February, 2007 The Hoser Weather: Thanks to global warming, this year the groundhog came out of its hole wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and drinking a piņa colada.
Vol. 10, No. 5

New Year's Aftermath

by Doug McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobSo the topic is hangovers, and Doug has a cure. Go, Doug.
DougOkay, like last month we had our annual New Year's party, eh?
BobAnnual New Year's party? Like once a year?
BobWho woulda thought, eh?
DougBeauty. Maybe we'll start holdin' them in the summer, too.
BobNew Year's in the summer?
DougYeah! July 1st could be New Year's Day, and on June 31st we could have New Year's Eve and everyone could walk to their parties without freezing or seeing the cops and it'd be easier to carry the cooler full of beer since like you wouldn't be wearing gloves and also you wouldn't get a soaker when you go out to the garage to get a beer and step where someone's boots used to be and the puddle of slush they left behind, eh?
BobYou're loaded.
DougI am not.
BobY'are too. Know how I can tell?
BobThere's no such day as June 31st.
DougOh, take off! There could be! Okay, new topic!
BobNo! Old topic!
DougNew topic!
BobOld topic!
DougNew topic: why do July and August both have 31 days?
BobCause February gets 28.
DougAw geez. Well there goes my new topic.
BobOkay, back to the old topic. And speaking of February, we're doin' the New Year's topic now, cause in January we did a rerun.
DougWe did not, that was a new show!
BobNo way, I read it and it all sounded familiar!
DougThat's cause you were in it, eh!
BobOh. Yeah. So anyway, now it's February and we're just recovering from our hangovers.
DougBeauty. For the first time in like five weeks, I woke up without a headache. Well, until I got out of the bunkbed and saw my brother, eh!
BobWait, don't tell 'em we got bunkbeds.
DougWhy not?
BobCause they're gonna make fun of us.
DougWhat? Our readers?
DougI doubt it, reading The Hoser is probably embarrassing enough.
BobWhat, for them?
DougYeah, they make fun of us for sleeping in bunkbeds, we make fun of them for reading this in the first place.
BobOh, okay! Good one. So if someone says they read something dumb in The Hoser, like a spelling mistake or something, then we can say "oh yeah? Well you read an online newspaper written by a couple of drunk guys in your spare time!"
DougIn their spare time or our spare time?
BobWell, their spare time. We don't got spare time.
DougWe don't even have jobs.
BobYeah! So we're too busy doing nothing to have spare time, eh!
DougOh, beauty!
DougSo, uh. What was the topic again?
BobUm. Hangovers.
DougHangovers, right, right. So we drank a lot at our annual New Year's party and like the next morning...
BobNext morning? You slept in until like the 3rd!
DougOkay, well whenever it was, I woke up... well, even better story: hosehead here wakes up and says "who turned up all the lights?!"
BobNo, I didn't!
DougDid too! You woke up and yelled at me to turn down the TV and then held your head because your own yelling gave you a headache, eh! He gave himself a headache, now you know how I feel.
BobOh yeah? Well you...
DougAnd I didn't even have the TV on! I think he cranked the music up too loud at the party and his ears was still ringing.
BobWell at least I got good taste in music. You wanted me to put uh... disco on.
DougYeah, disco. I'd go get my brother's polyester suit. Notice that I didn't say my polyester suit. Cause I never owned one.
BobOkay, so you weren't cool for a brief period in 1975.
DougBut then I won when I burned all your Bee Gees records a few years later.
BobYeah, thanks for that. I coulda sold them all on eBay for like... hundreds of dollars.
DougHundreds? Yeah, right!
BobAnd bought thousands of beers.
DougNow if I had hundreds of dollars that'd be the first thing I did.
BobSo uh... hey!
BobHow'd we end up talking about eBay?
DougUm. You brought it up.
BobWell, we gotta get back to our original topic. Uh, hangovers.
DougOkay, right. Hangovers. There's a few important things you gotta remember if you have a hangover, and the first is to never, ever...
BobI think we're outta space.
DougOh, you're right. Um. We'll continue this discussion at another time. Until then, remember all these hangover tips.
BobBeauty. So good day.
DougGood day, eh!