October, 2006 The Hoser Weather: It's gonna be a cold one this month so go get yourself a cold one.
Vol. 10, No. 1

Switchin' To Kegs

by Bob McKenzie, Editor 

-- I edited too, eh! -- Doug McKenzie, the other Editor 

BobOkay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.
DougHow's it goin', eh?
BobOkay, so we're a little late this month, but we can explain.
Doug(pointing at Bob) He passed out eh!
BobYeah, so did you!
DougOh, okay, eh?
BobNow tell them why.
DougI will. So this is a long story right and it's gonna take a long time for me to tell it eh so I suggest you get a cold one and start up the Coleman and put your feet on the table and listen real good eh cause it's a good story.
BobNo it's not.
DougWha? Fine! You can tell it.
BobOh, okay, it was better than that. It's an okay story.
BobOkay. You gonna tell it?
DougYeah, but you gotta help, my memory ain't what it used to be.
BobIt was never what it used to be.
DougSo we were at the Beer Store the other day, right? And the truck pulled up to the delivery dock where we parked and he said "move your van or I'll run it over, eh!"
BobAnd cause he was driving a big transport and we was only in the van we decided to move, eh?
DougYeah, but then we saw him takin' big kegs out of the truck and into the store!
BobJust let me point out that it's not a surprise to us that the beer companies make kegs. We've known that for years. Well, one or two years at least.
DougYeah, but we thought you had to be a restaurant or a bar or something to get them. But that's no restaurant or bar, that's the Beer Store!
BobThe Beer Store. The store for... oh, play the music.
DougAlright, this is gonna be a big production. (he takes a tape deck from the floor, puts it on the table, and presses play)
MusicRush - The Spirit Of Radio
BobWhat? No! Take off!
DougOh, sorry, eh? (he presses fast-forward, the sound screeches as the tape gets mangled) Aw no!
BobGeez, you're blowin' the floor with tape!
DougI told you we shoulda used a CD!
BobYeah well if you hadn't've used the CD burner as a drink holder we could have!
DougWell maybe you didn't tell me that was a joke.
BobIf you didn't get it, then...
DougI believed him, eh! (points at Bob)
BobYou're a hoser.
DougAm not.
BobAre too.
DougAm not.
BobAre too.
DougAm so.
BobAre not. I mean...
DougI win, eh!
DougOkay, I think I got the tape fixed. (he presses play) Here's our big production.
MusicO Canada!
BobThe Beer Store. The store of the common man!
BobThe store where anyone, regardless of wealth, social status, or age can get a cold, fresh-brewed case of two-four.
DougAs long as you're 19. (he turns the volume up)
BobThe store made for you and me!
MusicBTO - Takin' Care Of Business
DougGeez, what the?
BobTurn it off, eh! We can't afford music royalties on this show!
DougBoy, good thing we're text-only.
BobYeah, everyone out there hearin' the song in your heads, stop now! We can't afford it!
DougGeez. So where were we after that long overly-drawn out musical number?
BobOh yeah. The point is anyone can get kegs at the Beer Store. You just gotta order them.
DougOh right. So we did. And a week or so later we picked them up.
BobAnd by "picked them up" we shoulda said "got a fork lift".
DougWell that's what we shoulda done. My back's still sore. Those things are the equivalent of almost eight cases of two-four! You know how much eight cases weighs?
BobWell I do now.
BobSo they gave us a hand pump to get the beer out, but that's too slow, eh?
DougYeah, so we just drilled a hole in the side.
BobThat was a mistake.
DougAnyway, without the pump to keep the keg pressurized, and a big hole in the side, it started to go flat right away, so we drank it.
BobFour cases of beer. I don't even know how many days it took us, but we did it.
DougYeah, and we even managed to keep it cold, too.
BobSo anyway, we weren't feeling too good, and I think we slept for about a week, and that's why The Hoser is late this month.
Bob'Kay. That's The Hoser for this month. Good day.
DougGood day, eh! (to Bob) You want a beer?
DougMe neither.

Ninth Year Of The Hoser

by Bob and Doug McKenzie

So good day, and it's been nine years since we started doin' The Hoser online. And that's a lot of issues, and a lot of beer consumed thinkin' of these. And backbacon. And donuts. And good day, eh?