June, 2007 The Hoser Weather: It's gonna be hot and humid this month and air conditioning's gonna put a real strain on the electrical grid, so turn yours off. Then hang out at the air conditioned donut shop and beer store.
Vol. 10, No. 9

America Versus England

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo this month the topic is America versus England.
DougYeah, and before we start I wanna point out that we don't dislike Americans or Englanders.
DougYeah. As Canadians, we got influenced by both of you, but some of the things you do annoy us.
BobOkay, number one thing that annoys Canadians about Americans and Englanders.
DougIt's not "Englanders", is it?
BobWell that's what you called 'em.
DougI think it's "British".
BobOh yeah, yeah. That makes more sense. So the number one thing that annoys Canadians about American people and British people: chips.
DougYeah, like neither of you can figure them out, right? I was in a restaurant in Banff like two years ago and there was guy from the US arguing with a guy from England about whether French fries should be called "chips" or potato chips should be called chips. And you know, it's not that hard to figure out, eh?
BobYeah, cause ordinarily you get potato chips in a bag and they're crunchy, and...
DougBut Englanders... sorry, British call those "crisps".
BobAnd that's okay, but when you go into a restaurant and order "fish and chips", I don't expect the crunchy ones to be on the side of the plate, I expect French fries.
DougRight, so figure it out from the context, eh!
BobAnd you go into a deli, right? So there if you order a sandwich with chips, you're probably gonna get crisps on the side. Like I was in this deli in Montreal once, and...
DougYou know what else they got in Montreal?
BobWhat's that?
BobOh yeah! So all hosers in the US and Britain and England, order poutine instead of fries or chips.
DougYou know what poutine is, right?
DougNo, I was talking to our readers.
BobOh, sorry.
DougIt's French fries, or chips if you're from England, with cheese curds and gravy on them.
BobYeah, all that cholesterol is probably bad for your heart, but it balances out cause drinking one or two beers a day is good for your heart.
DougWow, we must be the healthiest guys in Canada.
DougSo forget fries and chips, just order poutine.
BobAnyway, thing that bugs us about Americans and British people number two: and it's really the same thing as number one.
DougYeah. Football. We get it, there's two different sports called football, you don't have to get into arguments over them.
BobOne's a game where the guys wear lots of padding and helmets and stuff and throw around this blimp-shaped ball and they call that football here in Canada and the US.
DougBut the other's a game on a huge field where guys with hardly any padding run around and try to kick this ball that looks sorta like Epcot Center.
BobNo, no. Epcot Center looks like a golf ball. These look more like soccer balls.
DougUm. That's cause they are soccer balls, you hoser.
DougSo once again, figure it out. If someone who sounds like they're from Texas is talking about football, they probably mean the game with the weird ball and helmets.
BobAnd get him some barbecue. Uh, barbecue chips.
DougBarbecue crisps, too.
DougYeah, and if a guy with a British accent is talking about football, they probably mean the game with the soccer ball.
BobOr an even easier way. If the game is being shown on one of the major networks, it's American football. If it's being shown on ESPN Twelve or whatever, it's Rest-Of-The-World football.
DougBeauty. And once again, Canadian football is superior to the other two.
BobRight, so forget about all types of football unless it has three downs, and...
DougNo way, Canadian football has four downs. We always punt on the third, just to be safe!
BobTake off! We do not! You stole that bit from SCTV's Canadian Facts!
DougYeah, well we worked at that station so we should be able to steal whatever we want!
BobWe worked there?
BobI thought we was doing it for free cause Mr. Caballero knew about those bootleg VHS tapes we was makin' on the station's video machine!
DougWell now everyone...
BobHe said (doing his best Guy Caballero impression) "you hosers bring in lots of advertising dollars so I'm not going to fire you, but from now on you'll be working for peanuts! Eh-heh-heh-heh!"
DougOh get out! Now everyone knows about it and we're gonna get fired!
BobSo? That station's been off the air for 23 years!
DougOh geez! Take off! We better find new jobs!

Two-Four Anniversary Edition Red Cap

by Bob and Doug McKenzie (and Brick's PR firm)

Okay, this article is for all hosers in Canada and other parts of the world who get beers brewed by Brick Brewing Company! Go down to your local Beer Store and get a twelve of Red Cap Ale. Not only do you get beer in stubbies, but also one of six "Two-Four Anniversary Edition" clear stubby bottles showcasing our finest hoser moments, eh! The anniversary bottles will be available all summer long, so go get some now to display next to the good china, eh!