April, 2007 The Hoser Weather: There will be a great deal of precipitation this month. Bet you didn't know we could use big words like that, eh?
Vol. 10, No. 7

The New Hoser

by Robert McKenzie, Editor

-- I edited too, eh! -- Douglas McKenzie, the other Editor

RobertGood evening, I'm Robert McKenzie, this is my elder male sibling Douglas.
DouglasGreetings and salutations.
RobertWelcome to the premier issue of The "New" Hoser, an Internet magazine devoted to an intellectual discussion of the Canadian condition.
DouglasOur first topic in this month's issue will be the proliferation of Canadian wines in the global marketplace.
RobertYes, of course. Many non-Canadians are unaware of the improved quality of Canadian wines that have been produced in the past several years.
DouglasThere are many fine wineries in both Ontario and British Columbia, along with a handful in other regions including Nova Scotia and Québec. In fact, the Chardonnay that I will be consuming after we complete this issue of The New Hoser was produced in the nearby Niagara region of Ontario.
RobertAnd afterwards I will be trying an icewine from Pelee Island.
DouglasI've always found it somewhat coincidental that Canada is well known for it's icewine production, considering the common misconception that Canada is covered in ice and snow for much of the year.
RobertIndeed. And naturally we wouldn't dare to consume an alcoholic beverage during the course of this conversation.
DouglasOf course not! That would be the domain of boorish louts who sit around all day and drink beer and eat backbacon.
RobertAh, excellent point, Robert!
DouglasYou're Robert. I'm Douglas.
RobertOh yes, of course. Excellent point, Douglas. Our "back" bacon is well known in other countries as "Canadian" bacon.
DouglasNot to be confused with pork loin, which is generally produced in much thicker cuts and rolled in cornmeal.
RobertAh, but despite the cornmeal it is also known as "peameal" bacon.
DouglasReferring back to an earlier time when peameal was more plentiful, no doubt.
RobertI had not considered that, but it is likely true.
RobertI'm sorry?
DouglasAh, sorry, I have a slight cold.
RobertOh, well it has been rather damp lately.
DouglasYes, we assure our international readers that while Canada is not covered in ice and snow for all of the year, the weather has only recently begun to warm up.
RobertYes, the grandiose piles of snow in the parking areas have just started to melt.
DouglasPlaced there by the snowplow, I suppose?
RobertYes, and driven by those same boorish Canadians who drink beer and eat backbacon that we referred to earlier in this issue of The New Hoser.
DouglasUh... do they wear tuques?
RobertIf you're referring to their knit woolen headgear then yes. I always fear for my automobile when I am alerted to the presence of the snowplow.
DouglasYou do?
RobertYes, the hockey-player mentality of the drivers of those plows could certainly lead them to inadvertently damage my vehicle's fine German engineering.
DouglasSNORK! Okay, I can't take it anymore!
RobertCannot take what?
DougOkay, take off! You're Bob, I'm Doug. Folks, this isn't The New Hoser, just the plain old Hoser you're all used to!
BobAw, geez, you ruined the whole thing!
DougYeah, that was our April Fools' issue, hope you enjoyed it, eh!
BobI'll bet they didn't!
DougYeah, no one but us knew what was going on!
BobWow, good thing we're reading from a script, we'd never have got through that any other way.
DougWhat? You got a script?! I was making all that up!
BobYou were not! Take off, you hoser!