June, 2006 | Weather: Smokin's gonna be banned here now, but it's gonna be so warm that you don't need to smoke if you want to have trouble breathing, eh! | |
Vol. 9, No. 9 |
by Doug McKenzie, Editor
-- I edited too, eh! -- Bob McKenzie, the other Editor
Bob | Okay, good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug. |
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Doug | How's it goin', eh? |
Bob | Okay, welcome to radio station CNOB. |
Doug | CNOB?! |
Bob | Yeah! |
Doug | Beauty call letters, eh! |
Bob | I know. So welcome to CNOB, I'm your DJ, Bob McKenzie. |
Doug | Bob "The Nobk" McKenzie. |
Bob | Aw. Take off. Okay, with me is my co-DJ, Doug the uh... "The Slug" McKenzie. |
Doug | Doug "The Slug"? Beauty. |
Bob | Geez. |
Doug | So anyway, if you're wondering why we're a radio station now, it's cause we are. |
Bob | Well now that makes sense, eh? |
Doug | Yeah. Except we're not a legal radio station. |
Bob | No wait, take off! |
Doug | No, no. We can tell them. Cause like we're a pirate radio station, eh! |
Bob | Oh, okay. |
Doug | So we found out that pirate radio stations are like real pirates, eh, like they put all their transmitters and antennas and stuff on a boat and drove out into the sea where the cops couldn't catch them right and put on music that they liked but real radio stations wouldn't play, eh? |
Bob | Yeah, so we're doin' the same thing. |
Doug | Except we don't got a boat, so we waterproofed the van. |
Bob | We needed lots of electrical tape, too. |
Doug | We wanted to use our ice fishing hut, cause we've found out more than once that it floats. You know, depending on how it lands in the water. Except we couldn't find it, eh? |
Bob | I know where it is. We just gotta find it on the bottom of the lake. |
Doug | Told you the water hadn't froze. |
Bob | It had too. Just not where we put the fishing hut. |
Doug | Okay. So anyway, here we are miles from civilization, and... |
Bob | Oh wait, are we gonna have enough power for people to hear us on the mainland? |
Doug | Good question. We should also explain how we setup the radio. |
Bob | Oh, good call! Alright, my brother here's a genius. After we almost got caught making, uh, unlicensed broadcasts with our CB radio, he opened it up right and moved a few wires around and discovered that now we can be heard on the AM radio. |
Doug | Yeah, so our station's not in stereo. Cause like AM doesn't work in stereo, right? I repeat: not in stereo. |
Bob | I saw an AM stereo radio once. |
Doug | What, like twenty years ago? |
Bob | No, in that car I wanted to buy. |
Doug | Okay, that car was twenty years old. |
Bob | Oh, figures, eh? Couldn't've afforded it anyways. |
Doug | Yeah. So someday we'll switch to FM, but not today. |
Bob | Okay, now tell them about our antenna. |
Doug | Our antenna? You mean the coat hangers and tin foil all along the side of the van? |
Bob | Yeah! |
Doug | Oh, alright. Our antenna is made of coat hangers and tin foil all along the side of the van. We figure since we can pick up stations from 50 miles away with one coat hanger, that we can broadcast fifteen times further with fifteen coat hangers! |
Bob | Beauty, eh? |
Doug | So that's uh. Five times... carry the three... uh... |
Bob | Three? You... you have no idea what you're doing, do you? |
Doug | Seventy-five. |
Bob | Oh. What? |
Doug | No wait! Seven-hundred and fifty! Wow, 750 mile range. Uh oh, that means they can get us in the States. |
Bob | Don't worry, they'll never find us, we're in International waters! |
Doug | Oh, beauty, eh! |
Bob | Hey, you know what we should do? |
Doug | Make a jingle to play our call letters? |
Bob | No. Well, yeah. But we should get a satellite transmitter, and get paid for doing all this. |
Doug | No way, getting paid is not the way of the radio pirate! |
Bob | What? Well then what's the point? |
Doug | So we can play songs like this! |
Music | Bob and Doug McKenzie's Take Off begins to play in the background |
Bob | Oh, beauty, eh! |
Doug | So welcome to the first song on our pirate radio station. |
Bob | This is the number one song this week on CNOB! |
Doug | And it'll be the number one song next week, too! |
Bob | Beauty! (he gets up to dance during the refrain) |
Doug | What the? |
Bob | It's a good song, and I wanna dance to it. |
Doug | It's not that good. |
Bob | No way, it's number one! |
Doug | Okay, to all our listeners, Bob McKenzie is dancing to the... |
Voice on loudspeaker | This is the police! |
Bob | (stops dancing) What the? |
Doug | Take off! It's the cops! |
Voice | We know you're in there. Turn off the radio transmitter and come out! |
Bob | It's not the cops, it's the Coast Guard! |
Doug | No way, we're in International waters! The cops have no jusris... jursis... jurisdiction here! |
Voice | We're listening to your broadcast, and just parking your van in a swimming pool does not count as "International waters"! |
Bob | (opening the door to the van, revealing that they've been floating in an in-ground swimming pool all along) Uh. He told me it would, eh? |
Doug | Wha? Me? Take off! |
CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATION THIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION. |
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The Hoser |
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BobNET NewsMy main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie. |
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