November, 2006 The Hoser Weather: It won't be cold enough to freeze the pond this month so this is a good chance to clean your hockey equipment from last year. Especially considering it'll take all month to get the smell out of your equipment bag.
Vol. 10, No. 2

Doug's Vacation

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
SFXlong pause
BobHey! Say something.
Doug(looks over but says nothing)
BobWhat, are you gonna puke? Did you have one too many?
DougI'm not here, eh!
BobYeah you are! You're sittin' right next to me!
DougNo way.
BobYeah, but... Geez.
DougI'm on vacation, take off.
BobYou're on vacation?
DougYeah! I'm on vacation!
BobVacation from what?!
DougFrom work!
BobFrom work? Take off! You got fired two weeks ago!
DougOkay, so it's an open-ended vacation.
BobMore like a permanent vacation, they're not gonna want you back.
DougLook, I took this vacation so I wouldn't have to deal with the stress and complications of everyday life, so I'd appreciate it if you'd pass me a beer and allow me to relax, eh?
BobWhat? Pass you a beer? What, would you like a lime in it, too?
DougWould you?
BobNo, get out!
DougAw, this resort is no good. I'm never comin' here again!
BobWe didn't want you here in the first place. Wait a minute. What am I saying?!
DougWelcome to Club Med... MedKenzie.
DougYeah, it's our new resort. On the beach of a tropical isle.
SFXseagulls squawking
BobWha? How'd you do that?
DougTyping. This is on the Internet, eh? People will believe us no matter what we say.
BobBeauty. This is better than our albums.
DougAnd look, here's Bob the waiter.
BobWha? Hey, why do I gotta be the waiter?!
DougCause I'm on vacation!
BobGeez, I'm on vacation too, eh!
DougNo way, somebody's gotta run the resort.
BobWell what about you?
DougI can't, I'm on vacation.
SFXseagulls fly overhead
Bob(looking up at the birds) Geez, take off! (he puts his thumb over his beer)
DougDon't worry about the seagulls, they're just looking for food. That reminds me. I'm hungry, waiter. Would you bring me a plate of backbacon please?
BobAw geez. (he starts up the stove) There'd better be a tip in this for me.
DougNo, our policy at Club MedKenzie is to not tip the staff.
BobYeah, well you'd probably rip me off anyway.
DougIn fact, waiter, there's a booger on the side of my beer!
BobA booger?
DougYeah. Would you replace it please?
BobWhat, with a different booger?
DougNo, the beer, you nobk! I'd like one without a booger, please.
BobNo take off! You put that there just now, I seen it!
DougYou saw it?
BobYeah, and I seen it too!
DougGeez. Next year I'm going to a resort where the workers speak English.
BobHere's your beer, you hoser! (hands him a bottle) Your backbacon will be a little longer.
DougThat's fine, I'm going in the water.
BobWait. What water?
DougWell it's a tropical isle, there's gotta be water somewhere!
SFXwaves crashing on the beach
DougThere it is.
BobWha? Where'd that come from?
DougI told you, this is the Internet.
BobOh, right.
DougSo I'm going in the water.
BobOkay, watch out for sharks.
DougNo, take off! There's no sharks here.
BobYeah, I put them there. People are gonna believe me the same way they believe you.
DougWell even if you did put them there, I'm wearing my shark repellent.
BobWha? There's no such thing.
DougIs too.
BobIs not.
DougIs too.
BobIs not.
DougIs not.
BobIs too.
DougSo have you seen any sharks around?
BobNo, but...
DougSee, exactly. My shark repellent works.
BobOr maybe it's because we're still in Canada.
SFXseagulls and surf noises go quiet
DougOh, take off! You ruined the whole thing!
BobWhat? Me? How?
DougYou told everyone we were still in Canada, and they believed us.
BobYeah, well maybe we need a new set of readers if they believe what you tell them!
DougOh, first you wreck Club MedKenzie and now you're insulting all our readers! You're fired!
BobYou can't fire me, I quit! And I'm the only employee other than you at Club MedKenzie, so you'd better get working on those beers and backbacon that that annoying guy on the beach wanted!
DougGeez. Take off!