, cause hockey's our national sport, eh?
BobOur national winter sport.
DougWhat's the summer sport?
BobUh. Curling, I think.
YouTake off, Bob! It's lacrosse!
BobLacrosse? We've finished the French part of the topic, eh?
DougNo, it's a real game. There's a team in Toronto, eh?
BobWhere's the other teams?
DougSomewhere in the States.
BobWell, that's Cheez Whiz! How come it's our official summer sport, but we've got only one team!
DougSomeone goofed. Weren't we talking about hockey?
BobYeah, until the reader confused us with lacrosse, eh?
DougYeah, reader! Take off!
YouOk, but then no one will be reading The Hoser.
BobNo, wait! Come back!
YouOnly if you promise not to tell me to take off again.
BobOk. Deal.
DougGood. There's lots of words in Canadian from hockey. I don't think there's too many from lacrosse, though.
BobYeah, like "puck" and "faceoff" and "slapshot" and "centre ice".
Doug"Centre ice", not "the neutral zone", eh?
BobBeauty! Explain these words to our non-Canadian readers.
DougOkay, a "puck" is a thick but small disc that really hurts when you get hit in the face by one when you're not wearing a mask.
BobYeah, next time I'll wear a mask when I play goalie.
DougThere's another word, "goalie". He's the guy who sits in the net, and blocks all the pucks from going in.
BobWe wear lots of padding, eh? And have a big stick, so we can block the puck, and hit other players harder.
DougYeah. Remember the game we played with the guys at the looney bin?
BobThat was 17 years ago!
DougAnd about 17 000 beers ago. Remember my Darth Vader impression?
YouEveryone remembers that, Doug.
DougOk, then there's no need to do it now.
DougAre we done?
BobNo, we didn't mention pronounciation!
DougOh, sorry. We don't pronounce it "aboot". Good day.
YouGood day, eh?
BobNo, we're still not done! What aboot... uh, about spelling, eh?
DougWhat about it? Colour has a "u", centre ends with "re", not "er", which I believe is a TV show, and you put "tires" on the van, not "tyres".
BobBeauty. Now we're done.
DougHey! Take off!
YouDon't mind if I do!
BobOkay, now look what you did. All our readers have left.
DougThat's okay. They'll be back! They always come back!
BobSounds like an Oscar winning performance.
DougIn Canada, they hand out Genie awards for acting.
BobWell, neither of us our going to get one.
DougProbably not.
BobOkay, if there's any readers left, good day.
DougGood day, eh?
YouGood day, eh?
DougAre you still here? We're done, you can leave now. Get out! Take off!
YouYou guys take off, eh?

How To Speak Canadian, Part 1

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

As a bonus, here's last month's article for those that missed it:

BobOkay, good day, welcome to the Hoser.
DougHowzit goin', eh?
BobToday the topic is the Canadian language.
DougYeah, people think that Canadians speak English. But, like, we don't, eh?
BobYeah, it's like a dialect, eh? It sounds like English, and you can probably understand us if you're not from the Great White North. But we're not speaking English.
DougNeat, eh? Go, hoser.
BobThere's a good one. Canadians are real polite, eh? So when you want to insult a guy without swearing or something, just call him a "hoser".
DougAnd we say "take off" instead of other things.
BobWell, we say that when we're on TV or movies or internet.
DougYeah, well, I'll have to wash your mouth out with soap later.
BobTake off! I mean...
DougOh, good example of the common usage, eh?
DougThere's another one.
BobWha? Oh. "Beauty" is another word we use.
DougWhat's it mean?
BobUh. I'm not sure, but it's neat. Repeat after me, folks. Say "beauty".
BobOk, I knew you could.
DougSuddenly this has become "You Are Our Guest, Part II".
BobYeah, we got the readers to say "beauty".
DougOk, I've got one! Look under there, eh?
YouUnder where, Doug?
DougSNORK! I just got you to say "underwear"!
BobGeez. How old are you?
DougOld enough to drink, that's all I know.
BobYeah, right. What else do Canadians say?
BobI said, what else do Canadians say?
DougI heard you. I say "eh?"
BobEh? Oh, eh?!
DougYeah. You may have noticed that we occasionally insert the word "eh?" at the end of our sentences, eh?
YouOccasionally, Doug?
DougOk, maybe it's more than that, eh? Um...
BobYeah, but what does it mean?
DougUh, it's like "beauty", it's neat.
BobTake off. It has to have a meaning, otherwise we wouldn't say it.
DougOk, well, maybe it means "my brother is a hoser." Then when I say "take off, eh?" I'm really saying "take off, my brother is a hoser".
BobCould be, eh?
DougTake off. Eh?
BobOk, maybe it means whatever you think it means.
DougSo, take it in context, eh?
BobOk. So what you meant was "take it in context, do you know what I mean?"
DougYeah, that's the English way of saying that. The Canadian way uses less syllables.
BobAnd with the price of gas the way it is, we need to save energy by using words with less syllables, eh?
DougGood one.
BobYeah. From now on, I'll talk with monosyllabic words.
You"Monosyllabic" has more than one syllable, Bob.
BobAre you still here?
DougTake off! Don't make him leave!
BobOk. Sorry.
YouNo way, you hosers. You're out of space for this month, eh?
DougHey, he's right.
BobYep. In that case, that's the topic for this month, good day.
DougGood day, eh?
BobBeauty idea for a topic!
DougYeah, good thing I thought of it.
BobYou? Yeah, right. I thought of it, alone.
DougTake off!

Action Figures

The Bob and Doug McKenzie "action figures" have been out for aboot... uh, about a month. Look for them at your local comic book store, or if you don't have one, go to Spawn Toys and order them over then internet, eh?

Back Issues

We keep promising the back issues, but they still aren't up. Fear not! The original files are still here, we just have to fix some stuff up. (Like, Doug's name was spelled "McKeznie" on the first year and a half. We also spelled tuque a whole bunch of different ways, too.)

SCTV Reruns

Good day. The fine folks at The Comedy Network in Canada are still showing the syndicated episodes of SCTV, but now only a couple times a week. Check out the SCTV page for more info, eh?

Strange Brew 2 News

Good day, eh? Any news about our new movie, our action figures, and, like, anything else about us will be posted on our News page before we put it here, eh? So, like, maybe you want to bookmark it, or something, so you'll know, like, which beer stores to go to, eh?