July, 2007 The Hoser Weather: What're ya askin' us for?! It's July, just go outside and see what the weather's like! It's not gonna snow or nothin'! Well, unless you live in a cold part of the Southern Hemisphere, eh!
Vol. 10, No. 10

Canada Day

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobThis month the topic is Canada Day, so go.
DougOkay, so Canada Day is on July 1, and they tell us that it's cause Canada became a country on July 1, 1867.
BobYeah, I remember that from school.
DougIt's the only thing you remember.
BobNo, take off! I remember lots of stuff from school.
DougLike what?
BobUh. How to tie my shoes.
Doug(looks down) Your shoelace is untied.
BobWhat? (looks)
DougMade ya look!
DougSo anyway, in the country immediately south of us...
BobThat's the USA.
DougYeah, they know. But in the US, their Independence Day is on July 4, cause on July 4, 1776, uh. Something happened.
DougI don't know. They built the Statue of Liberty or something.
BobOh yeah, that's right, cause it's in Roman numerals on the Statue itself.
BobYeah, see? I remembered that from school, too.
DougYour shoelace is still untied.
BobWha? (looks again)
DougMade ya look again!
BobGeez. You know what you are?
DougOkay, so Canada is supposed to be a younger country than the US, right?
BobYeah, cause one was...
DougBut how's that work? Canada Day is on July 1st, Independence Day is on July 4th!
BobBut the...
DougSo Canada is at least three days older than the US. And our day comes first, so we musta thought of it.
BobOh, beauty, eh!
DougYeah, now you really got something to celebrate.
BobYeah, get some fireworks and blow up your neighbour's shed.
DougShh! Take off! The fire marshall doesn't know that was us!
BobOh, sorry. Uh. The neighbourhood kids did that.
DougYeah, it was them.
BobShould we be fixing like, history textbooks and stuff to make them show that Canada is three days older than the US?
DougYeah, we'll go into the school and take a pen and fix all the books.
BobWell, it wouldn't be the first time.
DougShh! Take off! The principal was never able to prove that it was us.
BobYeah, uh, it was those neighbourhood kids again!
DougGeez, kids today. We never did that when we were young.
BobYeah we did.
DougShut up, eh!
YouHey, you hosers!
BobWha? Oh, hey! It's one of our readers!
DougHow's it goin', eh? We haven't heard from you for a while.
YouYou two guys don't know anything about history. Or math. You even said so yourself: US Independence Day started on July 4, 1776, and Canada Day wasn't celebrated until July 1, 1867, nearly 91 years later!
DougYeah, well, I blame it on the dominance of American media on Canadian culture, and...
BobWhat does that even mean?
DougUh. I don't know.
BobIt sounded good, though.
YouAnd July 4, 1776 wasn't the day they built the Statue of Liberty, it was the day the Declaration of Independence was drafted!
BobTwo draught beers, eh!
YouThe Statue of Liberty wasn't even built until 1886! You guys are a couple of hosers!
DougOh yeah? Well, what about John Cabot's voyage to Newfoundland in 1497?
BobYeah, or the Viking settlement at L'Anse aux Meadows?
YouOkay, but...
DougOr the earliest people to live in Canada, who would have had to cross into Alaska first but Canada next.
BobYeah, and Alaska wasn't part of the US until October, 1867!
DougAnd Canada became a country in July, 1867. So there.
YouGeez. How do you guys know so much about Canadian history?
BobYeah. And Wikipedia.
YouOh yeah? Well, your shoelace is untied!
BobWha? (looks for a third time)
YouMade ya look!
BobTake off! You hosers!

Two-Four Anniversary Edition Red Cap

by Bob and Doug McKenzie (and Brick's PR firm)

Okay, this article is for all hosers in Canada and other parts of the world who get beers brewed by Brick Brewing Company! Go down to your local Beer Store and get a twelve of Red Cap Ale. Not only do you get beer in stubbies, but also one of six "Two-Four Anniversary Edition" clear stubby bottles showcasing our finest hoser moments, eh! The anniversary bottles will be available all summer long, so go get some now to display next to the good china, eh!